Friday, May 04, 2007

introspective Friday

Well, it's Friday. woo! It's been a loooooong week. I'm glad the weekend is here, although I'm sure by Sunday, I'll be looking forward to going back to Counsel House on Monday. That's just the way it goes. I had my individual therapy today with Alissa. We talked about my anger management problem. I save all my anger up and take it out on myself. Not good. I know. We're going to work on that little problem.

In my snazzy Spotted Lizard shirt, I met a friend around 3 and P. and I went shopping downtown for a little bit. She was looking for a present for her daughter. I dropped her off and decided since I was in the area, I would stop by the storage unit and poke around. I did really good. I didn't break down at all, even when I found the wedding photo album.... It made me sad, definitely, but I didn't freak like I would have months ago. It's this accumulation of a life long past. I miss it, I honestly do. The nightmare of the last 3 years seems so surreal. I hope Demented is doing we
ll. I often wonder what he's up to. If he's still in town. Of course, I also freak at the thought of running into him. I don't know how THAT would go. *sigh* But I did find a treasure trove of pearls, jewelry that I had made years ago (at this point. 2004 seems like yesterday and forever ago at the same time.) and beads. I also found books that I had been looking for, including the Tarot book that Jerry loaned me. I stopped by KlrWombat's place and dropped the book off so he could get it to Jerry for me.

The kittens are doing well. They purr, and are getting feisty. A couple of them are almost at the point where they try to leave the sweater box, but juuuuuuust not quite. Thankfully =) They are getting to the point where they will sniff and lick our hands, too!

And finally, while not my kitties, something cute to entertain you:

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

a slightly better Wednesday <=-}

The kittens have all opened their eyes now. They're still pretty wobbly on their legs, and they all have the cloudy blue of newborn's eyes, but they're getting bigger, and they've started fighting occasionally. They're so sweet. They still clump together to sleep though. They haven't gotten to the point where they can sneak out of their box. This is a GOOD thing for now. =)

I made the decision. I am not comfortable with the Bellefonte house. I called the woman renting it and told her we're not taking it. I have submitted my application for the place out in Boalsburg. I may end up with a one or two bedroom, and it may be July 1 or August 1 possession. SO.... either way gives me some flexibility in when I can move my junk in to the place. It w
as so hard to push myself to put my foot down and just say, 'NO.' I did it, though. It took a lot of help from all of you. I took strength from it to push me into doing what I really wanted to do all along. I can't thank you enough for saying what my brain was trying to telling me. Your support has been the greatest gift I could have received. I don't know how things are going to pan out in the long run, but at least I'm not holding the bottle of Trazadone now....

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

mixed up tuesday

Well. It's one of those days. I still sometimes wonder if I need to 302 myself. Stress. More Atavan. It looks like rykujin has almost talked me into the place in Bellefonte. I have to admit, it seems almost perfect. The basement already has a workbench built into one wall. It could be very good for me as far as my art and jewelry are concerned. but.... I'm still afraid of the price, though he just got a second job making $6.75 an hour (24-35 hrs a week). I guess we can work it out. We might even be able to get E.P. our other current house mate to move in with us come August. That's a little more iffy, but it's a possibility. Rykujin swears he will be more serious about working and responsibilities. I'm still scared.

I feel crappy, emotionally, and physically. My back hurts and my legs fall asleep certain ways I sit. We had a thunder storm this evening, so my fibromyalgia is mad at me too.

I got mail from C. in Maryland offering to help move me. I broke down and cried. I don't know what I ever did to deserve friends like him, Studdragon, mgranger and the rest. I feel so unworthy of their fierce loyalty. They mean so much to me, but I'm such a jerk as far as communications go. Yet they still talk to me. I am humbled.

The kittens are doing well, growing fast. They have all started to open their eyes at this point. Even Tigger, the runt, is feisty.

I wish I felt feisty. I feel..... cruddy.....

I got the new bead & button magazine. Looking through it made me cry too. Jealous, and mad at myself. "Why didn't I do that first? How dumb could I be?" "I want to do that.... why am I so lazy and easily distracted, unable to concentrate??" "That project is so cool, but I don't know if my hands would let me do that. Even if I tried, it would look like shit because I would leave tool marks all over the silver." Why can't I take charge of my life better? Why is it so hard to DO SOMETHING with it?? I had a damn career for 10 years, and now I'm this messed up, 'lazy slacker, whiner about my disabilities'. I want to REJECT the thought I have problems. I just want to ignore them and go gung-ho and be successful again. It feels like that will never happen. And when I try ignoring things like my fibro, I pay the price for days afterwards. Group Therapy 4xweek for 8 hours (ok, call it what it really is: 6 months so far of 'Out Patient Hospitalization', one step away from full hospitalization) and then a 1 hours session with my personal therapist once a week. I see the Psychiatrist a couple times a month, too. I'm better than I was 6 months ago (I don't think about My Plan every waking moment), but I still slip. I still fight with the depression and everything else. I feel like I'm a wraith of who I should be.


Sorry such a downer of a post. The housing thing and the rykujin thing just has me.... messed up, I guess. I should be happy. Things ARE moving forward. I am just afraid. Afraid of being trapped, afraid of failing, afraid the rug will be pulled out from under me, afraid of just *being* sometimes. I screwed up somewhere in the past and now I can't quite figure out how to not do it again. And I'm afraid I will.

Today's song is VNV Nation Fearless

So many little things followed me.
So many little things that bothered me. But I found my answer.
From the chaos that followed me I have found my answer.
I’ve told you before don’t follow me because I am not you answer.

I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy.
These are the words I say to myself everyday.
I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy.
Tell me what ritual I should have today.
But I’m not alone. I’ve resolved so many things and set myslef free.

I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy.
These are the words I say to myself everyday.
I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy.
Such a stupid ritual to have to say to my self everyday.
I’m not alone but I found my answer and set myself free. I’m not unhappy.

I’m not alone and I’m not unhappy.
Not alone and I’m not unhappy.
I’m not alone and I’m not unhappy.

I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid.
I am not alone. I am not afraid. I am not unhappy.
These are the words I say to myself everyday
I am not alone. I am not afraid. I am not unhappy. I’m not afraid.

I am not alone. I am not afraid. I am not unhappy.
The words I say to myself everyday.
I am not alone. I am not afraid. I am not unhappy.
Such a stupid ritual to have to say to myself everyday.
I’m not alone but I found my answer and set myself free. I’m not unhappy.

Monday, April 30, 2007

housing search

I'm looking for new housing. I may have found a place for just me, $400/mo out in Boalsburg. Rykugin wasn't really all that thrilled. He pointed out that 'how will you handle things if you have a meltdown and no one is there?" I don't know. I've never had the chance to find out. Well, that's not entirely true. Demented really wasn't _there_ when I needed him most, but that's another issue altogether.... 'I could call people' was what I told him. He wished me luck, but then brought out the classified and started pointing out place that we could check into together.....

i felt like crap. I still feel like crap. There's part of me that really wants to try living on my own. The place wasn't perfect, but it would be ok. A one bedroom apt set in a townhouse like lay out. And it would allow cats.

We went to Bellefonte to look at a house for $675 +$42 for water & sewer/mo, we would pay electric, trash removal ($18/mo) gas (for heating), and the obvious phone/internet/cable (assuming I really had the need for cable, which I don't).... It would stretch my budget ($1441/mo) to the limit. Of course, he says he would pick up his part of the bills *dubious look* . The house itself is great. The landlady is wonderful. There would even be a space in the basement for me to set up my work bench again for making jewelry..... but the money..... *shakes her head* I"m afraid. I don't want to get behind on bills, and this amount of spending scares the shit out of me. I don't know how much I can really depend on him to keep his end of the bargain up. He's having problems where we are now paying his own rent of $225 + electric. He uses my phone which I pay for all myself.

I feel sick about all this. I feel like I'm going to be trapped either here on Allen St. or I'm going to destroy Ryukijin. I know it's not my place to ensure his happiness. Hell, I'm still trying to work on my own..... But then I think maybe he'll get better about things. (and maybe stop over drawing his account by hundreds of dollars...)

The stress is getting to me. bills, health care, my own current physical pain.... Part of me thinks I maybe need to 302 myself. I have begun to feel that I'm teetering on a razor's edge again. When I think things are looking up, I crash and deal with realities that I don't know how to deal with.

I've already been picking and ripping the skin on my feet till they're bloody.... Which is making me limp, which is making my back hurt again. sometimes to the point I have to stop walking because of the pain. DAMNIT. DAMNIT DAMNIT. I feel sick to my stomach from the stress, and the Atavan is only taking the edge off. I don't know how to proceed. I'm supposed to be strong and in control of my own path. but I keep getting tripped up in everything else. Not wanting to hurt anyone... Bah. No matter what I do, I hurt people. over and over again. guilt....

I don't even think I can talk to my mom about this. She'll say that I'm whining. That's what she said last time I tried to talk to her on one of my bad days.....

I give up.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

The truth will set you free... Unless you're Ollie North, then you just fudge it.

I've been back to my usual research into things I know I shouldn't poke into. I mistrust my current government. I mean, I remember watching the Iran Contra Scandal back in, what, '87, while I was at the New Jersey beach with a friend that summer. Things even then made me ask questions and I was only 13. Now, 20 years later, I'm still asking questions and the issues seem even more dangerous and threatening to the world, let alone the American populous.

I recommend everyone watch the video from September 11th Revisited. it's about an hour and 1/2 long, but well worth it. It addresses issues that many people, including myself noticed that dreadful day, and subsequent days, weeks, months, and years afterwards. It is the culmination of hundreds of professors, academics, and professionals discussing how the towers and WTC 7 fell. They go into real life physics and chemistry. They're not 'nut cases'. This is the real deal, and it's frightening. The only part that I found any amusement in was when Ollie North was debating with Professor James Fetzer. Dr. Fetzer made a comment about Ollie knowing, essentially, all about government conspiracy and cover-ups. =)

Another physics prof, Dr. Stephen Jones, has a good lecture on the demolition of the WTC buildings, including X-ray spectrometry evidence. I also recommend watching this. Some of it seems slow and rather basic, but it actually is a very good companion piece with the Sept 11 Revisited video. I think they both discuss physics and chemistry in a way that the average lay person can pick up and comprehend. Or at least do their own research on to confirm what these people are saying....

I suppose that I'll now get on some Homeland Security list as a dissident, if I'm not already there. Don't worry. I keep taking my psychotropic medication and am continually monitored by a bevy of professionals. Gee, almost on a daily basis, come to think of it =)