Saturday, April 28, 2007

typical Saturday

Nothing too major to update, really. One of the kittens has started opening her eyes. They are still so tiny and helpless. They are simply amazing. It's somewhat freaky, actually. The girl who's opening her eyes seems...... odd. Her eyes are still that cloudy, blind blue color, and so deeply recessed. It's hard to imagine they are going to end up as big as Havoc. They just seem so small right now. They still dog-pile to keep each other warm. (or cat-pile as the case may be =)

I hung out with A. and her S.O. last night. it was actually nice. laid back. We watched Walker, Texas Ranger and made MST3K type comments about the bad guys.

My back is still sore, but not as bad as yesterday. I have two bruises where the injections were done. I really hope that this helps. I've heard too many horror stories about back surgery. I don't see it coming to that for (hopefully) quite a few years, but *shrug* my body still hates me. Fibromyalgia on top of everything else is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It's kinda the chicken or the egg thing. Did my bilateral carpal tunnel release trigger a major flare up for the first time, or did the Fibro cause the cascade effect of carpal tunnel, propensity for tendinitis and bursitis, etc. Or is it all related to the hereditary genetic
palmoplantar keratoderma that comes from my mom's side of the family. I'm still searching for some meaning of my genetics and all the weirdness that happens to my health. I'll probably never know for certain, but it still makes me do research and think about how it ties together with all my family and the way it has expressed itself among extended members of my family. All very strange.

I've also been reading about Dennis Kucinich's Articles of Impeachment against Cheney (HRES 333 IH). I urge everyone to take the time and read about it. If it seems far fetched to you, do your own research on his allegations. In a somber farewell for the day, I leave you with the lyrics to VNV Nation's Serial Killer:

In a face a view, through eyes this world collides.
I am voiceless in my angst
And nothing can take us back to innocence.
Short, sharp, bloodlust reality.
In despair I reach for night

In water purity reigns to be resolute.
As a land we clean our minds, reap our belongings
Sew our angers and our strengths.
All too obsessed by weakness
We have brought ourselves to meaninglessness.

So easy to control, bring to harm.
A gathering of fools unjustified, on a mountain.
I collect my thoughts
And I rise above all that despises me.

Comprehend the ways of man and under a flag
We salute or burn, there is blood on both shores.
With hardened mind I traveled, with hardened heart I conquered
a freedom so ironic, so despicable, so hypocritical.

There is anger resolute.
Rears its familiar head on the TV screen.
In a dozen bags a life was placed.
In a breath he smiled and waved.

For five minutes at a time the power held true.
Without consternation our laws are lost.
Lost to butchers, lost to child killers, lost to narcotic ritual.
Another tag, another headline.
Another smiling face shall stay 10 winters long forever.

And where are the angels to guard?
Where is the god of men and children?
He is stalking the minds of dark poor souls.
I know it's right because I know it's time for freedom:

To kill another and to kill another
And to kill another child of the flag
Till there are none left... and another,
And to kill another, and to kill another...

Gaze upon what you've become
And take a look at what you've done.
You'll repent for what you've done
Raping my daughter, raping my son.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Crappy Thursday

I'm going to try to be better about blogging a bit more often. I don't have an excuse not to at the moment. The photo here is from last Saturday when I went out with a friend, A. to Black Moshannon to take pictures. Yeah, I've been doing weird things to my hair. *shrug* it's only hair. Eventually it will grow out =) I mentioned that I got a new car, although I cannot drive it today because I had an epidural with cortisone injected at L5/S1 this morning. It wasn't as bad of a procedure as I expected, but I'm starting to feel pretty stiff and achy now. I'll be driving to C.H. tomorrow and then to my appt. with Alissa in the afternoon. The sense of freedom I have is wonderful, even if today has been a crappy one.

The kittens and mom are doing great. They still haven't opened their eyes, but they're getting bigger. Havoc is a very protective mom, but she lets me pet them gently and occasionally hold them. They sleep in a clump and sometimes squabble, but they're siblings, so I guess that's to be expected.

So, how am I doing today? Crappy. Rykujin went with me as my escort for the epidural. We had to take a cab since I wasn't allowed to drive (home). He was his usual joking smartass, but it was ok.

Maybe it's just the pain catching up with me, but I broke down and cried on the fire escape. Tomorrow is garbage/recyclables and there was a huge pile that had to go. So since he didn't have the wherewithall to do it himselff, I scooped the cat litter and then gathered up what I could and started to take it downstairs to go out. He heard me (while he was glued to the PS2) and came to the top of the stairs to admonish me that I shouldn't be doing that. I was already down stairs and just ignored him mostly. I guess it made him feel bad, so he gathered the garbage out
of the can and brought it down, and I passed him and pointed out that recyclables needed to go out too. I went back up stairs for *another* load of boxes and junk that had been sitting there for days, and he came down with the cans and jars. I still had to haul the two containers to the curb. I came back in to find him changing the litter (yes, after I had scooped it. I'm crazy, but not insane enough to have changed it. figured scooping would be good enough)

In the mean time, got mail and he had another overdraft notice. I've been telling him to use his check register for ages now, but it keeps happening. That's when I ended up sitting on the fire escape and crying. I can't deal with this. I'm looking into a place to live by myself. I don't know if anything will come of it, I'm here till my lease runs out in August. I just hope I make it that long. I have to do something though. I have to make some sort of change (aside from the car). Being here is draining me. Fighting with other house mates over parking (one house mate has turned our driveway into his personal junk yard rental space), trying to keep this place clean is a losing battle (the large black ants have come back already!), my room is a mess because I have no space for anything, and just interpersonal relationships in general....

Sometimes I feel that I'm stretched too thin. I still have my black thoughts, but I'm at least not acting on them. Trying to keep up with what should be normal everyday life things like laundry, bills, cleaning, and down time for myself just exhaust me. Mentally and physically. I hate this. I want to be the superwoman I used to seem to be. able to get it all done and still work 12 hrs a day. (oh, got my eyes examined on Wednesday, come to think of it. I'll be getting new glasses in a couple weeks. Should use them for computer work, driving, reading etc. Astigmatism at it's finest! The one good thing to come out of the exam was the fact that the little 'sprites of color', auras and shadow things I see are not a sign I'm insane. They're a manifestation of my migraines. They may precursor one, or just happen with out the migrane. lovely. I'm just not insane and that's the important bit.)

Just generally very frustrated and feeling..... personally isolated. I don't want to interact with people unless I'm forced to, but feel lonely anyhow. How idiotic is that? At least I had a really good time hanging out with A. on Saturday. She's so pretty and funny and about as messed up as me. =)