Wednesday, October 20, 2010

where our heroine discusses new Psych doctors and time to bleach her hair

Well, yesterday I saw the psychiatrist, Dr. K. She's a very pleasant woman who seems to have heard a lot of people complaining about Bollinger. Yes, I'm upset enough with the old psychiatrist that I'm using her real name because I think the stunt she pulled (canceling appointments and then leaving PSU's employment) is a load of shit. I *thought* she was a nice doctor and I *thought* the new approach would be good. So much for her Hippocratic Oath.
Honestly, without a commitment to the patient, she shouldn't practice. It's especially hard on people who have attachment issues. I truly hate to say this, but I would not recommend her to anyone.

The first thing I asked Dr. K was how long was she going to be my doctor. I was that blunt, too. I know she already has quite a case load. Before I allowed myself to get attached to her, I wanted to know if I was going to be shuffled off to the new psychiatrist if/when the PSU Psych Clinic hires someone else. She assured me that she would be my doctor for the foreseeable future. Fair enough.

We then discussed my moods (according to Rykujin I've been "up and down more times than a pair of kangaroos in mating season." He's amusing =) and the OCD issue. Dr. K isn't convinced that it was the right path to take my treatment. While I do have some very strong habits (Here's where I admit I have a problem somewhat obsessively picking and plucking my face and ripping skin off my feet... There. I've said the worst of it and now everyone knows.) they themselves do not constitute DSM diagnosed OCD. On a black and white scale where black is crippling OCD and white is no OCD at all, I'm a light shade of grey. In the end, because I'm on a fairly high dose of Luvox and it's having marginal effect on the habits, we're going to ween me off of it. I have started back up on the Effexor since it seemed to at least have me evened out. We will probably increase it when I see her again in 2 weeks (currently, I'm on 75mg).

Today I saw KC as my psychologist. We also talked about what happened with my treatment relative to Bollinger dumping my appointments and then leaving, how it made me feel (um. Angry? Abandoned?) and a little about how I feel about treatment in general (If I cannot be honest with my therapist, who can I be honest with? Yes, Gentle Reader, while you get the truth out of me, there are times I gloss over things or just don't talk about them at all. Though this all makes me boggle at the fact I can sit here and type some of the more intimate details of my health [mental and physical] yet I still drop the phone like a hot potato when you call, sometimes. I'm getting better, but I still prefer the disconnect of text on a screen over talking in person. How peculiar. I'll have to think about that more... anyhow.... =)

KC and I talked about how the PSU clinic is foremost a teaching facility and by the nature of it, therapists will come and go over the years. I'm cool with that. AR, my old psychologist, warned me well ahead of time that we were going to separate and I respect that. Someday the same will happen with KC. However, the psychiatrists are supposed to be foundation stones, set in place to anchor the treatment and that failed with Bollinger. I mean, she wasn't even there a year. I had 3 maybe 4 appointments with her, in total.

Yeah, I'm really hurt and angry about her... School was a year in planning and then for me to fail so spectacularly in 2.5 months...

On to lighter topics.

I'm sitting here typing with a wal-mart bag on my head as the bleach does its job. I've not decided what color(s?) exactly I want to do it yet. I have teal, cobalt blue, fuchsia and electric purple... Occasionally I debate dying all my hair black and being done with it, but then someone somewhere compliments me and (inevitably) leans over in a conspiratorial manner and whispers, "I wish I could do that!!" It's the older (early to mid 60s) women who thrill me the most. It always floors me that someone who's my mom's generation would want fuchsia hair. Then again, Are You Being Served? had the woman with the big hair that was blue or pink, so I guess it's not that odd... Perhaps just the intensity both of the color and their wistfulness of it.

Anyhow, I decided it was time to bleach it and start over. I had a good 3" of roots showing and the colors had all washed out to a silvery grey color. *snort* People spend hundreds of dollars to get rid of their grey and here I am walking around with a full head of self-induced grey at 36. At this point, I still don't think I have any natural grey. I'm taking after my mom and her dad's side of the family. My father, on the other hand, was salt and pepper in his senior high school photo and (while I don't remember this part) was almost completely white haired when he died at 36 back in '81.

Aside from that, I've been knitting like mad for Choperena. I've started a little pouch to put a cell phone in. It's black with a large red "B" on it (for Buffy the Vampire Slayer). I have always marveled at Nanonukie's color work. Let me just say that after having done this project 1) it's addictive doing 2 color knitting and 2) it's a LOT harder than I anticipated!! I have an even deeper respect for her work now. I just cannot get the tension down right! So, Nanonukie, I bow down to your amazing color work. You are a gem among knitters. =)

Other than that, pricing tires, playing Puzzle Quest 2 on my little Nintendo DS when I lay down to nap, some drop spinning and trying to keep the kitchen clean. My cold seems to have mostly gone, though every now and then I have a 'productive cough' fit.

Ok. now I'm typing blind because I have a fat, tubby little cat sitting on my desk infront of the screen. I think that's her way of telling me she wants attention so I will sign off for now.

hugs and love

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

RIP Chaucer

I learned today that Chaucer passed away peacefully a couple years ago. I have to admit, I bawled. I really lost it for a good half hour. I suspected he had. After all, he was born in '94 I think. He was my little Rockview escapee.

The prison had (has?) a ferrel cat population that they allowed because it kept small varmint at bay. Every so often, if they found a litter when it was young enough, they would take them and employees would bring the kittens home to keep the population down to reasonable levels. Chaucer was one such kitty.

We had been living with my mom in Bellefont on Lamb St. at the time. I remember her with a little 1'x1'x1' box that was mewling as she came upstairs from the garage. Inside was this tiny tiny tiny fuzzy little kitten who's tail still stuck straight up and his eyes were still slightly blue. He was soooooo young. I didn't know what to feed him so I just guessed. I opened a can of tuna
and dipped my finger in the juice so he could lick it off. I remember him nibbling on my finger with his tiny milk teeth.

Somewhere there's a photo of him, just a small kitten, asleep laying across the book Unix for the Impatient. I think I might have video of him chasing ice cubes across the tile kitchen floor like a fuzzy hockey player. He would drool on the crook of my arm as he snuggled in my lap. =-}

Choperena's kitty, Herb, reminds me so much of Chaucer. I love Herb to death because of it. He reminds me of all the good things. Extra fur on his paws so he slides across hardwood floors, the extra mane making his face big and fluffy...

I wonder if he remembered me at all... I'll never forget him.

I know the photos are messed up in the blog. Sorry for that, but if you click on them, you can see the whole image...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

a long month in which random life altering things happen...

It's been a month since I updated my blog. Seems like it's been longer, there's so much to talk about. One month consisted of: school, personal psychology issues, a car, Choperena's roller derby, bunny-sitting and watching cheezy movies on SyFy, Alice Cooper, meeting new people and Demented contacting me.

At the moment, I'm listening to Red Dwarf coming from Rykujin's room (season 4, to be exact) and dealing with The Head Cold From Hell. I thought it was going to be just a couple of days with some upper sinus congestion but it has migrated into my left ear and now I've almost lost my voice. whee.

Where to begin? It all seems pretty epic. I'm hesitant to talk about most of it, but I will anyhow because You, Gentle Reader, come here to find out the details (for some strange reason =) and expect me to be honest. So I will be. How to approach everything? I suppose chronologically would be best...

I'll start by saying the world is still spinning (and so am I, furiously so, while I ponder the last 31 days =) and aside from the cold, I'm doing pretty well. So no worries!

It all begins earlier this spring when my psychiatrist, Dr. J, decided it was time to retire, so PSU brought in a new Psych and I was assigned to her, Dr. B. She's the one who decided to try tackling some of my OCD issues, prescribing the Luvox instead of the Effexor. Then, in July, my psychologist braced me for her leaving PSU, too. She finished her doctoral work and was moving on. My last real session with her was at the end of July before going to Pennsic (saw her once after, but that was just kinda a wrap-up session). Dr. B then canceled my August appointment and I was on the waiting list for a new therapist. Ok. School started. The idea that I would have group projects really set in. Minor panic ensues, but I'm going to see Dr. B, I'll talk with her about it, right? Wrong. She canceled my September appointment too. I'm THEN told she's leaving the PSU Psych Clinic and *POOF* now I'm without psychologist OR psychiatrist. In the mean time, I was swamped with school, beginning to think going off the Effexor was not the right move and steadily getting more freaked out. Not to mention freaking out that I was freaking out (if that makes sense).

Then I start crashing. Hard. To the point I debated checking myself into 3 South (the psych
ward at the local hospital). I didn't, but I knew it was time for a Medical Withdrawal for the semester. *hangs head* I feel guilty and ashamed that I couldn't do it. I thought I went into the semester with open eyes, but I realize that a large cog wheel of my support machine was missing. My advisor even commented on it. (Yana, you are the BEST advisor I've ever known, by far!) All I have to say is I have some of the best friends I could ever hope to gather and I cannot thank you all enough for being there for me, some directly, some more ephemerally.

Hell, I even managed to make some new friends during this past month, which leads me into the next part of everything that's going on. B&C are friends of AJ and AJ is Choperena's SO. (all these letters!! I feel like I'm back in UNIX-land with all the abbreviations =) B knits beautifully, and has started spinning, so I first met her at AJ's apartment when B wanted some input on a spinning wheel she has. We all just kinda hit it off. Eventually I learn B&C have two cars, one they want to sell. I jokingly commented that I wanted a car but would have to pay for it in installments. Turns out, they're fine with that! So, for the past couple of weeks, we've had it to two mechanics to get it checked out (two because we both have a distrust of mechanics in general and wanted to make sure we both knew the state of the car going into this arrangement). I need to get new tires for it sooner rather than later and there's some small buts of rust to keep an eye on, but the engine and transmission are in excellent shape. It passed PA Inspection about 2 weeks ago, so it's definitely road worthy. As long as I keep winter salt washed off, it should last for years. (oh, it's a 2001 Nissan Sentra =)Assuming things slow down a little for C, we'll do the transfer sometime this week. C had a major grant proposal due this past week and was inundated with it, work, and school or we would have done it sooner.

I know I've talked about moving closer to town/campus so I wouldn't need a car, but... I really like my apartment. I like the space, the fact I can have two cats (Havoc and 1/2&1/2 are non-negotioable) and the fact I can see stars at night. I hate the fact I'm on the B bus route and I've had to use a taxi to get groceries home. Never mind the fact that if something comes up on short notice, I have to have friends lug my ass around (or gods forbid I have to call an ambulance for lack of taxi money to get to the ER) and I see my mom once a year, if I'm lucky and she only lives an 45 minutes away... I know I felt better about myself when I had a car (Granted, I felt like an idiot when the Audi turned out to be a big turd, but I digress.) because I Was In Control. Yes, I know that's only a perception, I cannot control the other drivers, but stop and think how it might feel if you didn't have a car and had to always bum rides off people when you wanted to go see them. I know you love me because you keep coming back to see me, but it would be nice to return the favor on occasion, you know? <=-)

Last weekend I got a mini-vacation and bunny-sat Lacy for Aurora. It was bliss! Then on Sunday, 10/10 my favorite local DM and Choperena took me to see Alice Cooper in Johnstown. OMG! it was soooooooooo awesome!! For a 60+ year old, the man puts on an amazingly energized concert/magic show! He played for an hour and 1/2 with only a couple 30-45 second breaks for costume changes or *cough* technical difficulties (once he was hanged, once he lost his head to a guillotine and once he was impaled in a box >=-). The MurderDolls opened, then Alice, then Rob Zombie played. Don't get me wrong, I like Rob. A lot. However, Alice has been a hero of mine since I was 12. I think that's what carried me through the whole 'crowd issue'. I've wanted to see him for so long, so badly, that as long as Rykujin or Choperena was around, I could cope with the crowd. A couple tramadol helped both my back with the standing as well as calming me. The best part?! During his last set, he was wearing the same shirt as I was!! ($5@Wal-Fart. Who would have guessed?!)

The final major thing is: Demented contacted me this morning. There were some problems surrounding Facebook that I had no part of, but he wanted to make sure. He is doing well and going to school, himself. I feel... mixed. I'm glad he's doing well, but I don't know what happens now. I guess I understand why he needed to check if I had something to do with his FB issue, but I'm also a little hurt that he thought I might meddle in his life in such a negative way. I've got enough to juggle in my life without causing others problems. Besides, I like to think that Karma's a bitch and will whack you upside the head if you pull a stunt like that.

As to my school situation, well, I've not given up. I haven't decided exactly what I'm going to do this spring. I think I am going to transfer to South Hills Business School though, come next fall. I've mulled it over and think it's a better option for me for a number of reasons. While it doesn't have the 'prestige' that a degree from PSU has, it does have smaller classes on a smaller campus. It will be easier for me to get around during the day (no rushing from one side of campus a half mile to the other side of campus all while lugging a back pack full of books around) as well as getting to know the teachers better and being a part of a smaller groups of students, not part of some crushing mass during class changes.

Throw in moral support of Choperena's roller derby participation and you round out the month.

I have appointments to meet my new Psychiatrist and new Psychologist this upcoming week. I'll keep you posted.

pshew. That was a lot of typing. I leave you with photos from the concert taken with my iPhone. You'll see that gobs of other people were doing the same thing with their cell phones =)
hugs and love

Thursday, September 16, 2010

new quantum leap in computer processing?

Just a quick post today. Amber came by to get some of her stuff, Becca took me to the Spinner's meeting out at Knitter's Underground, and Ethan came by today to fix my washer (the break was gone so it made HORRIBLE screeching noise when it stopped spinning. eek. That and the control board that regulated cold and hot water fried. He's going to get the board in tomorrow to finish fixing it. It's a good deal cheaper fixing a washer like this than it is to go out and buy a new one. I inherited mine from a friend who moved out of state. It looks like it was a top-of-the-line model about 10 years ago. It worked like a champ up till it stopped giving me cold water... =) I've been reading for school off and on throughout the day. So it's been a busy day for me.

It's rainy and stormy here in Boalsburg. My hair is frizzy like all-get-out from the humidity. My hands have been giving me problems today as well. I had (what I thought was) a good idea and had bought a Logitec Trackball about a month ago. Today was the last straw. I cannot use it. My thumb (the one that operates the ball) has been shaking today so I have a hell of a time trying to click on anything. The harder I try to control the shaking, the more it shakes. I broke down and I'm getting a Kensington Trackball from Amazon. It should be here Saturday, I think. It's the mouse that my orthopedic doctor recommended after the CT surgeries. *sigh*

I have a section on my left forearm that feels raw (Imagine running 100 grit sand paper on the underside of your forearm till it *just* starts to bleed. That's what it feels like whenever it touches something.). Makes sitting with my arm on an armrest, shall we say, annoying. If you poke me just about anywhere, it feels like a bruise. I think all of this is from a combination of stress of school and the weather.

ANYHOW! What I really want to talk about is this:

I just saw this article on Financial Times (of all the weird places!) and thought I would share it with you, Dear Reader. I know they've been playing around with the idea for years now... At least 7 years of research (I can remember back in '03 talking about this with co-workers) and now they have something come to fruition! A computer that uses light instead of electricity to perform its tasks!It's not perfected by any stretch of the imagination, but they've done it finally! I don't know if you can access FT without logging in so I've provided info about where to find it, who wrote it and snippets of the article:

Computers set for quantum leap

By Clive Cookson in Birmingham

Published: September 16 2010 19:18 | Last updated: September 16 2010 19:18

A new photonic chip that works on light rather than electricity has been built by an international research team, paving the way for the production of ultra-fast quantum computers with capabilities far beyond today’s devices.


Jeremy O’Brien, director of the UK’s Centre for Quantum Photonics, who led the project, said many people in the field had believed a functional quantum computer would not be a reality for at least 25 years.

“However, we can say with real confidence that, using our new technique, a quantum computer could, within five years, be performing calculations that are outside the capabilities of conventional computers,” he told the British Science Festival, as he presented the research.

The breakthrough, published today in the journal Science, means data can be processed according to the counterintuitive rules of quantum physics that allow individual subatomic particles to be in several places at the same time.

This property will enable quantum computers to process information in quantities and at speeds far beyond conventional supercomputers. But formidable technical barriers must be overcome before quantum computing becomes practical.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Classes continue

I just sent mail to my adviser about my English 202C class. *sigh* Here all along I thought Econ was going to be my biggest problem, but I'm doing better in it each week and my IST classes are great!

English on the other hand...

So, time to come clean about my books. I had to buy them at the end of the first week. I had a minor budgeting issue that prevented me from getting my books ahead of time. I admit, it's my own fault. I made sure to tell all my instructors about it and both Econ and IST 210 profs were really cool about it. English though... He suggested dropping the class which I cannot do since I've got no more drop credits (the one down side to using my previous college career credits is that it also takes into account ALL aspects of my previous college life, including having used up all my drop credits =/ ). So that didn't start off well...

We're supposed to be in teams but apparently something isn't working right for him so the entire class is in one group at the moment. Lovely.

So we have an assignment due tonight (Tuesday) where we're supposed to review peer's abstracts. The problem is I cannot find them anywhere. I sent mail to my team (before finding out about the team problem) and to him using the ANGEL mail service, like we're told to do. Nothing from him or anyone else. It's as if my question went into a void.

I can't do the stupid assignment if I cannot find these abstracts, I now think I missed something from last week too, so now I'm just screwed. ARGH!! I sent mail to my adviser telling her everything and asking her advice. *sigh*

Truth be told, I've had headaches by evening 3 or 4 days out of the week for the last two weeks.
If I can just get through this semester, things will be golden. I should have contacted the PSU Office of Disability and gotten accommodations for my classes (extra time on assignments etc.), but I thought I could muscle through without resorting to that. Now I'm kicking myself in the ass.

Aside from that things are peachy. Choperena and the Bass Sasquatch took Rykujin and I to Harrisburg on Sunday to eat at the Appalachian Brewery Company then to watch the Harrisburg roller derby team take on a team from Rhode Island. We lost, unfortunately, but I had a good time none the less.

Ok. time to go beat my head against something hard. The irony to all this is I took my English quiz today and got a 93% (14 out of 15 questions right). It's not as if I don't know about rhetoric, research, and technical writing, I just can't seem to get the class mechanics themselves sussed out. grrrrr.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

first week under my belt

Dyed my hair again. This is the color I went to Pennsic with, but because of the sun, it faded pretty badly. I was merely a washed out pink by the end of the week. I'm back to bright, brilliant red.

Pennsic was wonderful. I have a beautiful headband my niece made me. Photos are over here. I can't offer enough thanks to everyone who helped get me there, hung out with me, offered me food, and generally kept me company and made me feel welcome. **HUG**

The first week of classes is over. PSHEW! um, yeah, college is harder than I remembered. I can do it, but dear FSM! I notice things don't come as easy as it used to. I had to reread some of the lecture notes over and over and it's still not engraved in my brain, but I'm getting there. I think that I'm going to like doing the distance education classes this time around. There's a much better sense of class-togetherness instead of being one person laboring alone mailing in papers (my one and only college level F was English 202C back in 1996 done as a distance education class).

more later. hugs and love


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

And So It Begins

I just had this *poof* epiphany moment just now when I realize not only am I socializing in my class, but also that I will basically eat, sleep, and work class work. I simply have to give over to the dark side of socializing and turn this... this Class Thing into a lifestyle.


That's some serious commitment on my part. *gulp* It's like grabbing the waist band of your Big Girl Pants and you're putting them on oh so slowly... Until you suddenly realize that it's already on you and it sends a message, what you wear is a statement about what you think about life, the universe and everything.

Putting on those Big Girl Pants gives you certain Commitments.

I'm horrified of Commitment be it with another person or my cell phone contract. The only thing I can think of that scares me more it's "TeamWork".

The class I thought was going to be easiest, IST110, has a final project that requires a team to work together in order to make a 5-8 minute video we have to post to youTube for our final. We have to write the script, get the folly sounds, record it, convert it, the whole WHOLE spiel,
as a team?! If I were doing the whole thing myself , I would be fine doing the project alone, but add in "a team" and klaxons go off and red, spinning lights pop up.

I sit here in wide-eyed wonder at what Ralph and KlrWombat must be dealing with at work, managing other people.


well, back to reading about my classmates. (at least one of them has a really good sense of humor.)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Scheduled classes for this fall!

I've done it! I've got classes scheduled for this upcoming fall semester!!

I talked to Carol at World Campus Registration and she walked me though signing up for my first semester back to school. She was wonderful and knowledgeable. I called nervous (I was actually shaking =) but by the end of our 1/2 hour on the phone I was feeling much more relaxed and sure of what the next steps would be. So first of all, this is what I'm taking this fall:

IST 110 Information, People and Technology 2nd section
Effective Writing: Technical Writing 2nd section
IST 210
Organization of Data sect 1
IST 250 New Media and the Web sect 2

I was going to take CMPSC 101 but there was only one section and it was full, so I managed to get into IST 250 instead...

I'm still going to be DAF129, but I won't be able to get my password reset until Friday or Saturday. That will gain me access to (as a side note, I remember when JimmyV was first tasked with creating portal waaaaaaaaaay back in the late '90s. *shakes head* Never thought I would be using his work... =) where I can manage just about everything, from what I've seen! ANGEL is where I will do my class work and eLion is where I manage my tuition bill (which will be processed this weekend sometime) and other administratrivia. I also found out that I have 6th semester standing...

aieeeeeeeeeeeeee!! I'm actually doing this! =)

Monday, June 21, 2010

A busy weekend

My weekend (photos included) started Friday morning by going over to KlrWombat's to dog-sit Shasta for him over a long weekend.

Friday night Choperena took me to The Bar to see CE sing and celebrate his birthday. We hung out with a guy, BK, who seemed to geek out in style to Choperena's pleasure! We went to Perkins afterwards and just talked for a while. As we started to leave, he asked for her number to give her a call later. *does happy dance* It was good to see her that happy =)

Saturday was Knit in Public Day, though the spinners were out in force. Choperena and I could only stay for a couple hours because we had a Dungeon Date with her housemate and some other friends.

Sunday was a quiet day just hanging out with Shasta at home and walking her.

Today we had some Drama with J and Q. J will be going home in August and will stay there. We just cannot provide what she needs. It's a weight off my shoulders...

Time to let one of the munchkins from upstairs play WoW...
more later; hugs and love

Friday, June 18, 2010

Wag the dory...

Just got back from walking Shasta. I think it better to say she walked me =) we encountered a very brave bunny who stood her ground and stared back at a pointing Shasta. As soon as we got back home, she started checking the garden for the bunny (who had hopped off in a entirely different direction).

She's a very sweet pup who has stayed by my side almost the entire day. I took a nap earlier (KlrWombat has an amazingly comfortable bed *drool*) and she slept with me, always making sure some part of her touched some part of me.

Well, that's it for now. Hugs and love

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

a little hectic

The boys from upstairs are here helping me write my blog tonight. They have been down here playing WoW and watching Futurama with us.

We did a little grocery shopping today and picked up soda, my meds, a ton of frozen vedgies and cat food/litter. Nothing really all that exciting.

I found out yesterday that my therapist, Amanda, is reducing her hours and that means I will be getting a new therapist sometime in July. It should be interesting. I've come a long ways in the 3 years that I have been seeing her. She's come to know a lot of my nuances, and I'm going to miss her.

I've got a busy weekend ahead of me. I'm dogsitting for KlrWombat, going to "Knit in Public" with Cephalogal, and a D&D session with Choperena et al. =) I probably won't post again till Saturday night or Sunday...

ok. I have ancy kids wanting the laptop back to play WoW.
hugs and love

Monday, June 14, 2010

Well that was interesting

As I was leaving weis, I saw Demented get out of a white Prelude... My hands only started shaking now that I'm at home. * long exhale * part of me almost wishes we could of said 'hi'

Glah. A lot of contradictory emotions...

Friday, June 11, 2010

Just because I can

It gives me practice using the touch keyboard, I'm posting using my phone. :)

Sorry. I'm having too much. Fun with this


Yay! I was able to get my iPhone last night!! KlrWombat took me to the AT&T store in the Nittany Mall so I could pick it up. We discovered that the phone I was originally going to get was just the first generation G3, not the G3s that I thought I was getting. KlrWombat offered to cover the difference for me in prices between the two phones. *hangs head* I took him up on his offer (thankyouthankyouthankyou KlrWombat) and Sandy, the woman at AT&T was able to do the exchange at no charge.

SO, I'm now the proud owner of a 16gig G3s iPhone. =) It was sad to retire the SLVR, but I've already started to move in and make it my home. I found a little app called iToner that allowed me to move my old ringtones into the phone, I put a couple pictures on it for backgrounds, I've got it running off my wireless network here at home, I put Pandora and a slew of other useless games and apps on it. I'm waiting till I get paid next week to put Bejeweled2 on it... =)

I'm still getting the hang of the keyboard on it and trying to get the hang of text messaging.

I've been doing ok, over all. Well, I've been having quite a few episodes of syncope, which are very annoying (and a little scary to watch, so I've been told) but I'm mostly ok. We got the house a little cleaner, did about 8 loads of laundry (made Rykujin haul the clothes around, he dumps the dry, clean clothes on the bed and I sort and fold)

More later... Hugs and love

Tuesday, June 08, 2010


Well, today was Tuesday, so it's therapy day. Rykujin and I also went grocery shopping. I'm emotionally and physically pooped. Walked all across campus and then from the bus stop to the Giant grocery store and all over the store. My back is unhappy with me. I would have thought I'd have more trouble with my knee, but no, it's my back. *sigh*

Today's therapy discussion revolved around me viewing the world as objects and not as subjects. It stemmed from being told I came across as shy. I never thought of myself as shy, but I can see it if I step back and look. I stay quiet, observing things and don't really put myself into the situation. Once again the topic came around that I keep people at arm's length and don't really open up unless forced to do so. Heh. Give me the camera and let me document the activity while I hide behind the lens. I keep the calm, almost bland, exterior while I'm really dissembling and fighting back a flood that I don't want anyone to see, regardless of what that flood of emotion is.

We talked about my issue with my old friend and my reaction to the whole situation. My worst fear is that my thought that I'm the worst friend in the world will be confirmed. Which is asinine, else why would she try contacting me in the first place? So just before I started this entry I sent her a short message on Facebook.

The humor for the day come from the gentleman shouting at the Gates of Old Main about Jesus and how he came back for my sins, to which I replied 'Look out! Zombie Jesus!!" loud enough for the people around me (and him) to hear. I don't think I made a friend with him. He started talking about Nero and falling of empires...

On the other hand, I got reacquainted with Greg while sitting on The Wall waiting for the M bus. Greg is one of those people who just walk up to you and stick their hand out and introduces themselves to you. He's introduced himself to me numerous times. Then he usually takes my birkenstocks off and checks out my toes. Greg makes me *very* uncomfortable. He doesn't have the personal space of a normal person. Today he looked me up and down and mostly down. I could see him looking at my Keen-clad feet wanting to take my shoes off, but he restrained himself this time. Thankfully. =)

Tonight I made bruschetta al la Choperena. It seemed to be a hit with housemates. I know I really liked it. I didn't get the bread quite crunchy like it was when she made it, but for the first time, I'm just glad the tomato/basil/vinegar concoction turned out well.

I've started hanging out on Facebook and gmail chat. KlrWombat told me about the Adium client. It seems pretty robust on my mac. I'm trying to put myself out there more. =)

well, that's about it for today.
Hugs and love

Monday, June 07, 2010

Splice and various mundane things

I got to see Splice last night with KlrWombat. It was a good movie. Not great, but I'd watch it again, though probably not in a theater. The spliced chimera was compelling though some of it's 'surprise powers' were a little over the top. I thought the dynamics where the two main scientists swapped their attitudes towards the chimera was interesting. The final outcome was a little predictable though; "Frankenstein must kill his/her monster." Visually it was pretty. I give it 3 out of 5 stars.

KlrWombat gave me an invite to Google Voice. (msg me if you want an invite =) I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to do with it, at the moment, but I'll figure it out.

My Big Bro confirmed my pre-registration to Pennsic for this year. Now I just have to figure out how I'm getting there and back. That's going to be the hard part. That and having money to eat. I'll play it all by ear.

Not much else going on with me.
hugs and love

So I have an old friend (ok, truth be told, she was my BEST friend for a number of years when I was in elementary and jr high school) who's found me on facebook. I've friended her and she's called a number of times and it's always gone through to voicemail. I've not called her back... I miss her butI've got this baggage about talking to her... =(

I wasn't there for her back around '93 when she had some shit going down in her life then. I can still remember finding out about the problems she was having and feeling powerless to do anything to help. I think in retrospect there *were* a number of things I could have done and I've felt guilty for years now.

The last time she found me was when Demented and I were in the throes of falling apart. We were in touch briefly and then I lost her number, my phone was disconnected and, well, everything that happened, happened. So...That overshadows me too. It sounds so stupid, but the thought of talking to her terrifies me and right now, just thinking about it, I want to cry. I feel so torn. Some "friend" I am...

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Pandora pandamonium

I've just discovered the joys of Pandora Radio. I'm slow on the uptake. I know a number of people who've been using it for quite a while, I just never got around to setting it up for myself. I have to admit, I was a little disturbed that it just automagically added artists based off my Facebook page. Well, I guess I shouldn't be. I mean, that's why I added all the bands that I did, so that people could see what I listened to. Pandora just took it one step farther and made playlists for me. *shrug* I've already come across a couple more bands that I like but didn't know about.

So I'm sitting on the couch listening to VNV Nation et al through my headphones while I stream Code Monkeys to Rykujin's Xbox so he can watch it while he plays WoW. I had one of those moments in time where everything crystalizes for just a brief second. All the technology around me... It's amazing. I can remember not that long ago where I would sit in front of the stereo dubbing a vinyl record onto a cassette tape. Now my laptop is the media center. I dub VHS movies into AVI files, multitask media streams and stay connected over a gossamer threads, some of which are just nebulous clouds in the atmosphere around us.

If my father hadn't been a broken man who died from alcoholism in 1981, I think he would be enthralled by the wheels of progress. My dad was trained to be a surveyor. I think it stemmed from his love of locomotives. I have fond memories of baloney and cheese sandwiches at the old train station in Tyrone, watching the diesel locomotives go by. I must have been around 4. Dad and I both would pump our arms in the air as they went past so that the conductor would blast the horn. I also remember listening to the Beatles in headphones off of 8-track tapes (at home, not in Tyrone =) Anyhow, I think his curiosity would have carried over into the 21st century. I think he would have been just as keen to use a Torx bit to open old hard drives and play with the drive head magnets like I do. He probably would have relished the idea of wiring a house with Cat6 and would have secretly wished it was fiber. He would have had a computer set up so that he had THX quality movies and he would have loved playing Guitar Hero and Rockband.

What few memories I have are split between his being sober and his being drunk. This is all extrapolation of a man I barely knew, but I think, divested of the alcohol, he would have been a pretty cool guy.

It's interesting, as an adult, I can recognize the hurt and anger I have that he chose the bottle over me (boiled down to it's simplest components) but there's also pity. It's pity for the little girl who didn't get the chance to know her father, but more so (now, at least) for the man who was haunted by demons so pervasive that a slow death was the better option.

I'm not sure what precipitated the pang of mild melancholy over my dad and technology, but there it is.
Over all I'm doing well. I got to go out yesterday evening with Choperena and friends to the new Rey Azteca restaurant. It was packed! I did really well, I surprised myself- no freakout moments =). There were two paintings on either side of a doorway that were 'the same' except they weren't. While standing in line to check out, we started looking for all the differences. It was like an adult version of the Highlights 'Spot the difference' puzzle. I will definitely go back. I figure if Choperena gives it the thumbs up, it can't be that bad. Personally, I thought their salsa rocked.

Not much else going on in my life. Rykujin was sick earlier today. I watered the plants. Knit more on the hat I'm making for a friend (thought it was going to be a cowl at first, but it turns out I have enough yarn to make a full hat. woot). I'm a little worried about my friend who lives above me. She's out of town for the weekend, so I'm waiting till she gets back to find out what all is going on with her and the kids. You know things are not going well when you post NIN lyrics as your status on Facebook... Sending all the good mojo I've got her way. =(

hugs and love. more later

Monday, May 31, 2010

Adventures in Bunny-Sitting

Thursday we had to take JR to the Urgent Care clinic in the Emergency Room for some non-life-threatening issues. I sat in the waiting area knitting. One of the volunteers, a tiny, thin older woman, stopped by and asked what I was doing. She went on to thank me for keeping old traditions alive, that it was a dying art. It kinda made my day.

I don't always think about my arts and crafts as 'keeping traditions alive' but if I step back and take a look at the over all picture, I can see it. Spinning, paper making, knitting, glass and metal working, soap making... They are skills that various people in my life also know. Cephalogal, NanoNukie, Choperena, even my mom and her crocheting... They're in the forefront of my brain, so it seems so normal. Its only when I'm in a doctor's waiting room and I'm drop spinning, or as in this case, knitting, that I remember it's something that not everyone knows how to do. I can remember driving my mom to doctor's appointments down in Hershey and taking knitting with me (2002-3). All the nurses always wanted to see what I was doing that week. Knitting has always been ubiquitous in my life, even if I was not the one doing it. In retrospect, I wish I still had some of the sweaters that Gram-ma made me. =)
This weekend I bunny-sat for Cephalogal and got to hang out with Choperena and some of her friends to play D&D. I had a GREAT weekend!!

Saturday, Choperena picked me up from Cephalogal's and we went back to her place. The (people known as their D&D names =) DM and Choperena made some *amazing* bruschetta that FrogMouth and Tobias and I ate. Over all the game was pretty good. There's a lot that I don't remember, so they were actually really patient with me even though I had to keep asking which die I need to roll for this. I had SO MUCH FUN. I last played D&D sometime around '87 or '88 and played Spycraft for a while back in early '07. Hopefully I'll be invited back to continue the campaign.

The rest of the weekend I spent spinning and watching TV. I burned myself out on 'Law & Order, Special Victims Unit' so then I started watching movies on SyFy (siffy =). I watched an absolutely HORRIBLE movie called MegaPiranha and another one called 'Supergator'. They both left a lot to be desired. I laughed out loud numerous times during MegaPiranha.

Today I started watching a show called 'Hoarders'. It scared the crap out of me. Some of the people they show... Wow. I look around my house and see small indicators of my own hoarding issues. Apparently there's a Psychological Scale of levels 1 - 5. I'm guessing I'm a 1 maaaaaaybe a 2, but the people on the show had problems that went off the chart, I swear... one woman hoarded cats (they started out alive, but there were numerous dead cats scattered among her offal. She had something like 72 cats total, of which 35-ish were alive. Another woman hoarded food. Her house was filled with bags of rotten vegetables and fruits. It goes on and on. One woman was essentially disowned by her own daughter because she refused to see that spending time with her family was more important than collecting/buying anything and everything she could get her hands on. Griffin and I talked about how, as 'crafty people' we are wont to collect a myriad of tools and materials for our projects. The difference with us is that we actually use the things we collect. I took some solace in that. =)

Well, that's the general gist of life. I had a good, relaxing weekend, not too many aches to gripe about so hugs and love till next time =)

Friday, May 28, 2010

Mom's cats...

I talked a little with my Mom last night via email. She had to put one of her cats down. Max wasn't eating and couldn't use his back legs. =( He had been sick like this off and on for a while and he was just in pain. He was 13. I remember Mom picking him out from the local PAWS shelter... Miss Cleo, another of her cats, is starting to act the same way. Mom's taking it one day at a time... Miss Cleo is 14. She was also a PAWS kitty. I had just moved out of her place and took my kitty Chaucer with me. Mom was lonely so she went to PAWS and found Cleo. She had been outside during the winter and had frostbite on her ears, so they had to amputate (?) most of her ears off. She was about 6mo - 1yr old at the time and no one wanted her. Except my Mom. =-}

It makes me sad to know my Mom is losing her kittiebabies. It makes me wonder about Chaucer... My mom had brought him home from Rockview at about 4 weeks. He was my big, fuzzy, drooling maine coon look-alike. Demented kept him after the divorce. Part of me is mad I didn't get to keep him, but the other part has already mourned his passing. He's not in my life and hasn't been for 5 years. Hard to believe it's been that long.

*sigh* and today Gary Coleman died.
On the happier side of things, I'm going to be bunny-sitting for Cephalogal for the weekend and tomorrow, I get to play D&D with Choperena and friends. I won't have email for the next couple of days, but will have my phone if you have to get ahold of me.

hugs and love

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sedate weekend

I went out Friday night for a little while with a friend I've known since junior high. I had a really good time. We hung out and talked about like D&D, his iTouch and random things. CE has a wonderful, infectious laugh.

Other than that, I've been knitting and watching House. I'm almost caught up with the current episode. I'm on S06E13. I'm going to have to skip some episodes because they're not up on the Fox website, but that's ok.

Wish I had more exciting things to talk about, but life is a little dull, outside of my House addiction. =) I've started drinking more water. I'm hoping that will help withthe
orthostatic hypotension. It's been a problem for about a week, again. Sjögren's has been a minor issue too, so that's what has tipped me off about more water.

I saw my psychiatrist on Thursday. We've upped my Luvox to 150mg and put Wellbutrin back to 150. I'm officially off of Effexor now. (YAY!!!!!!!) I've also been told to up my vitamin D-3 to 2000IU per day. I have to make an appointment with a nutritionist or dietician for high cholesterol. ugh.

Over all, I'm doing ok. The weather today reminded me of Demented's and my trip to Acadia Maine back in '99. Even back then I wasn't mentally healthy. That was what prompted the trip in the first place. I had a meltdown. I remember how beautiful it was there. The B&B that we stayed at had the coolest bathroom I had ever seen. (it was all tiled and the shower drain was just in the middle of the room.) I still think about him. Hope he's doing well.

anyhow, that's about all I have to report at the moment. Hugs and love.

Monday, May 17, 2010

RIP Ronnie

It was announced today that Ronnie James Dio passed away.

Hold your lighters high and hum Holy Diver for him...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

Today is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. I can remember talking with CK years ago (2000?) and her telling me that she thought I had Fibro. I remember dismissing the idea almost outright. "no, no, it's just stress. I'm fine." or the quintessential, "It's all in my head." The irony is, of course, she was right and diagnosed me 4+ years earlier than the rheumatologist.

I'm fairly stable now, with a small army of pills I take every day. I hate pills with a passion but I can tell when I miss a dose. I've read on some 'holistic' medicine web pages about how Lyrica is just another ploy by Big Pharma to dip into our pockets. I want to tell them to fuck off. Lyrica is the corner stone of my ability to live a normal life. Yes, I'm forced to take Nexium (oh, another Big Pharma greed grabber. pfft) because of the high doses of ibuprofen I take, but they work for me. I know what it's like to live with pain so bad you don't want to get out of bed, but you can't stay in bed because that hurts too and sleep is almost nonexistent. I know what it did to my life, my career and my marriage.

I don't *ever* want to go back to that. So, I keep taking dumb little pills and going to doctors for check ups every 3-6 months. I may not be 'happy' doing it, but I'm glad they're there and can help. Besides, Dr Pro is cute and funny. =)

Interestingly enough, I saw Dr. Lutz on monday to fill out some paperwork for OVR and while I was there, I got blood work done. My vitamin D count is on the 'barely normal' range (normal is around 32-100, I'm at 35 which is still a marked improvement from November of last year where it was 19). My creatine/kinase is still elevated, as is my cholesterol. *sigh*

I also found out Monday that my Pain Management doc (Dr Sady Ribeiro) has just up and left. *poof* I don't know what's going to happen because of this. I'm not sure if Dr Pro is going to take over my Lyrica and cyclobenzaprine scripts or how long Mt. Nittany Medical (and hence, me) will be without a pain doc.

Other things going on... CE stopped by to give me back a bracelet and my MST3K disks. I hadn't seen him for ages. It was really good to see him. I hope to see more of him. I finished the second Freya Shawl. I'm going to block it today and should have photos later tonight, and I'm totally addicted to House MD now. I think I have a crush on House. *shakes head* so silly...

hugs and love

Saturday, May 08, 2010

The x+1 year plan

I'm not sure what X is, but it's at least one year =)

The plan is as such:
I stay here in Boalsburg for another year, while saving up some money. Rykujin will save up some money and he and 'Kathy' will move to Lewistown around September.

I'm going to spend the next year getting my ducks in a row. I want to pare down all the stuff that I have. I don't know how well this is going to work, but I hope to have a much more spartan apartment. *sigh* who am I kidding? I am a perpetual packrat. It must be the craft addiction, I swear!! =)

Anyhow, more later.

Friday, May 07, 2010

The Delima

CK was in town and I was able to spend some time with her. The Big Topic Of Discussion was Pittsburgh and my potential to move there. The same discussion we had last year about this time.

My lease is up for renewal. I actually don't know if it's too late to make the decision not to renew it. They want 60 days and my lease is up June 30th, so I'm kinda pushing that window. I won't be able to get an answer till Monday, regardless.

I've had long talks with Rykujin and we've now talked to 'Kathy' about it too. ('Kathy' is the name I'll use for the girl who's staying here with us at the moment... Thanks CK =) So the entire household is now upset, not sure what's going on or what will happen. 'Kathy' doesn't want to go home, she's going to try and find a job and her and Rykujin will look for a place together.

I need to seriously weigh the pros and cons of moving to The Burgh. When I talk to CK, I'm excited about the prospect (and scared shitless, too...) and excited to maybe take my life in a whole new direction.

Then I come down off that thrill and I freak about how I'm going to pare my junk down enough to live in a much smaller place (and the cats, at LEAST Havoc, have to come too) the logistics of actually moving my junk, paying security deposit, finding new doctors and settling in. The logistics overwhelm me.

A good point has been brought up: Am I considering moving simply to move? My baggage is going to stay with me regardless of where I'm at.

I think about losing the Crafty Bitches and my Spinning Guild. That weighs on me a lot.

I worry about 'Kathy' and Rykujin being able to find a place in that short of time. He knows that I'm going to be living by myself one way or another. It's just if I don't go to Pittsburgh, he has longer to look.

I'm all over the place with this posting. Sorry about that. I feel really scattered, afraid and confused. I know it's at least that bad for Rykujin and 'Kathy' too. Ultimately I have to be the one who makes that decision, but it's going to affect more than just me...

glah. This "ultimatum" has been a long time coming but now that it's out there, I feel like a deer in headlights...

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Of spinning and winding

I've bleached and dyed my hair again. It's kinda hard to tell with this lighting, but it's fuschia with cobalt blue ends. It's also disturbingly wavy today for some reason. I was originally going to go blond with just cobalt ends, but I really look funky blond. I suppose that I look rather funky with pink and blue hair as well, but blond just wigs me out for some reason.

I got a huge surprise from the Crafty Bitches yesterday. They went in together and bought me a pound of bat to spin!! There's a 1/2lb of a spring vegetable green, shot through with bright yellow-green and blueish teal. The other 1/2lb is a BBQ chip orange shot through with a plum purple. They are awesome (both the wool for spinning as well as the Crafty Bitches! =)

Yesterday was our monthly meeting of Spinner's Guild. I had a lovely time. It was so beautiful outside on the deck. We were then treated to goat and sheep cheeses from all over the world. There was a delicious bunt cake with fresh strawberries. nom-nom-nom! I bent the ear of S.R. for who knows how long. She has a friend who's life eerily mirrors my own. I told everyone about my plans to go back to school this fall.

C&J are in town today and tomorrow because J's aunt passed away. I'm hoping to see them tomorrow. We have tentative plans for me to go to Pittsburgh for the week after Pennsic. I'm pretty excited about that prospect. One last "hurrah!" before school consumes me =)

Copal (formerly known as "Amber" =) allowed us to borrow the car today to go to Wal-fart. We needed TP and cat food and Rykujin needed to get a prescription filled. I put gas in the car and it felt **really** good to be driving. Wandering around from one corner of Wal-fart to the other really tired me out, I have to admit. My lower back is less than pleased with me.

Oh, and my finger is still all gross. I forgot to pick up liquid skin. Oh well.

Anyhow, tonight I'm spending time winding balls of yarn. I had spun and set about 2 dozen skeins and it's time to do something with them. THOUGH, I am in the process of knitting another Freya Shawl, though this one is for Mom.

Welp, that's about it for now. I'll blog more later. Maybe with more interesting stuff.

Hugs and Love

Sunday, May 02, 2010

a lazy Sunday

Not a lot going on today. I've spent it reading (Stephanie Plum novels), knitting, and reading Ravelry.

Someone posted this link today and I thought I was going to die from the cuteness!!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Hideous driver's license photo

Well, I went today to actually get the new photo ID. It took about an hour because the laminator was borked. Ugh. the photo is horrendous. I've (literally) put on over 100lbs in the past 4 years since the previous one. *sigh* I swear they have some sort of software that makes you look even uglier than you really are. (At least I like to think I don't look nearly that bad!! =)

I've started another Freya Shawl out of pale blue, lace weight wool. It's going pretty well.

Other than that, I've got an email in to a professor I know in IST to see if I can talk with him for a little bit. I want to know what sort of other jobs I could potentially do outside of Systems Administration, things that use what I know, but aren't going to stress me mentally and physically. Once again I get to do psychological profiling for OVR, that's not been set up yet...

urm. That's about it. There's not a lot going on.

hugs and love

[NOTE: this was drafted somewhere in March 2013?]

Thursday, April 22, 2010

My Freya shawl!!

It's laying on my bed at the moment, being blocked. I can't believe I actually made it! It turned out much better than I had expected. I had a number of false starts with it before I realized I was knitting all wrong. I had been wrapping my stitches the wrong direction, making the whole thing look wacky, as well as doing SSK's all wrong. Duh! Once I got that taken care of, it wasn't hard at all. Counting stitches was the hardest part. I messed up a couple times, but I think I fudged it acceptably.

I think I'm ready to start reading charts now. That's my next learning experience to tackle.

This is before blocking:

It really stretched out and I realize now how imperative blocking is. Blocking is the process by which you convince the yarn to take a different shape. It turned out much MUCH larger. I'm glad I ran out of yarn and wasn't able to complete the pattern (I ended on row 84 out of 117). This is after blocking. Sorry there's no cat for measurement purposes =)
I have some pretty, dark pine green wool/silk KnitPicks yarn that I want to make into a shawl for my mom. I don't know if I want to do the same pattern or a different one. I have 2 pairs of socks to finish first, however.

*does her little happy dance* I did it! I did it! =) lol

cleaning for the new table!

This is just a short update.

Last night I found a really nice kitchen table out by the dumpster. I was so excited! My existing table was just the top of one resting on two sawhorses. So Rykujin and I finagled the table into the apartment. Today's task was cleaning off the old table, running the sweeper, and putting the new table in place and getting rid of the old one. It looks so much better and there's actually more room because the sawhorses aren't taking up such a large chunk of space.

I have a table I can play dominoes on! Woot!!

I also talked to PSU Financial Aid. I will get my official Award Letter sometime in June. I was able to find out that I qualify for the full amount of the Pell Grant, and I will get enough in Stafford loans to cover the cost of school. There might be other grants I qualify for, but I won't know until I get the Award Letter. I am looking into other government grants for people on SSDi too.

Doing Adult Things today and tomorrow. Did bills. I'm caught up on my MAWD and rent, monies set aside for WoW/FFxi/phone (they get taken out automagically) and paid on the internet and electric. Tomorrow I go to the Driver's License center to get my license renewed, wal-fart for prescriptions and hopefully the post office to mail out the yarn barf back to it's owner...

Other than that, it's been a sedate day. Rykujin wrestled with the little boys from upstairs for a while today. They had a blast playing in the grass with Rykujin doing hip tosses and random wrestling moves that I don't know the name of.

I don't promise to update daily, but I'm going to update more than every 2 months. That I do promise. =)

hugs and love

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I didn't realize that it's been so long since my last update. I'm a slacker.

  • Let's see. I turned 36 last month. I'm now officially closer to 40 than 30. I feel a little old.
  • I've been sick off and on for the last month and a half
  • My psychiatrist retired and I have a new woman as my psych
  • She's taking a different approach to my meds: I've gone on Luvox and we're discontinuing my Effexor. I've gone from Major Depression with psychotic features/anxiety/BPD to all that and OCD too. (I have some bad habits like chewing my lip/finger, picking at my feet, collecting slivers of soap [really! I'm going to make homemade soap with all the slivers, honest!] and picking crafts-du-jour and obsessing over them till I run out of steam)
  • I started a lace shawl
  • I read 11 Janet Evanovich novels about bounty hunter Stephanie Plum
  • A friend Rykujin met on WoW has come to stay with us
and the big one that started today....

My meeting with my psychologist revolved around my hands and just what my ability to sit and pound on a keyboard for 8 hours is. The short answer is, "I don't know." From there it evolved into me being in a rut and what causes me to stay in it. Fear of success, fear of failure and... being enabled by Rykujin. I think I've reached the same point in my relationship with him that I had come to with Demented, where I end up relying too much on them. It's something that we're going to be talking about next week.

This evening, Rykujin heard some of my phone conversation with Ralph. Rykujin now knows that my intent is to live alone. It's all a matter of timeline now. It wasn't an easy conversation. I know it's not over yet, either.

I feel bad because I know it's going to affect his schooling and I don't want him to stop. I don't know what's going to happen. I know I've put Rykujin ahead of my own wants/needs because I want him to succeed. It's a cycle I've had since I was little, out of necessity first, then as a habit. I want to furnish others with the things they want and ignore myself. That has to stop.

Once upon a time I wanted to own a bead store, then that vaporized. Now, I don't know what I want. I've been afraid to want anything, honestly. If I don't have dreams or aspirations, then when they don't come to fruition I'm not devastated. Seems simple enough. The problem is without drive, there's no success. I can't drive other's success without doing so for myself first. The whole 'you have to affix the airplane oxygen mask to yourself before helping those around you'.

Most of this seems like common sense, but it's been really hard to admit it to myself and out loud for some reason. Why am I telling you, gentle reader, any of this? I guess because it's a sort of catharsis for me and it gives you some insight into my life and who I am at the moment. I'm guessing you read to 1) make sure I'm still around and 2) because you might just be bored and are a voyeur into other people's lives... =-)

*hugs* to you all

Saturday, February 20, 2010

out and about

Thursday Choperena kidnapped me and took me to The Knitter's Underground. I wish their web site reflected what a really kick-ass store it is. I bought an Anne Grout spindle. It's quite pretty. I got some really good advice and information about how I knit and what to do with some lovely purple mohair yarn I had. They pointed out that it's the yarn I'm trying to show off, not the knitting pattern. Something as simple as garter stitch on large needles makes it look lacy, but not busy. Over all it was a success.

Thursday night I went to the local SCA meeting and hung out for a while, spinning more. Aurora had some luscious sparkly spring green yarn she had spun with her. mmmm =)

I also got the amazing news that Mrs. Ralph had her baby girl!! Just under 20" and a bit more than 7 lbs. She looks so sweet. Ralph called to talk to me and I could hear her hiccuping in the background. teeny tiny hiccups!

My KnitPicks needles arrived today, so now I have my shrug on a 47" circular needle. It's much easier to work with now. The points are super. I never realized how clunky my Boyle circulars were till these new needles arrived.

Today, over all, has been a cleaning day. I'm bushed and my back hurts, but the apartment looks better. Now to just start throwing stuff out... so much junk =)

hugs and love

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

looks like I have to nix plans for summer and start in the fall

I contacted PSU's Financial Aid Office today to get clarification about that Pennsylvania State Summer Grant listing I saw. I was told I missed the deadline for grants for this summer since the cut off was May 1 of last year. =( The link for the PSSG is still ambiguous to me since it said check back in March, but the woman I talked to said it was the same thing as the standard PHEAA grant application for 09-10 (and hence, still too late).

I won't be able to start till fall.

I feel like a dolt for thinking I was going to be able to start this summer. Now, after I told everyone I was going to start this summer, I'm not. I don't mean to be a big fat liar. May of last year I wasn't even seriously thinking about starting school, just sort of mulling it over...

glah. This sucks huge hairy moose balls.

Monday, February 15, 2010

fall or summer??

I'm in a bit of a quandary. I found out that I applied too late for the 09-10 PHEAA grant. Without the grant, I won't have enough money to pay for summer classes. There was a link for "Pennsylvania Summer State Grant." but it says to revisit the site in March. I don't know if this is separate grant that I could use for this summer or not. My advisor is out of the office today, but I left her a message asking about what I can do and to please call me back. *sigh*

just when I think I have all my ducks lined up in a row, someone picks one off with a BB gun.

The net effect is I may have to put off school till the fall when I get all my grants and loans approved. I don't want to do this. It feels like it's never going to happen. Summer seems so far off, and fall seems even farther away to me. I know my therapist is going to have a field day picking me apart over this.

"Do you think you're just procrastinating?" NO, I can't do it if I don't have the bloody funds.

"Well, how do you feel about it?" Sick. I had made plans and now they're in limbo. There's some vague chance I still might be able to go in the summer, but that seems a long shot. I'm most likely going to have to start in the fall and I feel like a failure because I can't start when I had planned.

"Tell me more about feeling like a failure. I think that's an interesting assessment of yourself."


[head, desk, thunk]


I'm doing mostly ok. I've been sick this past week, really run down and achy. I missed a couple doses of ibuprofen and I noticed it. AR took me to wallyworld today so I was able to pick up my prescriptions. yay.

I got tired of my hair looking like raspberry blue cotton candy, so I dyed it purple. I figured the Dragulator was giving me subliminal messages. At the moment, I look like a purple Gilda Radner, that's how wavy and frizzy my hair is...

I've been keeping myself busy when I'm not sleeping by spinning (both on the wheel and drop spindle), beading a little, and knitting. I've started knitting a shrug for myself. I've got a pair of socks in the works, but I get bored knitting them sometimes. I don't do any one thing for more than a 1/2 hour, generally, bouncing from project to project...

anyhow, I owe phone calls to a number of you. Sorry about that. I'll call soon

hugs and love

Saturday, February 13, 2010

RuPaul's Dragulator

So the knitting site where I lurk (mostly), LSG, had this as a link. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to see what I'd look like as a drag queen. I totally recommend giving it 5 minutes of your time. It's hysterical. I give to you RuPaul's Dragulator: