Saturday, November 29, 2008

A relatively nice day. It was about 40 degrees. I got to go with her son and rykujin to see CJ. She had a small setback today during her physical therapy. She had chest pains part way through her walk. Aside from being very tired and still requiring her O2, I've not seen her look this healthy (pink faced) in months. I realize that like all events of some greater magnitude, (or the frog in the slowly heating water), we often can see indicators before the denouement occures, but at such a late point in time. 

Although, sometimes you DO see the train headlight bearing down on you and know that Bad Shit is coming... 

I'm not sure what I want to do. I'm so very tempted to move to Pittsburgh next year. I got a chance to catch up for a little bit with C&J. It felt so... comfortable. I always wind myself up before I see people. I get all this anxiety that I'm going to be an idiot, say something wrong. It almost always completely wrong. *sigh* I'm a wacko, but 'meh' anyway.

I'm starting to entertain theatrical costuming as a college direction (with at least one language, maybe 2). Just sorta popped into my head. I need to talk to Joy. lol. The other things that still float around in my head are video processing (video graphics), photography/photo journalisim, some path leading toward radio DJ.... I wish I had a better head for mathmatics. I secretly wanted to be a botanist when I was a little kid. I can still remember riding in the car by the Philipsburg Library telling my mom this. Botanist, I could study fungus and how it relates to human skin and immune system. 

I wonder at times if my feet fungus is part of the systemic problem. As long as I take Lamisil the pill fairly regualrly, I feel better after a while. It's just when I go off it that I start feeling achier. Though I should look through journal entries and see if daily events and weather play into it too (because I know rain and snow nuke my knee and shoulders.)

ok. enough babbling. hugs and love to you all

Thursday, November 27, 2008

feeling 'can do'

Well, aside from the fact that I feel physically exhausted and achy, I had a good day over all. I drove to Danville and brought CJ home from the hospital. She was supposed to go into rehab tonight (we got back in town just about 9pm) but decided to spend one night comfortably in her own bed before going to rehab locally for a week or longer. It was really nice, I think, for her to be able to spend Thanksgiving at home with her SO and son.

I have to admit I was scared to drive all the way to Danville by myself. I was worried I was going to doze off or my attention would wander and I'd wreck. Once on the road, I played the mental game I always used in the past on long trips. Find a 'buddy' and tag along with them until they either went way faster than 65 or got off on some exit. It worked pretty well. No mishaps of any sort. That gave me a bit more confidence. 

Walking though the hospital all by myself was another freaky thing. I bleached and dyed my hair (fuschia and electric purple) yesterday, so obviously I was going to stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone was really nice to me (with the exception of CJ's rather cranky nurse, but CJ assured me she had been pissy all day). One nurse told me her dad would LOVE my hair since bright, electric purple was his favorite color. =-)

CJ and I had a lot of time to talk and it ranged all over the place, from what she first remembered after the surgery (she was missing about 30 hours), her medication list, her son's teeth (long story =) and what I wanted to do about schooling.

I found out something interesting about myself through all this ordeal. When push comes to shove, I can rise up and take charge of a situation. I CAN drive by myself almost 100 miles. I CAN put a dressing on a wound that looks rather icky and painful. I CAN deal with strangers in an elevator. I don't know that I like to do any of them particularly, but I can muster the wherewithal to do them. It's like feeling a glimmer of that indomninable(sp?) spirit of "I can do anything I want." I WANT to go back to school. I don't know how I can deal with a central campus class change at noon with the massive crush of humans, but I can do it if I have to. Somehow.... now, if I can just figure out what it is I want to do, I'll be one big step closer to doing this all. 

It's very hard to stay in that mindset, however. Sometimes I cannot believe I used to do what I did without thinking about it. That I lived the lifestyle I had. It feels like it was a dream that I will never see in actuality again... 

ultimately right now I'm just glad CJ is doing as well as she is.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and can visit with all their loved ones!