Wednesday, January 07, 2009

A strange sensation

I don't know why it seems so odd. Being alone, that is. It's somewhere between feeling cut off from humanit and exhilarating in that I could do ANYTHING I wanted. I could run around the apartment in skivvies and a towel shouting 'I AM BATMAN' and no one would look twice. Of course, if I DID run around like that my sanity just might be in question. lol.

I look around the apartment and see hundreds of things that I COULD do, things I SHOULD do, and then the things that I WILL do (like make phone calls, Ralph =) . 

While I was growing up, many of you already know that my mom worked night shift as a nurse at the local state penitentiary. From 9pm till 6am, I was by myself from age 12 till I left home at 18. While I was convinced that occasionally the boogie man wandered around the house, I knew that to be ludicrous and generally didn't think much of it. Sure, sometimes I would be up till 1 am, but I was a good kid and usually hit the hay around 10 or 11. 8 hours 5 times a week I was alone. It was 'normal', you know?

Fast forward 16 years or so and suddenly it feels very strange during the day. I feel like I might be going through some sort of 'contact' withdrawal. Even now, I'm blogging and therefor trying to make contact, because I just need to. I don't know how to explain this sensation. Checking mail every 5 minutes, realizing there's no more web pages that I would normally check (already checked my facebook page like 9 times since I got up...) What in the world is wrong with me? It has to be that withdrawal thing. At home I'm pretty quiet most of the time (ok, excecpt if I'm in some chemically altered state but we won't go into that =) but there was still a person here to hear me out if I had some weird idea in my head or if I wanted an instant opinion on something. Now, I'm left to my own devices. Well, ok, my laptop, my phone, and my cats....

The one thing I noticed last night was it was *quiet*. Not that 'low burbling' that you hear from TVs on the other side of a closed door, but silence. Only the sound of my own blood coursing through my ears. I had not realized just how long it's been since I've heard silence. My gods, it was almost bliss! There was no fear of burglars, no goosebumps as I walked to bed, just golden silence. 

well, the cat on my lap is emitting sleep waves as she dozes across my right arm (makes typing hard)
 *hugs* to all
d

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

rykujin update

Well, Rykujin was able to get a bed in the hospital today. It took about 2 hours for the intake. I helped him write down 4 things that he needs to address while he's there:
  1. obtain a diagnosis
  2. medication adjustment (and compliance)
  3. work with a social worker on housing
  4. examine his relationships with everyone and how they go wrong and end

We are not 'dating', we are friends. He had come to that conclusion on his own. We were living in an apartment together, but existing separately. More like house mates. I don't know exactly where any of this is going to go, but it's a step in the right direction for both of us. He's in the right place to get the support he needs. He's also thinking about doing out-patient hospitalization though Counsel House. It would be good for him in a couple of different ways. He would get on a schedule that's more 'Human' and less 'Vampire', get him out of the house and socializing with others, and those others will give him feed back on his being.

well, it's a new year and here's a new start!

Monday, January 05, 2009

one of those nights

I don't know if I can keep my head straight or not. There's a lot that's gone on since I last typed and while it all seems somewhat small, it's added up to something large over time. 

I saw Ralph on Saturday, but had to cut our visit (and my omelet) short, sadly. Metalmaniac and his mom had their own small crisis. CJ is fine, thankfully, but it led to a spat with Rykujin over my spending time with Metalmaniac. After reassuring him there was nothing going on other than a shared concern over CJ and a shared language of music, things seemed to be mostly ok. I did have to explain the reason why he doesn't get as many invites to things as I did was because not everyone appreciates (or can deal with) his personality. I don't know why people like to hang out with me, in all honestly, but I do know his ADLs and overbearing demeanor sometimes puts people off. He was upset (hey, who DOES like to have their faults brought out into the open?) but accepted it better than I hoped.

I thought that was the end of it. 

Last night seemed to be going ok. Honestly, Rykujin slept almost all day. I talked with Metalmaniac for a while on line, watching music videos off of YouTube. Once Rykujin got up, I ceded the computer to him and futzed around for a while. Bored, I asked if he would be upset if I went over and watched movies and listened to music with Metalmaniac (who has today off). He said it was ok, but I still had the tiniest of doubt. 

Well, a while later CJ (who had been sleeping) comes into the den with Rykujin on her heels, apparently trying to catch us in some imaginary act. Whatever he thought, Metalmaniac and I were on different chairs in different parts of the room. *sigh* Yes, guilty of listening to music at a late hour.  He was freaked because he tried to call, lights were off, etc. The phone sat 3 feet away from me and a good foot away from Metalmaniac. I don't know what to say other than I never saw it light up...

The first message on the phone is... I don't know. Crazy? It's F this and F that and F you.... on and on. It was really freaky. REALLY freaky. The other was to apologize. The vehemence in the first one though... It's been a couple years since I heard something like that. I didn't like it then and I certainly don't care for it now.

You know, If there was merit to the reason, if I had deserved it, I might be able to excuse it. However, it was shades of a-not-quite-right-Demented all over again.

Freaked?
yes.

Pissed?
Hell yes.
Hell yes, indeed.

Aside from trying to insinuate a lot of stuff that had no grounds in fact and being guuily of some sort of misplaced imagination, the question of my integreirty....

more later