Friday, August 05, 2011

school, Alcohol talking, and friends


Well, I went to the school Introduction Luncheon on Wednesday. I got there late because I put the wrong time in my phone to remind me. I set it for 12:30 instead of just 12. DOH! Everyone assured me no harm, no foul, but I still felt like a doofus. I wasn't the only one with colored hair. Another woman in my arts track had crazy bright intense pink hair. It was beautiful!

I'm just a hodge-podge of colors since I was down to the dregs of the bottles and jars of color. SO, my bangs are green to light teal and then I've got electric purple on the left, fuchia on the right side and the back is cobalt and purple.

Had a falling out with JMW. Why does it always involve alcohol? When I get verbally attacked, I responded, asking about perceived character flaws. I get de-friended and ignored. Here's a hint Sweetie, NOBODY ignores me better than my Mom. She's had years of practice, to the point I'm immune to it now. Why is it some narcissistic people have such a hard time talking rationally about problems related to themselves? I can only guess that it's insecurity. "OH NO! someone sees through the walls I built up. I'll destroy them before they destroy any more of my walls." How sad. It's not as if this wasn't expected. It's just a repeat of being pushed away because something digs too deeply into his sense of id and ego. The problem is you can only push people away so many times till they say, "No more" and permanently walk away. Lonely people are lonely.

I could look at it from the eyes of a 7 year old Dory. I wasn't good enough to be something worth staying around for from my dad's POV. He drank himself to death. Booze was more important than his daughter. Than me. I'm not good enough for anyone then, I suppose. I'm not good enough to ask a rational, adult question and get a response, but I should sit there and take whatever is dished out onto me. "I am superior, therefore I have no flaws to be pointed out." Bullshit. 7 year old Dory would have curled up in a ball and cried for a while, but 30 years later, I feel sad for them.

I know I am allowed to have my own emotions, my own opinions, but I also know the adult thing to do is control them instead of them controlling me. I don't kick kittens who pee on the sofa. I don't bash a cat's head in a doorway. Because I can control my temper. Someone who lets their anger overwhelm them and then do these things has some serious problems. What's to stop them from doing that to a human they get mad at? Where does the rage end? And it's fueled by alcohol.

My dad was apparently one of the nicest guys you could ever want to meet when he was sober. He was a very different man when he drank. I have no reference for what he was like when he smoked marijuana.

I may take atavan as the pharmaceutical equivalent of a martini, it's at least controlled. Why not do the same with alcohol? It does far more damage than my atavan does. Countless DUIs, abuse inside the home (both mental and physical), the list could go on. Marijuana, illegal at the federal level, has been shown time and time again that it has a great deal of medicinal properties.

Think about this: when dealing with weed only (not been laced with anything) how many people get violent? They don't. That's not how it works. But booze. oh yeah. Anger comes out 10 fold. You want to know crazy? Portugal decriminalized drugs (a new 'Amsterdam') and their violent crime rate actually went DOWN. There have been fewer deaths by overdoses and less HIV transmission. Think about that. Instead of running out of room for inmates, and contemplating allowing rapists and violent criminals out because of overcrowding (remember the 3 strikes law, you are found with weed 3 times, you're up shit creek permanently) we could tax and sell weed. THAT'S a way to make new jobs here on US soil. What's the worst thing I can think of if someone has smoked weed? Getting mouthy because someone took the last piece of pizza. They're not going to take a large kitchen knife and slash someone's bedding all to hell while stoned, but probably if they're drunk. Ask me how I know. Go on. Do it.

Because it happened to me.

GLAH. This turned into more of a rant than I wanted, but I just had to get it out. It's my blog and if you don't like it, don't read it.

Anyhow, after my school Luncheon Wednesday I met Matt, my new therapist. I wasn't sure what to expect at first, but I think it will be a good fit. This assumes I don't confuse him completely with my tangental talking. I asked him how long he was going to be around and he assured me he's going to be here a while. That's a good thing.

My back has been a steady 6-8 on the pain scale for the last week or so. Unfortunately, that means that I'm moody and cranky. I try to not take it out on Rykujin, but I don't always succeed. I'll be soooooo glad for that damn cortisone epidural come September! Walking around Walfart for groceries or waiting to get my meds filled, my left thigh goes numb. Today I also had numb patches on my right shoulder blade. *sigh*

Mostly I've been knitting. I have that pair of socks for KlrWombat I'm making, I'm soooo close to finishing Cephalogal's shawl and I have started a pair of cabled fingerless mitts for myself with yarn I was given, from Nanonukie.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be bunnysitting for Cephalogal and Griffin. I'm looking forward to it. I feel kinda spoiled because they have cable tv. I can even watch SyFy's bad movies! *does little happy dance*

so that's my life at the moment. One door closes, another opens.

1 comment:

choperena said...

Woohoo on the new doc and school meet! How did Lacey treat you? And you still need to come by the house to pick up your glasses.