Wednesday, June 13, 2007

not so good couple of days

I've been in a pretty deep funk. I don't know why exactly. It seems like all I do is break down and cry all the time. I've been ripping skin off my feet. They're a mess. I have to put 4x4 gauze pads on them with anti-bacterial junk. All I want to do is keep ripping skin or start cutting it off... It's bad. Yesterday I had to have 5 mg atavan just so I would calm down and stop being self-destructive and crying.

Today I ran into an old class mate. She told me that two people I knew (I still have their Sr. Photos that we traded) had died. Meredith Tarzian died just short of her 33rd birthday, and Jon Berenna was killed in Iraq.... I feel horrible. My name was supposed to be on that list. I tried and Demented stopped it for some reason that I still don't fathom.

Had I not had a miscarriage, I would have had a roughly 4 month old baby. I have a tubal, instead.

There will be no kids for me. Nor will there be any 'true love' for me. I don't think it's something allotted to me. I'm too fucked up.

I don't know why I keep waking up. I don't want to. I'm so tired. I can't fix anything for anyone. I don't even know how to fix myself. I'm spiraling again. 'Happy' is not an emotion I'm familiar with. I haven't known it for years now.

so many years.

All I have left is stubbornness, anger, guilt, sadness. The stubbornness.... I get so tired. It becomes weaker and weaker.

I sit in my room and cry as quietly as I can. I don't want to disturb anyone. I don't know why I bother to even put this down.

Monday, June 11, 2007

cranky cranky cranky

hot, achy, pissed at the fucked up world we live in. glah!

So the little issue where they took all the residents guns after Katrina down in New Orleans? Seems that tactic is still being put to use. It seems that
Greensburg, Kan., after the F5 that went through, had this same thing done to it. About half way down the article talks about it.

WTF is going on with our government?

at least they were kind enough to return them. The local station KAKE reports it as well. I'm not making this crap up.

Wish I was.