Thursday, June 07, 2007

ungh.

Just when I said I wasn't going to miss Counsel House, I missed it today. OMFG. When I woke up, I felt like someone beat me all over with soap in a sock. Shasta, quite apparently, walked me yesterday. I could barely move this morning. What made everything 100% worse was the fact that Rykujin has been sick since late last week. When he got up this morning, he couldn't breathe correctly because his sides hurt. I had previously offered to take him to the ER a couple days ago, but he resisted. So, this morning was to be when he wanted to go. I speculated that it could be one of a number of things: 1) Pneumonia 2) Pulled muscles from retching or 3) cracked ribs from retching. In the end, it seems to be nothing more than #2, which is good. The bad part was I almost felt like I wanted to be in the hospital bed and have a morphine drip. I don't think there's a part of my body that doesn't ache. and I was so tired that I fell asleep on one of the tiny sofas in the waiting area. That was until one of the Security Personnel decided that he had to wake me to make sure I wasn't some drugged out vagrant, apparently. argh. We were there from about 8 till 11am. I came home and crashed again until 6:50pm.

I was supposed to hang out with Shasta again tonight, but I'm in no shape to be driving any long distance. It took all the concentration I had just to get Rykujin to work and myself home this evening.

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Today's minor rant is about the CNN Political Ticker Page commenting about how the sweep of Ron Paul supporters on line don't really count because it's unscientific, and just a segment that seems to be able to whip itself into a frenzy very quickly. I have one question: How can calling land line phones be considered scientific, when a LARGE (and growing) population of the 35 and under segment of our nation is increasingly ONLY having cell phones which are NOT polled? The land line group is often older, more conservative, or 'menial and stuck listening to only the Major News Media' (which routinely IGNORES Dr. Paul!! *grrrr*). So I'd like to tell everyone to do as much research on Dr. Ron Paul as you can. I never thought I would like a Republican candidate nearly as much as I like him. I may be a 'wing nut' for liking Denis Kucinich, but I guess liking Dr. Paul now makes me a 'Dangerous Wing Nut' =)

Besides, I wish I could adopt him as my Grandpa. He's just so damn cool!!!!

Soooooo tired

More later...

Monday, June 04, 2007

Song for the day: Hurt "Falls Apart"

It's not exactly been "one of those days" but it's kinda been 'one of those periods of time'. I watched "The War Game" today with Sean. It's a movie from Peter Watkins that the BBC buried for 20+ years. Imagine it as a precursor to "Threads" and in some ways I feel it is even better. Peter Watkins sticks very close to the social realities and used 'common people' not trained actors to portray the people you see. I feel it gave it a more gritty feel. There's very little sensationalized about it. If you're so inclined at the moment you can apparently find it in parts on YouTube.

The kittens are doing well. They are working on eviscerating my legs. Chaos has been particularly active in shredding my shins. Half&half and Shadow usually curl up in my legs, partially under the laptop and Tigger usually fights to sleep ON the laptop. They're a bunch of stinkers. Literally at times.

I painted my hair (as I'm calling it =) this evening, hence the photo that's not blond. I look much better pink, purple, blue and teal than I do as a straight blond. Well, at least I think so. =)

Mom still hasn't called me back or sent me email. I don't know what I've done to piss her off this time. I'm sure it's just a miscommunication (like my hearing very clearly her calling me a 'gold digger' but she swears she never said that. *shrug*). I've given up on trying to figure out my relationship with her. She's my mother. That's about as far as I can get. Well, I assume that she's my mother, contrary to her telling me repeatedly that "A crow shit you out and the sun hatched you." *sniff* She can try pushing the blame off onto some random crow, but scientifically I don't see that option as possible. So, I have a mom. She seems to not be talking to me (again) and I'm too tired to be the dutiful good child anymore.

Duran Duran "So Long Suicide" is playing as I type this. Maybe that would be a better Song for the Day...

Sunday, June 03, 2007

This is Not the Life I Ordered

I read a horrific and yet facinating account [I strongly recommend reading this] of the man, Michael Goodspeed (aka Stuart Andrew Tallbott), who proposed and then followed through with his experiment. May 1st, he posted to various places (including Daily Kos and Thomas Paine) his intent to conduct this experiment. He was going to try being homeless in Las Vegas for 2 weeks. He was able to go 36 hours before his body started failing him. The narrative is a descent into a personal hell that could befall any of us.

Truly, when I got out of the hospital after a 22 day stay for my psychiatric issues and then was dropped off at 'home' (where Demented had done his best to leave things in such a state that I feared for my life, and at the time I had no idea where he was) I was mortified that I would end up homeless. Or shuffling back and forth between people's extra room, where I might stay for a week or so, mooching off them. The subsequent month that followed left me with the fear that I could not obtain food or gas. That I would be stranded somewhere and not know what to do.

Even now, I look at my situation and realized that while I'm better off than I was, I still sit firmly entrenched in the poverty level. I'm looking for ways to trim the budget I set up. It includes: Rent, electric (appliances & heating/cooling), food for me, cats (litter & food & vet), cleaning (TP, soaps, detergents, etc), gas for the car, car (funds set aside for insurance and annual maintenance), Health insurance, phone, Co-pays (meds & Dr. visits), DYL (citizens bank for the Outback that was repo'd), PSECU (credit card 2K over the limit), Storage (hoping to clean it out and not needing it some time this year), Spending ($10/week), Savings ($10 per month just to have a little extra), Laundry ($10/week wash and dry), and magazines. All that
totaled gives me a $17/month leeway. And it doesn't include net access. So I may have to shave off the extra spending money, or something.

A woman I'm friends with at Counsel House got me started on the budget, hashing out little things that I didn't take into account: things like having spending money as a line item, cleaning/paper products set apart from the food budget. Steve, my RC, was the one who helped me finalize the list (include annual car maintenance/inspection, an entry for savings, and helped me adjust some of my amounts to more reasonable estimates [like $70 instead of $40 for electric since it's also the heating/cooling source]) It's all scary in some ways. It's fine tuning where my money goes to a nitpicky level I never had to do before.

Don't get me wrong, when I worked in the CAC labs and HellDesk while I was 'independent' I
had to do the budgeting thing to a degree, but there were fall backs. I don't have those now. I've never had to sleep a night on the street, but it's something that looms larger than life sometimes when I think about my life in general. It's frightening to look at myself and realize that I'm an adult in charge of my own destiny. Sometimes I feel that I have failed miserably.

On a more mundane note, it's rainy and miserable today (but much cooler, so that's a GOOD THING!). Rykujin is sick and throwing up. I hope I don't end up with whatever is going on with him. That's the last thing I need. I bleached my hair last night to try and even out the roots and give me a fresh pallet for my forays into weird hair color mixes.

A little melancholy. Perhaps I'm reading too much news, dwelling on what to do with Demented's things in storage. I've talked to KlrWombat about contacting Demented's mom, at least, to see if he wants things like his yearbooks, etc. I think I'm slowly letting go of the past, letting go of some of the guilt and pain. It's being filed away somewhere in the back of my brain as 'something that I read about in a story' sorta. I still have crashes. I get 'Bead & Button' as well as 'Sys Admin' magazines. I look through them and read articles and think to myself "Why didn't I think of that?", "I used to do things like that!!", "I wish I could do something profound enough to get an article published! A tiny piece of immortality!! I could prove my worth!" Sometimes I get so disgusted with both the magazine and (really, mostly) myself, that I bury the magazine in a pile somewhere face down and go off and sulk. Somewhere, there was a part of me that felt important. That I had something worthwhile to contribute. Now, I don't know. Maybe I need to find somewhere to host the Cheese Dip site again. lol

I just don't know.