Thursday, December 11, 2008

less than good day

I don't even know what to say. CJ is still with us. She's not well. She had congestive heart failure earlier today and is back in the hospital. CHF is not a good thing. No, that's not right... In the scheme of things, it's pretty bad. Prognosis for it is not good. I am worried. MetalManiac isn't doing well, and I understand.

I'm just in a stupor, trying not to think about the next 5 - 10 years. 

Went with Q to his Dr. visit and had my list of things he needed to talk to her about. He's supposed to lose 20lbs by January 20th. We'll see how things go. 

I see PainDoc tomorrow morning. I think we're going to talk about a cortisone epidural again. If I stand for longer than 10 minutes, my left thigh goes numb.  If I don't sit down and stay off it for a couple hours, it gives out. Then I have no other option than to stay off it.

At this point, I'm tired of being around hospitals, doctors and anything dealing with medical stuff. It just doesn't seem to stop this year.

My bruised arm still has a goose-egg and it's some shade of green that doesn't match anything. The proverbial 'They' say pain reminds us we're still alive. I can sit and poke my bruise all day just to distract myself from the mental turmoil and pain. Don't worry. I'm not.

**fierce HUG** -d

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Today's song - Eminem's "Mosh" or Stone Sour "Omega", your choice

There's little interesting happening in my life, over all. There's mostly just normal the daily trivial things that most people do. I've been driving CJ and her son MetalManiac around, keeping myself busy with spinning wool, pen & ink work, sewing and embroidery in random amounts and order. Intersperse that with listening to music (back to a Covenant/VNV mood with some random other things added.)

I visited A&G last night. I had a really nice time! I got to meet Lacy, the angora bunny. A. made a 'drafting bracelet" for me. One winds their wool that's ready for spinning on it so that it's neatly 'organized' and yet stays out of the way while drop spinning. It's genius! It looks quite beautiful too. Thank you again A.! Of course, the klutz that I am, I missed a step while leaving last night. I fell and bruised my left forearm, bottom side. There is a nice goose-egg too. *embarrassed look* I'm such a dork at times. =-}

There's a lot I don't write about (I think I've talked most of you about the subject and you've given me good advice I just find hard to implement for some reason...). In the 'long, long ago' I wrote a good deal more about what was going on in my head. I find myself writing more about the facts than about me. Hell, I think there's more a medical history here than a overt mental state history. Sure, a lot can be inferred and gleaned from the blog, but I gloss over the mental part of it, a lot of time.

I've begun to wonder about the 'why'.

I think part of it is the fact (see! more fact...) that knowledge is power and exposing something that raw gives everyone, with good OR bad intentions, insight on how I work. In a way, I feel more raw and naked now than I did back then. I don't know who all reads this. It can be both liberating and frightening to know my words can be interpreted a multitude of ways and used in twice as many ways. A little paranoid perhaps, but as an ex-admin who once helped give a class on personal internet security (*waves to Ducky*), I *know* the kind of trouble ID theft can cause. Most, if not all of you, do too. I love the internet and I also don't quite trust it. It's our baby. Most of us remember the Before Time when we used Card Catalogs in libraries, encyclopedias to look up information, and when you might have only 3 news papers to choose from. Now, the Net is a full grown adolescent who doesn't always make it home for curfew and occasionally tells you 'Fuck off". It's no longer under our control (not that it ever truly was, but the illusion made us feel better). 

Another aspect of why my writing topics may have morphed is I know or suspect some specific people DO read this. I'm either not comfortable with how I'm feeling on various topics related to that person, or I want to talk to them 'at the right time' about the right things and worry that things I write can be misconstrued without interaction and inflection setting the tone. We all have probably had instances where email was read completely wrong by someone else. It's a rather uncomfortable feeling.

That second one is a biggie. I don't like the fact that I've begun to self-censor, but that's how it is, how the posts grow. Mostly it was an interesting trend I hadn't realized until recently.

well, everyone have a happy rainy Wednesday (or as happy of a Wednesday as you can...