Saturday, July 28, 2007

Unpacking continues

I've begun to wonder if it will ever stop. I have piles of empty boxes stacked in some sort of weird Russian nestled matryoshka egg thingy. There is still so much more to go through. Today I went through boxes of papers. I even found pay stubs from when Demented worked at Bonanza. I just cried and cried and cried. They're stacked neatly in 3 boxes marked "BURN". Looking at them hurts.

My budget issue this month has been aided by a generous d[l]oaner.
It's very humbling to ask and even more humbling when a friend is willing to help. I can't impress upon you just how much this means to me.
Thank you, even though it seems so paltry an acknowledgment.

I hope Demented is able to reach out to people. I wonder what he's up to these days. Is he even still in town. Not that I have a clue how I would react if I saw him (other than try to blend into the crowd or hide and hope he doesn't see me... I don't know why some weird sense of fear is still there) But I'm living in the past and I have to leave that time.

Yesterday was busy with appointments at the Pain Clinic with Dr Ribiero (cyclobenzaprine 10mg TID) and to see me again in a couple of months. I then saw Alissa, my psychologist. It was a pretty good meeting. I left feeling better. Always a bonus. Then back home to meet Steve, my Resource Coordinator. Steve is a great guy who listens to me even when I start getting off track. Half&half was set on pestering him while we talked and went over things.

I realize that I still have a lot of people to call and update my address. I at least have the PA DMV taken care of. That's a step in the right direction.

well, off I go to do something other than chase Half&half away from biting my earrings!

hugs and love to you all

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

BIG oops =-(

Well, I balanced my check book when I got home. I'm $270 short for rent, and that doesn't include any of my other bills (health insurance @$177, $28 left to pay for storage, phone will be late next month, etc.)

I just want to kick myself in the ass for all this. I had sat down and did a budget and everything was cool. And I completely blew it. ARGH. Now I'm scrambling to come up with a plan.

On a more positive note, KlrWombat stopped by and took me out to Colyer lake again with Shasta. It was nice to just get away and look at the mountains and lake for a little bit.

*sigh*
when it rains, it pours.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

came home and cried

I don't know. I feel like everything is out of whack. Just..... lonely, I guess.

wet cheeks do not tell
the whole story. So much lost,
never to be found.

Monday, July 23, 2007

weekend from hell and a bad monday too

I spent way over an hour on the phone with Case yesterday and over an hour on the phone with K_ tonight. Just a brief recap of the last couple of days.

Yesterday, Sunday, I stopped over at the old place, got mail, saw that there was another overdraft for Rykujin and internally just sighed. We went to lunch with A_P_ and Rykujin was going to pay for A_P_'s meal, since he owed him (and I thought I would be 'dutch', paying for myself). When the bill came, Rykujin couldn't cover it, So I got stuck with a $35 tab. From there we went to Wal-Mart so I could get baking soda and napkins. Rykujin was going to pick up the new Harry Potter book that he had pre-ordered. Apparently, he lost the pre-order ticket while he was cleaning his room (it was a $2 voucher that he had paid to go towards the book). I apparently sighed and rolled my eyes when I found out, which set him off. He slammed the book down and walked out, leaving A_P_ and I there at the check out. Fine.

We get out of wallyworld and my car alarm is going off and Rykujin has his backpack and is on his way to walk to his job at burger king. I've seen him do this time and time before, so I'm just going with it. I've been moving and sorting and just generally trying to put my life back together for the last week. I'm too tired and sore to deal with it. He sees us and comes over to explain that he set the alarm off getting the backpack. I asked him if he had enough time to get to work by walking (I think I asked if A_P_ might be a better way to get there? memory is fuzzy) Rykujin explains that "I'm tired of being made to feel like dirt" (BAD choice of words to direct at me considering last Thursday. I don't know if he chose those intentionally or not) Apparently when I asked about the pre-order ticket and it was worth $2 off the book, but he was just going to forget about it and pay the full price, I sighed and rolled my eyes.

I lost it at this point. I said something to the effect of 'I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but I'm going to say this anyway.' I pointed out that I had covered his ass for over $300 worth of overdrafts within the past couple months and that at this point, for him, $2 would cover a meal. He said he was sorry and I told him I accepted his apology. I then said that I was sorry too. he said 'ok'. I gave up and started walking away to my car to shut the stupid alarm off, and he's following me saying 'let's talk' and I keep saying 'there's nothing to talk about."

I get to the car and only unlock the driver's side and get in, he's got his arms on top of the car talking down through the sun roof. I tell him that if he needs a ride, he should ask A_P_, I tell him he needs to get his arms off the car because I'm backing out, I am NOT going to sit and discuss this any more. I leave.

I get home, I end up accidentally smashing a glass as I lob the napkins over the counter, I'm fuming while I clean it up and I decide I need to get out of the house and do something. I take a big box, my skinning knife and head over to the field where it's filled with catnip and start hacking tops off to dry for later use. He calls (from burger king) and I just let it go to voice mail. I'm not in any mood to talk to him. Case sends me an aptly timed 'hug' and I txt back, and eventually we just end up talking on the phone. I must have spent about 1.5-2 hours in the field, cutting catnip and talking to Case.

I get back home and eventually A_P_ brings Rykujin over because he was worried that I wasn't returning his call, burger king sent him home early because they were over staffed and maybe we could still do laundry...

I finally agree and it turns into a very long night of sorting, folding, and not getting much else done. I had wanted to re-dye my hair, but I never found my dyes until some god-aweful hour at night. Rykujin eventually goes to sleep and I'm up, unable to sleep, so I take a 400mg Serequil. I go to sleep, but when I try to wake up, I can't. The plan HAD been to get up early, take him and his laundry home before Counsel House. None of this is going to happen. He gets kinda pushy about me taking him home and I'm trying to explain to him that it's physically impossible for me to do this. All I could think of was, " great, put me behind the wheel of a 2400lb weapon that I'm not in my right mind to control. forget killing myself or him, what about some 6yo and her mom that I wreck into. FUCK THAT! I need to sleep. I cannot function.

K_ and S_ show up around noon, and come back to check on me (though apparently Rykujin tried to dissuade them from doing so). I give them a brief recount of what went on, ask for a welbutrin thinking that might help give me a kick in the butt to wake up, and they take Rykujin home. In the end, I never got fully awake till after 7pm. *sigh* a whole day shot in the ass, my back is still killing me, I've missed my appointment with the Psych, and everything is thrown out of whack.

I know at some point K_ and her sweet, cute, charming son stopped over with flowers for me yesterday. That was definitely the high point of my day. Well, that and talking with Case.


This jealous, un-adult behavior is really bringing me down. It's got to stop or it's got to be out of my life. It makes me sad. It's like I'm not allowed to have friends and all waking moments are to be in tune with his schedule. It is going to stop. If it doesn't, I'm going to end up back in the hospital.

I'd cry right now if I wasn't so numb.

too much to post since I'm so tired

However, there is yet another "Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq" that is exceedingly frightening in it's scope. Passed July 17th 2007, this directive essentially gives the government power to seize assets and people who protest the war. We can only hope that the broad interpretation of this Presidential Executive Order will not end up like some Orwellian "1984" attempt at silencing the growing dissidence over the Iraq fiasco, but it does hover above us like some sledgehammer just in case.

I have images from The Siege playing through my head. It's when you look at section 1, subsection B "undermining efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform in Iraq or to provide humanitarian assistance to the Iraqi people;" where it gets questionable. Suddenly it screams "beware of saying you're against the ongoing occupation of a country that has repeatedly said they don't want us there anymore. While our government, who said they would leave when asked, now has completely ignored that request and seemingly now wants to make it questionable, if not illegal (?) to protest here in our own homeland (what happened to Free Speech??) Gods this whole thing makes me angry and more convinced that we're lead by some nefarious group of warmongers looking to line their pockets. ARGH!

I'll post more personal stuff later. I'm tired and my back is killing me from doing laundry. It's not been a great day, honestly. A blow up with Rykujin, a very long discussion with Case (that really did make me feel better =) and trying to still sort out boxes.

Oh and havesting a couple pounds of pure, blooming catnip... That helped get some of my angst out. Now to just get it to dry properly.

I have way too many boxes.'
WAY too many...

Tiny Miss K_ stopped by with her incredibly sweet and well behaved 5 year old. She brought me a bouquet of flowers that are just wonderful! I don't even know what most, if not all, are. Something to look up for my own edification. In the mean time, I see the caring and concern
that the flowers stand for and it makes me...... happy.

Scary thought for me, to be happy, but I'm learning to live with it.

*hugs* and love,
D