Thursday, July 19, 2007

a bad day @ C.H.

It's funny. My phone has truly become my life-line now. I actually get calls and I answer them. I need them. Desperately sometimes.

I'm so worried about A. I hope I get a call from her tonight, or better yet, SOONER! Very very worried, to the point I txt msg'd her and even sent email to her SO. I don't know what I would do if any thing happened to her. She's come to mean so damn much to me. I finally have female FRIENDS again. I'm fiercely protective of them and worry. They have become a core that I can build upon and A is right up there at the top as far as importance to me goes.

Councel House.... god it was so fucked up today. This morning started out ok, but then it descended into the pits of hell. The entire time I've been there, this has NEVER happened. I had to leave the room a number of times because I just lost it. It didn't *quite* get to the point of screaming, but there's one person, O, who, it seems, no matter what we say, it gets twisted into some imaginary scathing attack on her. All hell broke loose. One person, J, who is so rational, easy going, and jovial became so upset that he became so angry that he got up, unloaded both barrels of angst on the 'picked on' (a paraphrase of how she apparently felt, since she said, " You all treat me like dirt!") and then stormed out of the room. I couldn't take the confrontation. I broke down and bawled like a 5 year old watching their parents fight. It affected everyone in the room in one way or another. I had to leave the room myself. I started pulling hair actually in CH, and rocking back and forth.

Now everyone has hurt feelings, and some run deep. I keep thinking about ripping gobs of hair out, finding my 8" razor blades and just 'drawing' on myself with them even now... Bawling the whole time. A.... I don't know. It has been touch and go with her all day, and that hurts because I don't know how to make her feel better at all. There's so much pain and vitriol that came out O today about how we all are essentially pieces of shit and New Jersey is so perfect and now one of my best friends is..... not well....

It was either I curled up and rocked while I cried or Angry Dory was going to come out to deal with things and I don't want that to happen. Angry Dory doesn't always say the right things (especially at the right volume) and sometimes it gets worse than just verbal. (I would likely hurt myself befor anyone else, but I would be screaming at O at the top of my lungs that if she would just FUCKING LISTEN to what we have to say instead of interrupting everyone and turning it back on herself (woe is her. no one has it as bad as her...) We're all just 'toothpick sucking rednecks' (O's words) here, so you know, why even BOTHER TO TRY AND SEE IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S POV? PA is a backward state apparently filled with people who's sole purpose is to fuck her over in some way. no. instead it's the bickering, and bitching and the ripping apart at the seams everyone else.

It hurt so much. Gods I haven't had to deal with something like this is months.... Those of us who drove almost left before lunch because of this. I know I have to work on conflict resolution. I know it's one of the things that I have problems with, but this was simply too much. 'A' doesn't alway like physical contact but all I could do at one point was put my arm around her, my forehead against her shoulder and cry and hold on to her as tight as I could so she wouldn't go away.... so scared.

J came back in. S. was also there they both helped calm me. S. is very good at understanding the dynamics even if he's relativly new. So wise and soothing.

I hope A is ok. I hope I have the strength to not do anything ('self-harm')....
T lives close to me. he stopped over to welcome me to the neighbor hood. He brought me a set of kitchen things, potholders, towel. They're lovely. He is so kind.
more later. I'm simply drained at this point.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

quick post

back's been goofy, but I've made a pretty good dent in trying to move things at least into the right room and labeling things to go through later.

I was late on a payment for my cell, so I JUST now paid it. If you've tried to call over the last 2 days or so, you probably were not able to get through. It was a glitch on my part, sorry about that. Should be better now.

Went out to Colyer (sp?) Lake with KlrWombat and Shasta this evening. It was really nice. Too bad my camera batteries are all dead. Oh well. Next time.

Tomorrow evening will be bill paying day. *sigh* has to get done.

hope everyone is doing well. Over all I'm settling in. Still in awe at how many boxes of books and beads I have. good grief! A little each day is progress.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

it should be a good day

I went to sleep around 8 after a shower (should have taken a bath. do that tonight maybe). Woke up around 10:30. I'm do so-so. I went back to Allen St. to finish cleaning my room and tie up all the loose ends. It never happened. I didn't even bring cats back. Ended up playing a game with Q, A, and R. After 4 hours into the game, I just had to leave. My Back is still killing me, I couldn't get comfortable, all this shit is staring me in the face that I need to get moved and run the vacuum in the room so I can let my old land lord know I'm gone.....

I should be excited but instead very frustrated. very sad. the new place is dark since I don't have any lights. I want to cry. everything just feels so messed up. I have all this stuff that I need to get done and I just feel like crap. =-/