Friday, June 01, 2007

friday that I admit I have problems (well, duh!)

It's been an ok day. Nothing stellar since it's hot and muggy and raining. I'm willing to bet my envelopes are gluing themselves shut as I type. I saw my Resource Coordinator, Steve, today. I didn't see Alissa, however I did call her. I even called and left a message on my mom's answering machine. I doubt she'll call me back though. *shrug* (ironic, since she complains about her mother never calling her...) I also talked to KlrWombat for a bit. Oh, and I sent mail to Case. I'm just going all out! heh. Now I just need to contact Koza, Granger, and Daval.


Steve and I talked about how the contact/isolation thing I do is very bad, and I
need some help addressing it. When I talked to Alissa, we discussed it as well. Realistically, I know I need to be better about my contact with people. Actually, its an issue that Alissa and I are going to talk extensively about when I see her next week. It's impacting my life considerably. I've been slacking off of Counsel House, and not seeing her, as well as 'hiding' from all my friends.

I'm so sorry. Your continued poking of me is actually needed and appreciated, even if I don't show it. I realize I have more good friends than I ever thought. I
may treat you like crap by not responding, but I can't tell you how much it actually means to me. Perhaps part of it is I still don't feel that I deserve you, and guilt for not talking to you more, or being more assertive in calling *you*. a vicious cycle of personal guilt and lack of self-esteem. Perhaps partially fueled by the destructive notion that if I can get people appropriately pissed off and isolated from me, then I can justify the darker thoughts. They're MUCH less frequent than last fall, but they still pop into my internal discussions about once a week. I at least can fend them off better.

Sometimes I'm amazed at how clinical I can be towards myself, and yet not put corrective measures into practice. Astounding.


Pot? Yes, this is the kettle. You're a rather dark shade of grey today.

The kittens have been doing well, though I've discovered that kitten farts are about the stinkiest thing I've had to deal with in a long time. PSHEW! Mom's not smelling much better. The worst part is they're silent, so you never have advance warning one is going to assault your nose. This evening, I had all 4 kittens either on my lap, being held with one hand, or against my legs. No idea which one to blame, and sometimes the smell just melds between more than one. Egads!

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KlrWombat and I talked about our vehicles. He's got problems with bent springs. A very expensive issue to deal with! I just have annoying little things: my sunroof occasionally misbehaves [it pops open sometimes even when I have it set to 'close'], the A/C doesn't cool [needs freon recharged probably], cruise control doesn't control [annoying while driving on the by-pass, but not really a major issue], an oil indicator beeps menacingly at me sometimes, but the oil level is fine and I don't see any leaks [please don't let it be a pressure thing and I need a new head gasket!!! Give me a faulty sensor!], and last but most important is the driver side windshield wiper doesn't wipe. I had to put new wipers on earlier this week. It was a mostly painless process once I figured out how the blades go on, but the driver's side doesn't keep contact the whole way through the motion of wiping, only a small streak. Passenger side is fine, and I've swapped the blades to make sure it wasn't a bad wiper, but same thing. Not sure what to do about it. I don't know if a larger blade should be installed (I put the 22" one on like the guide at Wal-Fart said I needed) or what. Aggravating since it's been raining. Other than that, the car is great, and the tires are in really good shape. I think I can get at least 2 years out of them.

Today's photos are of my other kitties, whom I miss a great deal. Chaucer and Mattie. I hope they're ok. I don't know really. I'm sure the invitation to have 'visiting rights' has been revoked and I wouldn't want to test it, anyhow, since I have a great paranoia about seeing Demented. (Part of the reason I think I've
been avoiding going to Alissa is I'm afraid of running into him there. Trite, because I *think* we would both be adults and generally ignore each other, but I really don't know how he would react. I know I would personally be a mess once I was in private. *sigh*) Anyhow, Chaucer, the Stately Gentleman, and Mattie, the Silly Princess:

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Song for the day: Evans Blue "Quote"

I've not updated my blog for quite a few days. I've felt crappy. My back is still bothering me, I'm still having numbness along my left arm occasionally. It's been hot and miserable here. *shrug* I still feel like I'm living life on hold. Hard to explain. I've not even been to Counsel House this week. I know I should have gone, but I'm in that funk thing again. Doesn't help that I re-read my blog, sort through old digital photos to print out (and come across mementos of my previous life with Demented), read the (bad) news and generally feel yucky mentally and physically. The photo to the left is from Pittsburgh, August 2001 outside of the Sun Microsystems training facility. I think it's a maple tree. I thought it looked like a dragon's eye. Yeah, it's one of the photos I've dug out.

Though something to off set that somewhat is Chaos and Half&half. Those two kittens come and sit on my leg, look up at me and wait to lick my nose when I lean over and sniff them. Nothing quite like new kitten smell. =-} They're both curled up against me at the moment. Ugh. The down side is I've got to figure out how I'm going to pay to have them all fixed. *sigh*

I talked to the nice lady at Huntington Park today. I'll be on the second floor, but the bonus is that there's central air. I'll be sooooo ready for that once it's time to move. It's still looking like mid to late July. They're going to replace the carpet and she's not sure what the turn-around time will be for that. SO, I still don't know when I get to move in, exactly.

In honor of today's political rant, I give you this photo I took in New Orleans, April of 2002. I want to draw your attention to the two teensy-weensie little directives that Mr. Bush signed on May 9th. They are quite disturbing in their scope. It challenges everything that Posse Comitatus is about. Entitled “Homeland Security Presidential Directive/HSPD-20", this disturbing piece of presidential power essentially allows whoever happens to be President to seize control over all branches of the government in the event of a "catastrophic emergency" (look for section 6). The other, "National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive" goes on to discuss that "Catastrophic Emergency" means any incident, regardless of location. Think about that one for a moment. Imagine that "terrorists" disrupt out supply of Saudi oil by bombing their oil fields. That would be an economic (dare I say health, since medical supplies, hospital generators, emergency vehicles, etc would be affected) related "Catastrophic Emergency" (see sections 5h & 11d). How much worse could it get, really?? Perhaps what happened in New Orleans after Katrina went through is just a taste for the rest of us. ABC news filmed the National Guard going door to door confiscating firearms. So much for our 2nd Amendment Right. They had no way to defend themselves against looters. You and I both know the guard wouldn't be able to be everywhere to prevent it since the National Guard is already strained by the Iraq war. Just think, the government was able to get away with this even before these two pieces of Presidential Directive were in place! Doesn't it sound like something that would happen in Iraq? That's because it did back in May 2003. The New Orleans YouTube video is below.