Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Not so shy violet...

'not so shy violet' is the color I did my hair today.

It's been almost a month since I last updated here. I didn't realize that so much time has passed. Hell, it's almost August! Where has 2008 gone??

Soon I'll be at Pennsic. It will be my second time going. I'm excited & freaked out all at the same time. It will get me out of State College for a week, but there's tons of people, and I know so few there. I can feel myself starting to get anxious just thinking about the crowds walking through the markets. It's silly, I know. So much to see there, so many beautiful things, so many supplies to pick over (sadly, so little $$$ to spend =-) and so much good food to eat. I can identify somewhat where the anxiety comes from. I think I'm afraid to be lost, alone in a crowd of people. I'm also afraid of looking like an idiot. 

Both my psychologist and psychiatrist are telling me that I need to not be so down/hard on myself. Everything is not my fault (sure, probably some things, and sometimes it takes 2+ people to make some messes, but not *everything*) contrary to how I feel most of the time. Everyone around me is allowed to bend rules when needed, but I'm not.... I must do everything perfectly, and I never do, therefore I'm a fake. At least, in my head that's how things work. There's so much in here rattling around. It's been a rough couple of weeks, honestly. There's been a lot of 'why aren't I doing XYZ? I can do a better job that what I actually did. I haven't done PDQ, so I'm a lazy, irresponsible person. I'm not doing anything that contributes positively to the economy/humanity/the world.' etc. It's an ugly, ugly mess in here at times. 

While my beads vex me at times (they stare at me and say "ooh! something pretty is in here, but I won't tell you what! neener! neener!" I have a bag of lapis chips that have been especially taunting me.) I have done some work. I took a bracelet I made somewhere around 2002 and charted out how the stitching runs. I then made two of the bands and joined them into a larger cuff bracelet. It turned out pretty cool, I have to admit. I've since done 4 more in different colors. I've also started doing graphic illustrations of how to replicate the stitch. It's slow going (using the tablet and pen is still harder than I thought it would be) and my hope is to eventually have a project I can submit to one of the bead publications. That's a goal I've had for months now (doing instructions in a sketch book I use for other projects involving silver wire). It's one of the things I keep beating myself up over. *sigh* 

All√≥ went to the beach and brought me back some purple and green crackle beads and a large fluorite teardrop that's drilled. I want to do something with it, but it's also not coalescing into a project yet. I think about a macrame hemp necklace, but I'm not sure yet.

Health-wise I'm doing ok. My BP was 120/70 this morning, so that's good. The only bad thing I have to report is I've had an upswing in my 'fuzzy spells' when I stand up too fast or stretch. Unfortunately, an hour or so after I took the above photo today I had an episode... I stood up, stretched, felt ok then about 2 seconds later it hit me. Leaving out the details of what it's like, I fell and whacked my face on the steel shelves here by the computer. I have a bruise on my right eyelid and the area between the eyeball and the brow is a good sized goose egg. Usually I can steady myself, or 'gracefully' plop myself down on the floor or a couch. This one... It's a little scary. I haven't had something like this happen for quite a long time.