Friday, May 11, 2007
I'm too warm to bother doing a screen capture to place here. I'll just note the time and date. Easy enough to look up again later, theoretically.
I'm biting my lip. I don't know why. So hard to stop once I start. Usually why I wear lipstick. I'm less likely to bit and chew. Blah blah blah about my destructive behaviors. =) Found the fun of Podcasts. I like The Ungodly Hour (Industrial EBM Goth). Well, I like some of it better than others, but, hey, whatever. The parts that have interviews with Icon of Coil's Sebastian are fun.
I saw Alissa earlier today. I'm going to work on mindfulness of my anger and frustration. We're trying to figure out why I bottle my anger and frustration and then release it on myself. "I must put up with XYZ situation, or I'll destroy myself." No happy medium of thinking about things rationally, just either extreme. And I'm usually good at finding ways to damage myself. I'm getting better, but it's not just going to stop overnight if I've been doing it for years. I have a list of activities to do when I need to deal with the extra unstable energy. Ink drawing seems to be the winner as of late. I suppose I need to scan some of my work in an post it to flickr or something. I'll get there. I have to admit. Sometimes I feel naked without a shell account and static webspace I control. I do have one account left that KlrWombat has helped ensure hangs around, but I don't really want to abuse a grace account at a major university by keeping personal pages on it.
You know, I don't even know why I write some of the stuff I do. I mean, I used to journal on paper exclusively, and now I'm putting some of the more 'intimate' stuff out here in the blogosphere where anyone can read it. I sometimes wonder if that's real smart or not, but I figure most people will never see this crap, and the people who DO see it, well, I think I know most of you, if not all, and trust you. Besides, what's it going to do? Come back and bite me on the ass? "Hello, I've got Major Recurrent Depression with psychotic features, agoraphobia (at least by the Psychiatrist's definition of it), generalized anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia, Familial palmo-plantar keratoderma, bursitis, a bulging disk, no ACL in my left knee, a really bizarre sense of reality sometimes, use sarcasm as a defense weapon, and have a tendency to isolate. Oh, and I had carpal tunnel release on both hands and then a major university decided to lay me off. (My hands are still somewhat broken.) My ex-husband and I have mutual PFAs against each other, though I believe his was a retaliatory jab just to be a jerk. AND he had the nerve to keep my cat, Chaucer!! =-P And I like beads. A lot. Thank you."
There. I think that does it. The rant of "who is dory" in a nutshell. Not sure what else incriminating info I could put out. Well, I suppose there's some, but even *I* have my limits on what I post in my blog...
Oh, and the "psychotic features" I'm pretty sure are related to visual aura crap that is associated with my migraines. It's not like I'm going to turn in to Jason Vorhees or anything.
The interesting/good news is I got a call this morning before Alissa's about the 3 bedroom townhouse out in Boalsburg. It would be ready sometime in mid-July, approximately. eep! This is starting to get real. I'm making major decisions. I don't know if they're right, wrong, or just ->decisions<-, but the stream of time continues to flow and carry me along with it.
Pink petals fall like snow,
Another phase of my life
drifts on wind eddies.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
I got my new granny glasses today. The left eye's astigmatism is a tad worse, the right eye seems almost fine. Realistically, I really don't NEED to wear them at all, but I notice at night with headlights I have the most problem. I'm not even sure I want to wear them while on the computer, but I'll try it for a bit.
The kittens are getting bigger and feistier. They still can't (thankfully) leave the box yet. Pure chaos is expected once that happens. *sigh* Mom seems somewhat starved for both attention and fat. She's so thin again! I think she's actually thinner than before the kittens came along. She eats, I make sure of that (and I'm giving her kitten chow for the extra goodies it provides) I dunno. Guess if I had 4 kids at once, I might get skinnier too. hurm.
No. Not Even.
anywhobe. Still having the flareup symptoms. bruised areas, joints shifting badly, the usual. The most annoying thing for me, at the moment, is that it's too damn warm to use the heating pad, but it does make things feel better. Very Annoying.
I hope life is treating everyone else pretty well. (I know it can be hard working for the Evil Empire [though at this point, is that the current administration or M$? I digress]) Oh, and with a special "Thank you!!" to Riff, I present to you, silicon valley users guide; How do I get my sysadmin to do anything?
Repeat after me:
Root is God.
God is Good.
Root is Good.
Don't question God.
Ok, being sacreligious. But it is funny =)
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Still out of C.H because of the problems. I'll be back tomorrow. I did get to call the Dr's office. They're referring me to a neurologist, Dr. Hyman. (I know, let the jokes commence about the poor guy's name. It's almost as bad as my PCP, Dr. Pro. Except I like Doc Pro a lot. He's really nice, very considerate, and seems to have a pretty good grasp of the broad issues I deal with. So no jokes about his name. He really is a Pro! =) soooooo, I'm doing better than last night. I was really in a down, black mood. It wasn't pretty. *sigh*
The kittens are doing well. Mom is putting up with so much from them. They're almost to the point of where they can tumble out of the box. Not good. I don't know how they're going to tumble back in! It's rather hot here today and so Havoc is being an incredibly patient mom, even with the heat. The kittens are abusing her so much.
Found a really cool Podcast that is goth. I'm listening to an interview with the guy from Icon of Coil. Woot!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
He looked at an apartment in Demented's old building. It's not great, but it's better than this place. He'd have a ton more room. I hope it works out well for him. All a bit surreal.
All I kept seeing today were cobalt blue Subaru WRXs. That didn't help how I felt either. I loved that car. Now I'm relegated to an automatic. Bad back, bad knee, rebellious hands.... I can feel myself getting dumber every time I drive it. I want a stick, but that's just not in the cards for me. another *sigh*
The kittens are doing well. They're driving Havoc crazy. They still are note all that coordinated, but they're trying. They sneak over to the edge of the sweater box and poke their heads up looking out at the world beyond. A couple more days and I'm sure we're going to have a world of chaos in my room (more so than it already is, I might add.)
Anyhow, just wanted to pop on and say hi to everyone and tell them I love them. **HUG**
Monday, May 07, 2007
Mentally, I'm doing mostly ok. What's really bringing me down today is the fact that my left arm and hand are weak and tingly. I'm having all kinds of weird neruopathic symptoms that are freaking me out, actually. My back is a mess again, even after the cortisone, and the amount of pain is just about where it was prior to the shot. dammit. that was just a couple weeks ago! *sigh* I've called the Dr's office and explained what's going on. They're to call me back and let me know what I should do next. I don't know if one of the Drs will end up raising my Neurontin, or do something else. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to start severely limiting my computer time again. That thought makes me want to cry. I have strange ideas that I can get back into being the UNIX SysAdmin person and enjoy life and technology again. Then my hands start pinging me, and now all this other crap is coming down on me. I'm sure some of it is stress related, making it more acute, but still.... I want my TCP/IP!
Maybe some things are not yet meant to be. Maybe never. And that thought really bums me out. No matter what I do, I have to be careful that I don't do it for too long in one sitting, or too often over the course of a couple weeks. Fickle little d. Except I'm not being fickle because I'm a wench, I'm being fickle because that's what I have to do to keep myself for hurting. Looks like that doesn't always work, I guess.
The kittens are doing well, and momma is getting out and about more than the last couple of weeks. The kittens are at the point where they start to fight back when she starts to clean them. Biting her nose and paws, and BTW, they have SHARP tiny claws!!!
well, that's today in a nutshell. not much. House mate got free tickets to see the WWE wrestling thing tonight at the BJC. Looks like I'm going with him. whee. woo. ahh!
anyhow, everyone take care and enjoy the weather if you have nice weather like we do here...
Sunday, May 06, 2007
The photo is from yesterday afternoon before going to the movies...
Not sure what's up with my body at the moment. My left shoulder is feeling weak and my back is killing me today. My back hasn't hurt this much in a couple of weeks. It's at the point where I'm face down on the bed with a heating pad on it just to make it a little more bearable. Something is going on that is putting my body into outright rebellion mode. *sigh* It's as if I didn't even have the cortisone epidural. I hope this is just a phase. I wonder if it has something to do with both of my hands having started hurting. I guess I've been spending too much time on the computer. I've started getting that sharp twang in the backs of both hands. It's enough to really bum me out. Whatever stray thoughts I've had about getting my NetSec cert or trying to go back into graphics, this has proven a not so minor reality check that I still have problems that have not gone away. grrr.
I start thinking that I'm doing so well, that maybe I CAN just get off my bum and do something again. Then my body reminds me that certain things are still not what I should be doing. It's enough to make me crazier. Photography, light beading, drawing, a little computer work, these things are ok in small doses, but anything I do for too long (either in a single day, or over the course of a couple of weeks by way of becoming obsessive with them for a bit) start causing problems. My 'Protestant Work Ethic' is sometimes too acute. I know I do things that probably aren't good for me (sheesh, I guess that goes even beyond just the working aspect of myself, into the 'Ouch! Quit it!' area of personal relationships too =)
Friday I saw Spiderman 3. What a let down for me! I love Rami's work, but it was too long and too much a 'chick flick' for my taste. At least Harry was eye candy ;-) On the other hand, I saw Hot Fuzz last night. OMFG. It was awesome! I think, just maybe, I liked it better than Shaun of the Dead. There's something sexy about Simon Pegg as a bobby. And he's SMART! woo! But I digress.
In my 'Political Soapbox Story of the Day' corner, it seems that since there's no point in trying to get W into a 3rd term (we hope!) Florida has decided to junk electronic voting and go back to chads. Hey, about time. At least voters get a paper trail again. Really, what's so hard about paper trails with voting? If a fricken ATM/MAC machine and the local gas pump can spit one out every time, what's so hard about having the voting machines do it???! Nothing like a little black box to suck you vote off into a void that Schrodinger would even cringe at trying to measure.
And the amusing photo of the day actually goes to photographic artist Spencer Tunick, who did a photo shoot in Mexico City's Zocalo square! (Zocalo, still brings to mind Babylon 5, though =)