Thursday, September 13, 2007

more rough times, but I keep soldiering on...

I've been back and forth from Lewistown lately. I've stayed with a friend, Doug (just a friend, trust me, I'm not his type =), and his kitten, Loki. Things have been messed up for me. I seem to make my own drama. I really need to learn how to be boring again. There have been a couple 'dramas' that I've been contending with.

First and foremost was the release of Jeff S. from the Meadows, who wanted to come stay with me for a while. I called the Meadows and told them to send him to the local shelter, Centre House. I then proceeded to hide. I know. I'm a chicken, but you know what? I have enough crap going on in my life without adding him to it. I've decided to swear off any man named 'Jeff'.

What seems to be the most serious, because it affects my health directly is that my Medical Assistance was terminated 8/31 and still has not been reinstated. This leaves me adrift with everything from Counsel House group therapy, individual therapy, appointments with my neurologist, the Pain Clinic, my PCP, and worst of all my prescriptions. I have been working with my social worker, S.D., to figure out how to manage until it kicks back in. I have had to go to both the Interfaith Mission as well as the local St Vincent De Paul in order to get some of my prescriptions filled.

I feel horrible asking these people for money to pay full price even for the generics. Roughly, I would be spending about $800 (give or take) for all the medications I'm on. These two charities have been more than generous in helping me at least get the most important of the ones I was completely out of at a steep cost of $300, though that is only a 2 week supply of the one med, Effexor XR 150mg x2/in AM, and a full month's supple of Welbutrin (150mg bid) and Sythroid (now up to 88mcg).

I admit, it is my fault. I was unable to make my monthly premium payments the last couple of months, but I was able to pay, in full, this month. I had talked to my PA Dept of Welfare worker, Mrs. R and explained about the moving and cost associated with it and assured her that the check was in the mail for the full amount. She told me that she would keep my MA open. Imagine my shock when I tried to fill two prescriptions (Welbutrin $105/mo and my new increased Synthroid (only abotu $15/mo) and was told that I had no insurance. This was the weekend before Labor Day. The following Tuesday, once everyone was back to work, I called the local office and suddenly, the woman answering the phone had never heard of my case worker, (she was new, but it still freaked me the hell out!!) and transfered me to my new worker, Mrs. P.

Mrs. P. pretty much scared the crap out of me. Having no idea of my case history, she basically gave me the generic speech that I was suspended, if my payment does not arrive by the end of September, I have to start the process for applying for PA Workers with Disabilities all over again. Even IF the payment was received (she made me feel like I was lying about sending it in, which really stung) it would take a couple weeks to process it and there was no guarantee that it would be retroactive. She really hammered that part home too, making me feel that I was a loser milking the system, and that whatever 'disability' I had that lead me to this point was probably just made up and I needed no care. Whatever care I might have been getting was just a drain on the system and the longer I was off, the better. Maybe that's not really what she was thinking, but that's what I felt talking with her. I was taking up her precious time with spurious problems and I should just curl up in a ball and die.

This is the second time I've been mysteriously been given a new DPW case worker without any notification. S.D, my county worker apparently found out that the local PA DPW office just recently lost quite a few people and hired quite a few new people. All I know is every time I get handed off to a new state DPW worker, they seem less and less interested in me as a person and what's happening and more and more like I'm a nuisance generating more paperwork for them.

So, I have not been going to Counsel House for a couple weeks now (because I'm not taking the chance that it won't be retroactive, and I KNOW I cannot pay the bill to go there, or anywhere else for that matter), I've talked with Alissa on the phone only to let her know that I cannot come to our weekly one-on-one sessions, but that I'm alive and have not done any self harm (even if the thoughts have been there), I've lucked out that my Neurologist had to cancel this Friday's appointment, saving me the trouble of doing so. I keep in contact with S.D. almost daily now. It is very reassuring to know that at least someone knows the story as much as I do and has, if not answers, suggestions on what to do next. The next step, if this continues will be to talk to my State Representative. I don't know if that would be Scott Conklin Kerry Benninghoff or Jake Corman, but if I have to, well, I guess I will.

Over all, being off some of my meds for a couple days here and a couple days there, trying to stretch them out is wrecking havoc on me. I have not ached, no HURT, this much in a very long time, mentally, well, I'm just here. I'm afraid to let my place get too messy for fear of it becoming chronic, but beyond that, I'm just a lump who sleeps. I get theses bursts where I want to do things, but then I lose all intrested or it just seems to complicated. I've been selling PS2 games I have (no PS2 to play them on so why not?) just to put gas in my car and some extra oil.

It seems that aside from my A/C not working (freon needs charged? who knows), cruise control that only works on rare occasions, I have a slow oil leak somewhere. I just topped it off (valvolene 10w30). glah.

My mother bitches about how her mother never calls her except for really bad things. I called my mom months ago just to check in because it had been months before that where I had called to check in. You know what? She can eat her own words. I am done always being the peacemaker, the one who gives in and apologizes for being me. I'm waiting to see how long it will be before she decides to call me. "Oh, I thought you were angry with me." is usually what I hear if I break down and call. No, I have not been angry, but you know what? This double standard is going to end now. If you cannot stand to hear how my life is going, then how do you think it felt to have to listen to your life story for 20+ years? I've been more than patient with her. For a Registered Nurse who sufferers with some of the same things I now experience, one might think her to be a little compassionate. Ha. Too long working in the prison system has eroded her bedside manner and more than just a little of her humanity.

Argh. There has to be something good to write about. Well, I know that you're there reading this. You care enough to hear my troubles and still care. StudDragon's postcards always make me smile. I suppose I should end with a gratitude list to at least counter some of my venom. In no particular order:

  • StudDragon's postcards
  • Case's hugs
  • A 1 year old niece
  • kindness and generosity of strangers
  • dandelions (especially when they've gone to fluff!)
  • electricity and internet connectivity
  • phone calls from friends and silly messages on my VoiceMail
  • my cats' random licks
  • Duran Duran, Evans Blue, and VNV Nation
  • beads (didn't think I would leave those off, did you?? =)

hugs and love