Wednesday, May 23, 2007

diverging news

Well, a friend DKS, said he ran into Demented and was introduced by a mutual friend, From the description, he may have cut his hair a bit shorter. Apparently he's still haveing lots of bad days. "things are status quo" generally, with dips into the lower levels. MU best guess, with second hand info and basing all this on 'old Demented data', It sounds bleak. How much have I fucked him up? How much did he fuck me up?? I don't know, but he's not in a good place. Hell, I oscillate back and forth, myself.

I don't know why, but I have such mixed feelings. I wish him well, I hope he can move on to something better. Better than me. I want him to be happy again. The Demented that I knew so long ago. Where did he go?!?!?! I am crying as I write this. I just wish that things could be better for him. I don't know how to make him happy. I didn't for a long time. I failed him. I failed myself.

There's still the spark of anger. 'Why the fuck did he even bother to call the ambulance?!" He should have just let me go then....... Ilfe would be easier for everytone. I have so much resentment that he called. I feel guilty for being alive and not able to help with anything.

ygh,,,, I'm done for now..... I have to stop typing...