Thursday, April 22, 2010

My Freya shawl!!

It's laying on my bed at the moment, being blocked. I can't believe I actually made it! It turned out much better than I had expected. I had a number of false starts with it before I realized I was knitting all wrong. I had been wrapping my stitches the wrong direction, making the whole thing look wacky, as well as doing SSK's all wrong. Duh! Once I got that taken care of, it wasn't hard at all. Counting stitches was the hardest part. I messed up a couple times, but I think I fudged it acceptably.

I think I'm ready to start reading charts now. That's my next learning experience to tackle.

This is before blocking:

It really stretched out and I realize now how imperative blocking is. Blocking is the process by which you convince the yarn to take a different shape. It turned out much MUCH larger. I'm glad I ran out of yarn and wasn't able to complete the pattern (I ended on row 84 out of 117). This is after blocking. Sorry there's no cat for measurement purposes =)
I have some pretty, dark pine green wool/silk KnitPicks yarn that I want to make into a shawl for my mom. I don't know if I want to do the same pattern or a different one. I have 2 pairs of socks to finish first, however.

*does her little happy dance* I did it! I did it! =) lol

cleaning for the new table!

This is just a short update.

Last night I found a really nice kitchen table out by the dumpster. I was so excited! My existing table was just the top of one resting on two sawhorses. So Rykujin and I finagled the table into the apartment. Today's task was cleaning off the old table, running the sweeper, and putting the new table in place and getting rid of the old one. It looks so much better and there's actually more room because the sawhorses aren't taking up such a large chunk of space.

I have a table I can play dominoes on! Woot!!

I also talked to PSU Financial Aid. I will get my official Award Letter sometime in June. I was able to find out that I qualify for the full amount of the Pell Grant, and I will get enough in Stafford loans to cover the cost of school. There might be other grants I qualify for, but I won't know until I get the Award Letter. I am looking into other government grants for people on SSDi too.

Doing Adult Things today and tomorrow. Did bills. I'm caught up on my MAWD and rent, monies set aside for WoW/FFxi/phone (they get taken out automagically) and paid on the internet and electric. Tomorrow I go to the Driver's License center to get my license renewed, wal-fart for prescriptions and hopefully the post office to mail out the yarn barf back to it's owner...

Other than that, it's been a sedate day. Rykujin wrestled with the little boys from upstairs for a while today. They had a blast playing in the grass with Rykujin doing hip tosses and random wrestling moves that I don't know the name of.

I don't promise to update daily, but I'm going to update more than every 2 months. That I do promise. =)

hugs and love

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I didn't realize that it's been so long since my last update. I'm a slacker.

  • Let's see. I turned 36 last month. I'm now officially closer to 40 than 30. I feel a little old.
  • I've been sick off and on for the last month and a half
  • My psychiatrist retired and I have a new woman as my psych
  • She's taking a different approach to my meds: I've gone on Luvox and we're discontinuing my Effexor. I've gone from Major Depression with psychotic features/anxiety/BPD to all that and OCD too. (I have some bad habits like chewing my lip/finger, picking at my feet, collecting slivers of soap [really! I'm going to make homemade soap with all the slivers, honest!] and picking crafts-du-jour and obsessing over them till I run out of steam)
  • I started a lace shawl
  • I read 11 Janet Evanovich novels about bounty hunter Stephanie Plum
  • A friend Rykujin met on WoW has come to stay with us
and the big one that started today....

My meeting with my psychologist revolved around my hands and just what my ability to sit and pound on a keyboard for 8 hours is. The short answer is, "I don't know." From there it evolved into me being in a rut and what causes me to stay in it. Fear of success, fear of failure and... being enabled by Rykujin. I think I've reached the same point in my relationship with him that I had come to with Demented, where I end up relying too much on them. It's something that we're going to be talking about next week.

This evening, Rykujin heard some of my phone conversation with Ralph. Rykujin now knows that my intent is to live alone. It's all a matter of timeline now. It wasn't an easy conversation. I know it's not over yet, either.

I feel bad because I know it's going to affect his schooling and I don't want him to stop. I don't know what's going to happen. I know I've put Rykujin ahead of my own wants/needs because I want him to succeed. It's a cycle I've had since I was little, out of necessity first, then as a habit. I want to furnish others with the things they want and ignore myself. That has to stop.

Once upon a time I wanted to own a bead store, then that vaporized. Now, I don't know what I want. I've been afraid to want anything, honestly. If I don't have dreams or aspirations, then when they don't come to fruition I'm not devastated. Seems simple enough. The problem is without drive, there's no success. I can't drive other's success without doing so for myself first. The whole 'you have to affix the airplane oxygen mask to yourself before helping those around you'.

Most of this seems like common sense, but it's been really hard to admit it to myself and out loud for some reason. Why am I telling you, gentle reader, any of this? I guess because it's a sort of catharsis for me and it gives you some insight into my life and who I am at the moment. I'm guessing you read to 1) make sure I'm still around and 2) because you might just be bored and are a voyeur into other people's lives... =-)

*hugs* to you all