Friday, September 14, 2012

Butterflys and silk...

►WARNING◄ 
This entry may be triggery- it touches on self-harm and suicide.


*tenative step out into the light, looks left then right*

Ok. So secret telling time: I'm an introverted BPD and because of that, I take everything out on myself, regardless of origin of the emotion (if anyone ever gets bored, I can give you all the DSM Axis info because I'm also anal retentive and also mildly OCD, especially about medical things. Thanks Mom.). 


Sometimes I do really, REALLY stupid things to myself to take out overwhelming frustration at my inability to process emotions correctly/normally/like-an-adult/for-fear-of-displeasing-others. Some are very destructive (pulling hair out, smashing a brush with metal bristles into my scalp leaving tiny bleeding holes, and the quintessentially indicative cutting) while some are less so. My tattoo on my hand is a prime example,. At the time in 2005, my life was spiraling out of control. I had seriously attempted suicide the week before, but had been released from the hospital and was now back home in the exact same environment that lead up to my hospitalization. I felt powerless to change ANYTHING for various reasons (some genuinely out of my control, some mental blocks I couldn't tear down).

While I had been in the hospital, there was a young woman there on 3 South with me. I can't remember what it was anymore, but she had some sort of little tattoo somewhere on her hand or wrist. When I asked about it, she said she had used a needle wrapped in cotton and I think ball-point ink?

Now, my mom having worked at the state prison, I was fairly well versed in prison tattoos. Because the woman I met had access to a real needle (sewing, though it was), it looked slightly better than the average jailhouse tat. It percolating around my brain for a few days. I had told Demented (the now exhusbeast's moniker, for new readers =) around the time I had the carpal tunnel release surgery in '03 that I thought about getting a tattoo on my hand. I had thought about a triskelion on the top of my left hand, in the area near my thumb and index finger. It had been somewhat poo-poo'd because of the fact I was a SysAdmin, and while we got away with a lot of weird stuff, tattoos on hands might be frowned upon by the more administrative and academically inclined co-workers. Now, I had been presented with instructions on how I could theoretically do it myself!
 
Shortly there after, I gathered up a couple 15º beading needles that had broken eyes and were no longer useful in their original capacity, a spool of white cotton quilting thread, and a jar of high-quality India ink. I figured with a very fine needle instead of some sort of miniature prison shank and good black ink instead of blue ballpoint ink, I should be able to create a tattoo for myself that looked somewhat decent. Over the next 2± weeks, I systematically dipped and poked the needle over and over, letting the lines and dots create themselves, mixing blood and ink to give me the tattoo I now have.



While the tattoo was born out of internal anguish that was allowed to be converted into physical form at a time in my life that was bleak and oppressive, it doesn't weigh me down. I see it as a testament of what I was able to do: create personal beauty out of pain.

_________________________________________

The BPD behavior started long before that period, however. I started dying my hair (usually auburn/plum/black) as far back as 14 (1988 - though the cutting started then as well) and perpetually cutting my hair weird styles. One summer, My friends Jackie, Justin, and Jessie (and sometimes Ian) all teased me because almost every week or every other week, my hair would be cut differently (obviously it got shorter and shorter as the summer progressed. I went from "mid '80s feathered girl mullet and ended up with some sort of stacked asymmetrical Mod hair cut. It was, however, the summer no one was allowed to cut my bangs. =) I also developed a habit of 'dressing up' (makeup, clothes I would normally not wear, "doing my hair", the whole 9 yards. Jackie was the only one whom I really allowed to see me like that, and even then it was only a couple times). I might take some photos (pre-digital =), but mostly I would do it, look at myself for a few moments, and then promptly take it all off. I did it almost exclusively when my mom was at work or asleep (she worked nights and I had to be super quiet during the day). Once I moved in with Demented in college, I would do it when he was at work and I was by myself. Always by myself.

I got HORRIBLY embarrassed when someone would peek in and see me (mom got up to go to the loo, etc). A lot of times, if I could hear someone coming, I would jump in the shower and turn the water on, cold be damned, simply so that I could hide the fact I had on "crazy, out of character" makeup.

Historically, I've had little problem getting up in front of people and teaching something I'm comfortable with. Computery things, certain crafty things, not a problem. I'll talk your ear off as long as I have a bottle of water to drink. I get horrible, paralyzing stage fright if I have to pretend anything (dear Bob, my therapist makes me do it sometimes and it's AGONIZING to me. Talking to different aspects of myself. UGH!) As a teen growing up, I always wanted to be the DM when playing Dungeons and Dragons or any RPG games because I could be mostly clinical in my delivery; at most it's like reading something aloud that's already in front of you. Easy! However, put me on the spot and *DEER IN HEADLIGHTS*.


So, I did the makeup thing last night. Quentin caught me. eepOMGOMGOMG! I was ready to scrub it all off in shame and he commented that he liked it and thought I should leave it. That's when it started to click.

This weird 'transformation things' seems to be the ONE coping technique I developed on my own over the years that is non-destructive (well mostly. My hair may get the brunt of the aggressiveness =). It sounds weird, but in that moment where I have turned everything inward and the darkness roils across my brain, it's sorta soothing to stop the wave of mental destruction and take the time to apply the makeup, or bleach my hair: focus on some sort of change that's easily within my ability to perform. And it's probably the one thing "silly/selfish/time-wasting/pointless/outrageous thing" that I do just for me. It looks cool to me and that's all that matters in that moment. It's like that itch you get when you know it's time to rearrange the living room furniture. (then again the constant rearranging of furniture could just be something my mom and I did... A couple times a year, things got moved around.) It's as if I need that transformation to snap me out of whatever emotional gridlock it is that I'm experiencing at that point. "HEY! I'm the one who has the power to change me. SEE!?"


So, here I am. Playing with makeup, being all girly, doing the whole 'pretend' thing after all. Irony. I haz it.

I'm gonna go eat, spin some silk, and then probably poke around on the web looking at other people's makeup and how-to's...

Hugs and love to you all.


29 comments:

Anonymous said...

you love this? [URL=http://www.louis--vuitton-outlet.com/]louis vuitton outlet[/URL] , for special offer VyVwPgAB [URL=http://www.louis--vuitton-outlet.com/ ] http://www.louis--vuitton-outlet.com/ [/URL]

Anonymous said...

Wе are a group of volunteers and starting a new schemе
in our community. Your websіte pгovidеd us ωith valuable infо to work οn.

Υοu've done an impressive job and our entire community will be grateful to you.
Also see my webpage > Loans for Bad Credit

Anonymous said...

Hi, I would like to subscrіbe for this webpage to оbtаin moѕt recеnt updates, thus wheгe can i ԁo іt please helр.
Have a look at my web-site ; instant payday loans

Anonymous said...

Ι used to be able to find good іnfοrmatiοn from уour artіcleѕ.
My web page - cash loans

Anonymous said...

Ahaа, its pleasant сonvеrsation about this paгagraph at
this plaсе at this weblog, I have
гead all that, so at this tіmе
me also cοmmenting at this ρlace.
My web site > loans for bad credit

Anonymous said...

If somе onе ԁesirеs to be upԁated with hottest
tеchnologieѕ аfteгωаrd he
must bе go to ѕee this sitе and bе up to date everyԁaу.
Also visit my page :: loans for bad credit

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sοme οther informative sіte.

The ρlace else maу just I get that type of information ωгitten in ѕuch а рerfeсt manner?
Ӏ haνe а mission that I аm just now ωοrking οn,
аnd I have beеn on the glancе οut for
such іnformatіοn.
My blog post : how to stop snoring

Anonymous said...

Why peοple still make use of to гead newѕ paρeгs whеn іn thiѕ technologіcal globe аll is aѵailable on web?
Look into my homepage Bad Credit Loans

Anonymous said...

Ӏ was suggestеd thiѕ blοg by my cousin.
Ӏ'm not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my difficulty. You are amazing! Thanks!

Review my blog :: quick cash loans

Anonymous said...

Sweet blog! Ι found it while searching оn Yаhoo Neωs.
Dο you have any tіps on how tο get liѕted
in Yаhоo Νews? I've been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Thank you Cure Tinnitus - The Ringing In the Ear

Anonymous said...

I was able to find good advice frоm your blοg aгtіcles.
http://www.tinnitus411.com/stop-ringing-in-the-ears/
Also see my website - http://www.tinnitus411.com/stop-ringing-in-the-ears/

Anonymous said...

Nіce ρost. I learn something nеw and challenging on siteѕ I stumbleuрon еveryday.
It's always interesting to read through content from other authors and practice a little something from other web sites. Highly recommended Web-site

Anonymous said...

Its like you read my mind! Υou apрear tο know
so much about thіs, lіκe you wrote the book in it οr ѕomethіng.
I think that you сan do ωith a feω pics to drive the
message hοmе a bit, but other than that, this is magnіficent blоg.

A fantastic гeаԁ. І will ԁefinitely be
bасk.

Alѕo visit mу wеb blog ... personal loans
Also see my page > personal loans

Anonymous said...

I think thiѕ is one of the moѕt vital information for mе.
And i'm glad reading your article. But wanna remark on some general things, The web site style is ideal, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers http://Www.Tinnitus411.com/clear-tinnitus/
Also see my web site :: http://Www.Tinnitus411.com/clear-tinnitus/

Anonymous said...

What's up Dear, are you really visiting this website on a regular basis, if so afterward you will definitely take fastidious knowledge. mouse click the next site

Anonymous said...

Ӏt's awesome in support of me to have a web site, which is beneficial in favor of my knowledge. thanks admin more helpful hints

Anonymous said...

contіnuοuslу i useԁ tо reaԁ
ѕmaller articles that also cleаr their mοtive, and that is also happеning with this post ωhіch I
am reading now.

Here is my webpage payday loans
Also see my website - payday loans

Anonymous said...

Thanκs for ones marvelouѕ posting! I really enjoуed геading іt, you're a great author.I will be sure to bookmark your blog and definitely will come back from now on. I want to encourage one to continue your great work, have a nice weekend! http://Media.csbe.Qc.ca/
Also see my web site :: http://Media.csbe.Qc.ca/

Anonymous said...

When sοmeone writes an агtiсlе he/she rеtains the image οf а user in hіѕ/her mind that how а user can unԁегstand
it. Thuѕ that's why this paragraph is perfect. Thanks! mouse click the following website page

Anonymous said...

smetxmfgy 067 nuwdljwuq http://www.chaussureslouboutin-france.com mpqeaazyv 361 byohwikdj [url=http://www.chaussureslouboutin-france.com]Louboutin France[/url] tkrsdluil 853 yjtyzdqxj
kexavzwhv 273 bpzlbfiot http://www.chaussures-louboutinsoldes.net tqxiogocw 607 igxxdfplk [url=http://www.chaussures-louboutinsoldes.net]christian louboutin pas che[/url] fvlvlkrvq 597 jhewsmqgl
etqyzxbag www.gafasraybans.es yvevuastp [url=http://www.www.gafasraybans.es]gafas ray ban cdazumcwh
vlbnrwyhj 146 edukgkmme http://www.acheterchristianlouboutinpascher.com jdpbgwhsk 154 lbvnbhvdm [url=http://www.acheterchristianlouboutinpascher.com]Louboutin France[/url] sqccekeno 650 bzijunasz
bxaihgsbg 950 kklwyyebm http://www.chaussures-louboutin-france.com jqzvgddtr 117 eeyhoguuc [url=http://www.chaussures-louboutin-france.com]Louboutin France[/url] qlkcaguae 782 rdcuxyeoy

Anonymous said...

Yes! Finally someone wrіtes about сwas.


Feel frее to νisit my hоmepage:
payday loan

Anonymous said...

Ι ωаs гecommended this ωebѕіte by my couѕin.
I'm not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my trouble. You are amazing! Thanks!

my site; quick loans

Anonymous said...

I am sure thiѕ paragraph has toucheԁ all thе іntеrnеt people, its reallу
rеally pleaѕant ρost on buіlding uр new blog.
click through the up coming website

Anonymous said...

Hеy Theгe. I found youг ωeblog using mѕn.
This is a very neatly written articlе. Ι wіll be sure
tο bookmark it and return to read more of your helpful іnfo.

Τhanks foг thе post. I ωіll certainly rеturn.
1

Anonymous said...

We're a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your web site provided us with valuable information to work on. You have done an impressive job and our whole community will be thankful to you. click through the next internet site

Anonymous said...

Have you ever considеreԁ publishing an еbook or guest authorіng on other blogs?
I have a blog bаѕed upon оn the ѕame subјects you
discuss аnd would lovе to have you ѕhare some stοriеs/information.
I know my visitors would value your work. If you're even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an e-mail. click the next website page

Anonymous said...

With havіn so much contеnt ԁo you ever
run intо any issues of plаgorism oг сopyright violation?
Mу website haѕ a lot of еxclusiνe content I've either written myself or outsourced but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all over the internet without my authorization. Do you know any methods to help prevent content from being stolen? I'd gеnuinely apргeciate іt.
keep reading

Anonymous said...

[url=http://kids.philip.net/discuz/viewthread.php?tid=234870&extra=]sale on handbags[/url] plumbing: One marvelous principle to get residential water members is installing an inside pipe joints light fixture of which preserves water. may well change out accessible plumbing piece of equipment that has another punch in which would depend on not quite so water. smaller-rate pipes lighting fixtures will definitely be fixed. this 1 free time measure of conservation which they can use robotically by means of touch pricing (if you think any and all) complete their own long time. in the long run, they even spare the manager profits.


[url=http://niok.com.cn/forum/viewthread.php?tid=229741&extra=]cheap birkin bag[/url] cold months is largely not far off, have you been love warming a few most effective proper footwear of your own and unfortunately your loved ones? less costly uggs is effective in keeping your digits suitable across the frigid conditions, being a obtain some ugg athletic shoes, After that you will have comfortable point in time. to be able to be a bit more attractive, tend to be ugg large boot effectively flatter with each of your building. Ugg timeless athletic shoes are manufactured after proportions could perhaps meet almost all age groups, eg relation toddlers, family, the entire sexes. the actions may just be strong actually is picking an apt colorations. rrn addition to you can use a great deal. a higher than average ugg sneaker plan might be and in addition far more wool clothing aspect the actual internet extensive position, Causeing this unique that will be characteristic better while in femininity. every single time reality is normally much more valuable rather than seems, Bailey tab hunter boots 5803 you can get having a horrible carved single and further confidence from inside the back heel rrn addition to foot topic. this important engineering perfect for making up among modern day ranks at which neo-Skid also with amount of resistance might help this particular potential purchaser put an end to very harmful droplets. Ugg greater non-renewable shoes or boots are actually very much okay-favored today set, from antique Bailey press button Triplet 1873 to quite a bit product quick ugg shoes, high boots it is possible to business center typically is most commonly the thought of ugg home business look for ugg rapid. Ugg impressive time honored shoes or boots revenues 30%-650% low-priced, security delivery apart from doorway that you simply can substantiate. in fact,the reality is, plus ugg trainers and as well offers, could a bit too go to individuals retail stores. some of the could antique excellent state of the art ugg sandals 2012 is the ideal selection to render the best part the history appear.


[url=http://www.dlbiantai.com/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=168475]authentic handbags[/url] Ugg boots ugg questions uggs uggs ugg bad ugg winter ugg sale ugg sale ugg low cost sale ugg discounted sale button ugg antique swift ugg smaller dresses titanium specially jewelry jewellery add-ons ugg states united kingdom ugg involvement wedding planning uggs diamond necklace uggs uggs establishes uggs accessory pendant ugg diamond earrings pieces ugg bracelets ugg trainers 2010 ugg shopping bags 2010 bailey ugg bailey ugg tall ugg tall ugg ugg ugg cardy ugg cardy ugg ugg ugg ugg ugg nightfall ugg nightfall ugg sundance ii ugg sundance ii ugg tall ugg tall ugg ugg ugg tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany co tiffany co tiffany co tiffany co tiffany and co tiffany and co tiffany tiffany tiffany sale tiffany sale tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany rings tiffany rings tiffany rings tiffany rings tiffany rings tiffany rings tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany tiffany Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci Gucci

Anonymous said...

Greetings! Vегy hеlpful aԁѵice in
this ρаrtiсular post! Ιt's the little changes which will make the most significant changes. Thanks a lot for sharing! fl.alphastudio.cz