Monday, December 03, 2007

I'm bad. I havn't updated in quite a while

I know. I've been a booger. Yeah, I've been hiding, sleeping excessively, and generally miserable. My back is borked and I'm on a round of prednisone. The herniated disk is acting up and the left thigh is going numb. *sigh* if it's not one thing it's another.

I know this post isn't much, but I wanted to let you all know I'm alive (though not kicking very high at the moment =-) I'm sorry I've been so bad about communications. love you all.


Monday, November 05, 2007

medicare, medicaid, medi-huh?

Well, I officially will be covered with Medicare starting December 1. I'm still not sure if I understand how all of this works. As far as I can tell:

  • I get Medicare Part A (emergency physical health issues) without a monthly premium payment
  • I get Medicare Part D (Prescription covereage) without a monthly premium
  • I will get Medicare Part B ("routine" physical and mental health) for about $96/month
  • Part B covers 80% of physical health visits and 50% of mental health visits AFTER a yearly deductible of approximately $136. This part will cost about $96/month
  • I will keep Access MAWD program (PA state level coverage "Medicaid") which will pick up 20% of visit costs. This plan will cost me $71/ month
So, I'm paying about $166/month plus my co-pays and whatever is left over bill-wise, I guess. I make too much money to qualify for any of the energy assistance programs here in PA, too much for the DPW to cover my monthly Medicare premium, too much for any other DPW (food stamps/cash) service (outside of the MAWD program)... *sigh* I make just enough to squeak by on, but not save up for anything (such as a car at some point, a vacation/travel anywhere, PS2, TV, internet service, etc.) *sigh*

Oh well. Life goes on anyhow. I pulled my loom out and I've been weaving a little bit. I try to knit and it goes slowly. I get about 1 or 2 rows done, then I have to put the knitting up because my hands have cramped up and have sharp aches in them. Weaving I can do in 2-5" intervals (depending on the fibers =) or about 15 minutes before I have to stop for an equal amount of time to let my body rest. I'm at least puttering around. More importantly, I'm not reading news for hours on end.

Well, that's about it for now. The cats still have little tiffs every so often, but it's calming down. *hugs* to all of you.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

nuthin x-site-ing

I was up way too late last night doing nothing worthwhile. I ended up waking up around 5pm today. *sigh* Another day where I could have been working on putting my studio together and I slept through it. Back to Counsel House tomorrow, probably a slow, agonizing day. At least the cats have been behaving better the last couple of days. There's still some occasional posturing, but there's not been any big hissy-fits. Oddly enough I ended up dreaming about Chaucer [an old photo of him sleeping with his lover, The Raccoon] last night (once I did go to bed) Something about fighting off demons and having an intelligent familiar. It was really bizarre. I think George Carlin was some sort of mentor for me and whoever was my brother. Somehow we could fight off entities by channeling energy into wood through living things. I have vague impressions of something dark and gothic meeting H.R. Geiger. Somehow we get extra powers once the 'George Carlin' guy vaporizes. There was some sort of huge ice sword. Yeah, I know. waaaaay out there. =)

Well, there were no trick-or-treaters so I guess eating all the packets of Whoppers before Halloween wasn't a problem after all. Of course, now I have Twix, KitKats, Almond Joys and Dove Dark Chocolate to get rid of. *whistles innocently*

Speaking of 'weight gain', my Lyrica was increased to 75mg bid. I'm hoping to avoid weight gain (a common side effect, same as Serequil. *sigh*)

The news in general, I see, is rather discouraging. The cost of oil nearing $100/barrel, the feds lowering the interest rate (interestingly, this is a hard story to find in an American outlet on google. It's all over Canadian and British news agencies. Also of note is the dichotomy of whether this will or won't be a harbinger of another cut in December.) and pushing $41 billion into the economy (oh yeah, lets FURTHER erode the value of the US Dollar! What a spiffy plan!) Housing foreclosures and defaults on loans are exceedingly high (I guess once again I was a trend setter! *waves bye-bye to Leawood house*) "But doncha know dat we'ves got a strong ee-kononmee?" Yeah sure. That awesome surge in Job Growth is the predecessor to what? Oh, yeah, lots more job cuts around the nation in a variety of businesses. Can we say "Recession?" Can we worry about "Depression"? I knew we could.

What else could go wrong? Fires in California, a South-eastern drought the likes of which I've never seen (not that I'm all that old) MRSA outbreaks here in Centre County... I found out today that there's a trojan for Macs now, dammit!!! No more surfing for prOn for me. (just kidding. I still have gigs of it that Demented downloaded.... lol) Of course, anyone who clicks willy-nilly on things that demand system level access while surfing for prOn kinda ask for it, you know? It's like complaining that your SPARCstation keeps crashing only to have the SysAdmin find your Netscape caching megs and megs of
those prOn images into the swap space so the system has no virtual memory to access. You kinda ASK to be slapped with a clue-by-4.

I guess I should go to bed soon. Almost mindnight and the alarm is set for 07:10.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A retrospective day.

Tomorrow would have been our 10 year (legally recognized marriage) anniversary. Something like 20 years having known him. A little melancholy. Sorta lonely. Guess it's good I see Alissa tomorrow.

It doesn't help that I learned yesterday that B_ has brain cancer. I never mentioned her in my blog before. She's another 'consumer'. She is usually quiet, and has been mistook as asleep while in group. B_ almost always surprises us because she's NOT asleep and has been listening the whole time. Often she comes back with a sharp witted retort. Her entire face lights up when she smiles and laughs. Many times, she makes us laugh with a well placed gibe. She has chin length salt and pepper hair that has soft curls every which way. I think as long as I've known her, I've only once seen her without a bandanna holding her curls back. While she wears normal blue/red/white/black bandannas, sometimes she has some awesome funky ones too. B_ is a wonnderful person. I'm so sad to know she has to be in hospice care now. It was just a month or so ago that she was talking about being able to drive again. I had no idea.... none at all....

It brings back so much. I think about Marty. Watching him waste away was so painful. I didn't even know how bad it was until I noticed he started drinking Ensure and still had to wear suspenders to keep his pants up. Even then it came as a shock. He was the practical joker. I was put in his office when I started at CSE. He was moved elsewhere, but hid/moved his office for a while into a room in the basement he titled 'Sanctuary'. My first day there I found his welcome present. It was a mock-pipebomb. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but if you knew Marty, it was funny. For so many reasons, Marty's passing in 2003 crushed me. In many ways, it was like losing my father all over again.

I then think of Erek S_ who I was friends with in high school. I still have the photo from his senior prom (well, Demented's, Erek's and a couple other of Demented's friends, class of 1991 =) where he's still in the tux holding a mini-golf club and he has a huge goofy grin. We all went and played a couple rounds after we got tired of the prom. Erek once complimented me on my calves (not a hit on. a genuine compliment. Erek was essentially a body-builder who really treated his body like a temple, short of an occasional soda and box of popcorn. Peeing into the soda cup at the State theater is a whole different story =) His compliment has stayed with my to today, it was so far removed from what people normally said about me (always been the 'weird' one). It is a happy memory. He was a Spanish translator in the military. I know he left the country for a while on a mission, but for the life of me, I can't remember what exactly. I thought Panama, but that would be way too early (89-90. Erek was still in high school). All I know is that at some point, he came down with what everyone thought was pneumonia around Thanksgiving (96? 98? I know we were living on Mountain View...). He was dead by January from an aggressive inoperable cancer around/in his heart. Demented, a pall-bearer, was affected by Erek's passing for quite some time. So was I. He was the first of our friends to die. He was 23 or 24. For years, I kept the snappy military photo he gave to me when he graduated.

It didn't help that Demented's Aunt Caroline passed away around the same time. She was a wonderful free spirit. Aunt Caroline was actually Demented's paternal grandmother's sister. I like her so much. She liked my jewelry and had bought some anklets from me. According to her, anklets were extremely provocative to her generation. "Nice girls don't wear them.' She did though, and I have to say, she's one of the classiest women I've met. She passed away from cancer too.
For some reason, I've been having a lot of problems when I stand up today. I'm having that 'low blood pressure' thing where I get really "fuzzy", can't see correctly, and have to lean against something so I don't fall down. The problem with driving through sunlit trees is back in full force too. The plus side is I'm just a passanger, not actually driving, so I can cover my eyes with my hoodie sleeve to stop the reaction.

Well, on a lighter note (sorta) Halfnhalf pee'd on Havoc yesterday. At least there was no poo flinging going on. *sigh*

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Baby Bigfoot in Elk County?

Well, you may have already seen this. Maybe not. I have to admit, it took me a while to actually locate the photos in question. Rick Jacobs, a deer hunter, had put cameras with automatic sensors out in the Allegheny National Forest in the hopes of capturing deer on camera. What he got was quite different. On Sunday evening, September 16th, he had captured at least 2 images of something unusual. Of course there is a wide range of ideas about what it could be, including an exceptionally skinny bear with mange, but some are suggesting it might be a juvenile Sasquatch.
The Bradford Era was the first to write about it, as far as I know. Their piece is not dated, but looking at the URL, it may have been today, actually. These photos originated on but the site is slow. My guess is it's getting hit hard with people looking for the photos. To that end, I have put the photos here to save their server. If anyone is upset, please contact me and I will remove them immediately.

Coke Machine Skirt to ward off attackers

"Tsukioka says the idea was inspired by a trick used by Japanese ninja assassins, who cloaked themselves in black blankets so they couldn't be seen at night"

I'm not sure how ninjas could use the Coke Machine skirt exactly. I mean, how would you see where you're going? Wouldn't it be hard to run, too?

Saturday, October 27, 2007

The problem with leaving the country... :-)

Once one of "the sexiest men in 2002" and a "big, flirty pussycat with a tough exterior," Mr. Rumsfeld may have fled France for fear of arrest. I find it curious that, for the most part, U.S. media is avoiding this issue. I did note that Bush got pounced on by the press 10/17. At the end of the press conference, he is asked, "... do you feel as if you're losing leverage, and that you're becoming increasingly irrelevant?" Bush responded, "I'm looking forward to getting some things done for the American people. And if it doesn't get done, I'm looking forward to reminding people as to why it's not getting done."

uh-huh. suuuuuure you do. (look! he began a sentence with "and"!! grrrrr) It will be some poor dupe who gets sacrificed while his buddies (see previous post Welcome to 1984) go and live off everyone else's blood, sweat and tears. They may not ever be able to leave the country (which is really too bad. I WISH we could get rid of these putz's) for fear of being captured as Enemy Combatants, but I'm sure they will make do. Unless Bush really does decide to become Emperor. A little earlier in the October 17 Press conference he's asked "Q Mr. President, following up on Vladimir Putin for a moment. He said recently that next year when he has to step down, according to the constitution, as President, he may become Prime Minister, in effect keeping power and dashing any hopes for a genuine democratic transition there. Senator McCain --" and Bush replies, "I've been planning that myself. (Laughter.)"

Honestly, I think he took rather good questions and bullshitted his way through all of them even back in July. When asked, "Why shouldn't people conclude that you are either stubborn, in denial, but certainly not realistic about the strategy that you've pursued since then?" After dancing around the question, he eventually comes out with, " So I've been realistic about the consequences of failure. I have been realistic about what needs to happen on the ground in order for there to be success. And it's been hard work, and the American people see this hard work. And one of the reasons it is hard work is because on our TV screens are these violent killings, perpetuated by people who have done us harm in the past. "

Come on, just answer the damn questions. quit hedging on them or pulling a whiplash change of subject. Sheesh. And would someone please remind him that Iraq had NOTHING TO DO with 9/11. Whenever something happens and any of the Politicos start losing ground in a press conference, they always trot out the "9/11 event" See this hand? Look at it. Don't look at what I'm really saying or avoiding a discussion about.

Hell, people may even elect them again, or they may get appointed (al-la John Poindexter and Ollie "I don't recall" North.).

I really hope not. *sigh*

I'm bloody, rather upset (both sad and very angry) and not sure what to do.

For some reason, something wigged Halfnhalf out and a couple hours ago I just had a repeat of the bulldozing ball of cat. Except this time it was far worse. Halfnhalf was so freaked out that she defecated everywhere as she was bouncing off walls, windows, furniture, you name it. God the smell was nasty. I get them separated and then it just happens again except this time I got a hold of Halfnhalf, trying to hold on to her so that I could put her in a bathroom to 'cool down'. She ended up slashing my left arm and my right hand pretty well with her claws. As I struggle to hold a screaming and hissing Halfnhalf away from my body by her armpits while getting cut to ribbons, Havoc is on the ground growling and then starts to climb my leg to get to her daughter, eventually sinking a fang in my right knee.

*sigh* This is not good. Not good at all. They're both now in separate bathrooms, each with food, water and a clean litter box. Havoc has started crying. Halfnhalf is usually very quiet (she even make these really cute silent meows at times) so I don't know what she's doing.

-A rather bummed out Dory

Friday, October 26, 2007

Bush's comments on the Zombie Threat

My deep, heartfelt thanks go to KlrWombat for bringing this to my attention. I think we can all learn something vitally important from this:

And with that in mind I believe that the DHS will be shortly recommending that we all have a Zombie Defense Station in our homes, next to the duct tape and plastic sheeting. DHS and vendors have actively pursued an attempt to "bring Zombie Fighters to life." There was originally a large outcry from the conservative Right, who already shun stem cell research, about "playing God". Many of the lead voices in the protest quickly changed their tune when Bill O'Really was seen having his brain eaten on national television. They *are* however, still concerned about Fox news broadcasting 'obscenity' on the air by showing the event. The FCC is considering bringing suit against Fox, but since most of Fox is already the Undead, they are not sure how to proceed. At this point, the Conservative Right has deemed 'destroying the Evil Undead' a just cause. It is unknown how they will deal with conflict between their main mouth-piece, Fox News, already being controlled by the Undead and their desire to wage Holy War on the Undead.

Stay tuned, more news on the way...

(yeah, ok, so while the article really does say 'bring zombie fighters to life' I know it's about computers. Come on, it's funny. You know it is. If not that how about funny haha and funny strange with a 30' wave of foam? =)


I just looked at Syncponder again. I reread it. It still hurts and I want to cry. I hope Demented is doing well where ever he is... I wish I knew.

feeling so upset. I don't even know why I go back to the page every so often. Hoping somewhere deep inside that just maybe he will post something on it again. Something letting us know that he's doing well somewhere. Maybe to tell us that he's happy again. That he knows people care about him.

Now I am crying.
A tale with no happy end,
just old memories.

Bad grammar, tokophobia, cats, mom and dismal weather. But I'm doing pretty well...

I have to admit that I HATE when I see "sentences" that begin with "But" or "And". Of course, I do it too, but I always cringe internally. They're not even really sentences. They're fragments. I don't think people should have to diagram every sentence that they write, but PLEASE, couldn't you write in complete sentences?? At least write in full sentences a little more often. An excellent example of this is a psycho-education ( No, they don't teach you how TO BE a psycho. It's being educated ABOUT psychiatric issues. Yes, it's still a funny name.) workbook I've started doing for a 2nd time (@ Counsel House) put out by Eli Lilly on Schizophrenia. Almost 1 out of every 3 sentences is a fragment. And it's annoying. Because it screws up. How you read. And how you process this information. ARGH!

A lot of times I throw random junk in ( ) to accomplish the same thing. I _know_ I'm excessively verbose. I know I have a bad tendency to write run-on sentences. I know that leads to people needing to read things a couple times to see how everything relates to everything else talked about in a single sentence. I do try to proof read and fix them if I find them to be exceptionally egregious. It doesn't always work, but often because 2D text makes it hard to discern inflection. Smileys, nesting information {[()]} and using reg-ex like expressions (such as =! [w/sh]ould etc...) help depending on the audience. I have a certain (often sarcastic) tone that fills my head as my fingers find the keys. Sometimes I believe I get the tone in the text by how I phrase it, but for all I know, I may miss it 97% of the time too.

But this crap where 'educational material' is written like some note a 12 year old would write in study hall is retarded. And I mean that in it's literal sense. Something that hampers understanding. Because it makes you stop. And pause. Every time you see punctuation.


I know. I'm not happy unless I'm bitching about something. Feisty Dory is better than depressed Dory, though. =-)

I don't know if any of you watch Keith Olbermann. I watch his clips every so often on youtube. This one, from the 24th, was great. He really slams Fox and their "reporting".

It gives me goosebumps. Who do I vote for?! Ron Paul, Stephen Cobert, or do I write in Keith Olbermann? Naw. I want to keep Olbermann as a pundit/reporter. The other two? That's a little harder. ;-)

Well, I hung out with my upstairs neighbor for a bit last night. There's a stray cat that lives somewhere around the complex. She looks like she may be a year old, maybe 8 months. She's a beautiful traditional tabby with strong markings. She is very friendly and will purr up a storm and knead (without using her claws). She even allows you to pick her up. I would take her in to my home in a heartbeat if I wasn't already at the 2 cat limit. Well, that and it would work out with Havoc....

When I came back downstairs, she just zipped right in past me. It was funny for about 5 seconds. Then Havoc spotted her. Oh boy. "Bad" doesn't even begin to describe the incident.
There was an all out war in my house. A bulldozing ball of screaming, spitting, hissing, fur roiled its way from one end of the house to the other and back again. Oh dear gods! The sound was horrific. I thought that surely Havoc was going to kill her. Somehow I managed to get my hands on Havoc and actually restrain her (having tried once before and she just pulled her way out of my hands and went back to the fray). Havoc, safely imprisoned in the bathroom was still pissed off all to hell and the stray zipped out the front door as quickly as she had zipped in. I let Havoc back out.

Pshew! That was over.


Momma was so fucking pissed that as Halfnhalf slunk around the corner to finally see what was going on (she had been hiding in my bedroom, apparently) Momma started attacking her daughter. I mean that she really wailed on poor Halfnhalf like no tomorrow. I once again had the bulldozing ball of fur wrecking my house. I think at one point Halfnhalf had thought to jump through the screen in the window by the cat tree. The problem was I had closed the window earlier. She managed to bean herself pretty good just as Havoc caught up to her again. I managed to get a hold on Havoc and stuck her back in the bathroom. Halfnhalf was completely traumatized, shaking like an aspen leaf. After about a 1/2 hour, I thought I would let Havoc out, thinking she had calmed down.


Rinse and Repeat.


Back into the bathroom this time with a dish of food, a clean litter box and the light out. No getting out again for a while. Momma stayed the night in the bathroom, crying and digging at the door and carpet. I held Halfnhalf in my arms for about an hour, cuddling her and talking to her. I started to get really tired and laid back with her on my chest. She eventually slid down my side and snuck under the covers. She slept under the blankets curled up in a little ball all night.

When I got up this morning, I left her under the blanket and checked on Havoc. She was exceptionally contrite at this point. I scolded her, telling her she had a lot of apologizing to her daughter to do. She followed me back to the bedroom and Halfnhalf stuck her nose out, sniffing then crawled back farther under the blankets. Momma has been very sweet to Halfnhalf all day, though Daughter is still a little afraid of Mom. She's curled up on my lap as I type.

I guess, if nothing else, Halfnhalf & I had a bonding experience. No one seems to be worse for the wear physically, but I think there's some trust issues that will have to work themselves out.

For your amusement, a very hungry kitten. Not anyone I know, but cute all the same. Well, cute in that 'nature red in tooth and claw' sort of way...

Checking mail this morning, I found a note from my mom!! It made me happy to see it. I wrote her back. Probably I wrote too much, but *shrug* I had a bit of catching up to do. I'm hoping this is the beginning of more good things. It certainly made a dreary, chilly, damp day a bit brighter. It's like looking up at the rain clouds and knowing that the sun is shining brightly just on the other side of them. (That always was the best part of flying somewhere =)

I didn't even know that the condition of 'tokophobic' existed. It's even more of a surprise that a study has been done on it. It makes sense, but I was surprised at how high of a percentage of women are suspected of having it. I know that I generally try to avoid the subject of children with most people. More than once, women find out I have none and had the tubal and suddenly, it's as if I've grown a disgustingly disfigured third head. Sure, watching the video of the woman having an episiotomy mid-labor is exceptionally graphic, but I understand why it's done. I have to be honest. I don't ever want it done to me, but *sigh* Questions about my genetics and what I could potentially pass on to a child, my mental and physical stability, all of that doesn't mean anything to some people. Many times I get the "Oh, Don't worry. You'll make a wonderful mother some day!" comment. Uh-huh. Live with me for a while before you say that. Friends, I might believe a bit more, but random acquaintances, you haven't seen me when I'm extremely sad or angry. You have noooooooo clue. I had one person tell me that I'll "grow out of it" and a number of other people harp on how I'm missing the point of being a human female.

Um. I'd like to think that there's a point about being a human in general, out and beyond my reproductive capability and gender.

Do I wonder sometimes? Maybe a little. For now, I think I'll stick to cats though. =)

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Welcome to 1984

dear Gods. The U.S. really is turning into a fascist police state. The House just passed the "H.R. 1955: Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act of 2007". This disturbing little gem of insane law basically makes it criminal to speak out against the federal government or it's doctrine. WTF?!?! While section SEC. 899F theoretically protect our civil liberties, having watched the current administration's treatment of the U.S. Constitution over the past 9 years leaves me with little doubt that SEC. 899B. FINDINGS, item 3 (discussing the internet's violent radicalization, ideologically based violence, and the homegrown terrorism process in the United States) would apply (in a twisted manner) to postings of my opinion. My view that the current administration is rouge, needs to be removed almost completely without exception and Monkeyboy-that-
looks-for-WMD-under-sofa-cushions Bush (who seems hell-bent on starting WWIII now...) and Shoot-em-in-the-face Cheney should be impeached (at the very least) would make me guilty of thought-crime. Personally, I would hand those two, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, Gonzales, Condi, Rove, Wolfowitz, Armitage, Zakheim, Perle, Abrams, Powell and a few select others others each a Desert Eagle with one clip and air drop them into Basra, Fallujah, or maybe Baghdad. *waves* Bye-bye. Hope your gun jams. Or someone mistakes you as a reporter or journalist. (Yes, I know there's a descrepancy between the two sites. I think it's sad that there's even sites that need to report on this. No, I'm not really advocating these people get shot. I would certainly like to see them sweat, dance pilgrim, and have to confront the horrible, terrible, life altering images [these 3 sites are not for work or the queasy] that are the result of their actions and dogma...)

Personally, I think Rosa Brooks' comment "Forget impeachment. Liberals, put it behind you. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney shouldn't be treated like criminals who deserve punishment. They should be treated like psychotics who need treatment." is still too glib. It's an affront to my personal mental health diagnosis. If I did the things that this administration gets away with, I would be strapped to gurney with the lethal injection threaded into my veins. Crazy? No. A sociopath? Yeah, that's a little closer.

I assume that highly recommending Eminem's Mosh (this was the song and video that got me into Eminem) and Corey Taylor's Omega rant or (as Stone Sour) Sillyworld is seditious. Good. Telling people that they need to understand the message behind PNAC's slick font and their "catastrophic and catalyzing event––like a new Pearl Harbor" is vitally important. Dismissing academics like Dr. Jones, Dr. Morrone and many others including a variety of engineers as crack pots without careful review of their findings is tantamount to hysterical book burnings of the Nazi machine. Just nod your head and believe everything the talking heads say on [insert major American news outlet]. What a load of crap. It seems like 1/2 the time they're giving some fervent opinion dressed up as news. PAH! All this rhetoric I type is tantamount to treason, if The Powers That Be have their way. It's like having Bill O'Reiley tell the entire nation to "Shut up!" But I forgot. He has only done that once in 6 years. Tell me another load of bovine excrement.

This piece of legislative goose stepping is simply horrifying! Rep. Jane Harman (D-CA) said we need to understand the "line separating radical views from violent behavior, create an environment that discourages disillusionment and alienation". I would argue that we need to stop stripping Americans of their civil liberties. Perhaps we could maybe (just MAYBE) try to follow the Geneva Convention. I don't know. Maybe I'm *RADICAL* because, generally, hurting people and killing them seems, oh, I don't know.... WRONG?! Perhaps that might improve morale? Our fellow citizens are dying or wounded in a far away place, there's a hampered ability to respond to natural disasters because of budget cuts and lack of personnel, health care is a sad joke for many of our citizens including our veterans, our economy is tanking, our infrastructure needs updated, and everything I typed could be construed as ramblings of a terrorist because I don't have a set of pom-poms waving while I scream the praises of our federal government's domestic and foreign policy. I almost expect to see the Secret Service knock on my door (if I'm lucky, break it down if I'm not =-/ ) and chat with me about this very post. Personally, I refuse to be silent. Call me a crack-pot if you like, but the whole situation seems shady and nothing good appears to be coming from it.

*sigh* one of those 'soapbox' sorta days. =-}

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Not a bad day all things considered

Well, today went pretty well all things considered. The van had me mis-scheduled for my appointment with Alissa. *sigh* I did meet with my case worker though. That went well. I realize that I'm doing a lot better this month (even with the car problems) than I did last month. I think my meds are almost right. I need to get my Lyrica increased (only taking 100mg bid- a bit under the standard theraputic level for fibro, and considering my liver of iron, *really low* for me. I'm guessing I'll end up on the 450 mg eventually.)

The big thing today was I officially did it. I signed over the Audi to Peak's. It's going to a compactor. Do not pass go, don't collect $200. Just smoosh that poor thing. Put it out of its misery.
I made sure I pulled the radio out and I of course saved my plate. I also took photos as a final reminder. I've got to stop putting bumperstickers on cars. It really seems that as soon as I get the stickers just right, something happens to my cars. The Jetta, the Subaru, and now the Audi. *sigh* There's my Smokey the Bear sticker that my dad had from when he worked at Blackie as a forest ranger person (in the 70's), my last Babylon 5 sticker (damnit!), Ron Paul, my prized POW/MIA sticker and the oval one. I do so like the oval one. Sad to see it go. The only stickers you can't see are the two Apple stickers on the rear window, driver's side. I had both the old rainbow style Apple logo as well as the all white version. I liked Macs since the IIc, it only seemed fitting to put both on. Besides, I liked the secondary connotation of the rainbow. I'm an Ally and proud to call myself so. One of my closest friends is a lesbian. *waves* Hi Duckie!!


KlrWombat took me to the garage, then to my insurance agent guy, Dean. Dean is soooo cool. He's a really good guy. He did some public notary thing for my placard for free. Then random running back to my house to drop stuff off, over to his house to play frisbee with Shasta and then off to the College 9 to see 30 Days of Nights. I was surprised that it was as good as it was. I wasn't sure what to expect with Josh Hartnett. I have to admit, there's something sexy about him with stubble. =-) I didn't realize that Marilyn Manson was going to be in the movie. Just kidding. It wasn't him but he could have been Marilyn's doppleganger. I swear there was a point where he almost had some of Marilyn's mannerisims too. Seriously though, I'll probably pick this one up when it comes out on DVD. I had a super good time. It's the first movie I've been to in months. Longer maybe. I think the last thing I saw in theaters was Balls of Fury and before that was 300.

If I had transportation and $75 I would SO get a pass for the After Dark Horrorfest. They're going to actually have it at the College 9.... *sigh* it looks SOOOOOOOO awesome. Oh well.

EEP! it's later than I thought. Nothing planned specifically for tomorrow, just continue to work on setting up the bead/sewing/drawing studio-type room and change the cat's litter. I can sleep in. Hope everyone has a good day. =)

Sunday, October 21, 2007

glah. not bad, just not good either.

Not sure what my problem is today, exactly. Just kinda bummed in general. Still haven't done bills, and the apartment is even more of a mess now.

I'm still upset about the car thing. Sorta in this lonely mood, possibly made worse by the fact that I don't have the mobility I had before. Yeah, I know, I isolate because I just sorta freak out occasionally around people, but I'm also sorta freak out because I'm alone. I suppose that will settle itself out over time.

Really rather a bland day. There's this weird ladybug infestation thing going on. There seems to be hundreds of the little bugs flying around and on the west side of the building. I had to close my windows to keep them out since the've found some weird way to wiggle their way in past the screens. The cats love them, I could certainly do without.

I've also been reading news and junk like that. That doesn't help matters either. Same shit, different day. Still infuriating.

Neck is stiff, sleeping funny maybe? A bit achy in general, though that's nothing new or different. Probably spent way too long reading things on the computer. My right wrist is acting up. usually a sure sign of too much laptop use. Oh, and the blisters are back on my hand again. whee!

Ok, things that I'm glad about for today:

  • a comfy bed
  • hot H2O
  • chocolate
  • healthy cats
  • access to medical care
  • you all =-)
& yes, that is a kendo stick a friend entrusted me with by the bed. I don't have a baseball bat so that will work just as well, if not better.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Second post for today...

Where was I? Ah yes, the "reconstructed car scam"... It figures. I get my car set up nicely with all the bumperstickers I liked and now I'm just going to have to scrap it. I have to get my stereo too.

Anyhow. My mechanic said that he's used to telling people about the scam, it sucks, but he's seen it way too many times and as far as he can tell, there's 3 seperate groups doing it here in the Centre Region. Not that this makes it any easier to be the bearer of bad news, but unfortunatly he's the one who has to tell people.

What seemed like a cool car with a few minor problems, then the not-so-minor problem with the leaking antifreeze turned into a horror story. I've broken down and cried a couple times.

1) I feel like the biggest idiot in the world to have fallen for something like this and
2) the car represented quite possibly my first MAJOR step back out into the world on my own two feet. Now it feels like I was duped and it kinda shakes my whole foundation of independence even beyond the fact I'm with out transportation on my terms. I made a Very Bad Decision. What else am I making bad decisions about? What else is going to come back to bite me on the ass??

Then I find out that the cracked heat core was the least of the problems. The tires were crappy and mismatched (I knew that, but didn't realize how bad that actually is for a 4-wheel drive car), aside from the fact that the right front tire had the gash down to the steel belting on the sidewall, my transmission fluid was probably days away from blowing out a worn tube, my right front CV joint was ripped the whole way around AND (as if that wasn't bad enough) spewing grease onto my break. There's cracks in the fiberglass underbody, a shot driver's side window wiper arm construction (THAT explains why I couldn't get the wiper to clear the window off correctly. I *thought* I put the new wiper blade one right. I mean, it only fits one way. I might be an idiot, but I'm not stupid. lol. Hey, I have to laugh or I'll just start crying again) and these are just things that need fixed to make it road-worthy. It doesn't include the fact that the A/C is borked, the Cruise Control controlled cruising whenever it felt like it which wasn't very often, the moon roof would randomly open to some half-way point then stop, then open some more, close a bit, open a bit more, close itself and just pop up the back edge, close (repeat till you want to whack it with a crowbar) I think the only thing that I could absolutely rely on was that memory 1 would move my chairs and mirrors to some preset place that was completely useless to me and anyone shorter than 6'8". Oh, and the heated seats worked. Maybe I should just take the seats out and mount them in my living room with a battery. I wouldn't need the heating pad for my back anymore....

So, at this point, after everything is added up as the cost of this car, I'm looking at having spent $4k+ on this POS (including purchase, title transfer, inspection, work to get it to pass inspection back in April, insurance, and other minor things I've done to fix the car myself....)

The good thing is that Peak's will dispose of the car for me for free. I won't have to pay to have the fluids drained, the battery recycled, etc. I think there's very little that could be pieced out from the damn car. Maybe the new serpentine belt I had put on and the windshield wash pump that I replaced back in April.

ARGH!!!! So, not a good day. Not at all. I know I should do bills, but I just don't feel like it. I'm depressed enough already. They can wait one more day. Gods. Wish I had some Atavan about now.....

Positive things I can say about today:
  • Elise has been my motivation to do a Facebook entry. =-}
  • Allō called me. She's _not_ mad at me like I thought! *a HUGE sigh of relief*
  • I have nummy food to eat again. Things besides pasta. real fruit! huzzah!
  • Network while sitting on my couch
  • no one (other than the cats =) to yell at me about how messy my apartment is
  • Halfnhalf makes me laugh as she chases her tail.
  • Halfnhalf makes me laugh as she chases her momma Havoc's tail

*sigh* baaaaaad couple of days...

Quick update. more later probably... It's not horrible, but just not good.

KlrWombat took me shopping last night, which was great, until I went to get back into the truck. I sliced my toe open pretty bad. Guess it's a good thing I started the antibiotics yesterday for my ear (earring hole infected and don't want it to go into the cartilidge.

Today I got to talk to Peak's about my car. my ex-car. I feel like such an idiot. $1600 to fix my car. This is the short version....

There's apparently 3 seperate rings of ----- people of a certain nationality---- who buy cars that have been totaled by insurance companies, they fix them up and sell them (R [reconstructed] Title here in PA). Peak's has seen what's happening to me NUMEROUS times. in another 6 months, I would probably have to sink another $1k, repeat ad naseum.

My car's not really even worth $200.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

So sad to see it like that...

Well, Tennis towed my car away with a dolly under it's rear wheels. I didn't expect to be *sad* to see it on the back of the tow truck. It looked so... lonely and sickly. I know, ascribing human traits to my car is.... lame. However, I had, I don't know, _bonded_ with it. It had become as much a part of my life as my cell phone. It had given me the biggest confidence boost over the last couple of years, next to getting my own place.

And now it has a long list of ailments that start with the cooling system (hoping it's just a blown hose) and goes to tires, brakes, and a spare tire that looks to be the original from 1991/1992. (yeah, I bailed the spare tire well out last night to locate the source of the Barbie-Sized swimming pool in my trunk. There's a puncture in the body. *sigh* Annoying, but not life threatening)

Why do my cars always seem to go into anarchy just as I get the bumper stickers just right?

I'm supposed to be at Counsel House at the moment, but something got messed up yesterday when I set up van service. Somehow Tuesday's trip never got set up. Everything is is just as it should be, except for today. I don't think the next bus runs until 12:30 or so out here, so.... At home day.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

car woes

well, I knew that there was a minor oil leak. I need to get my oil changed, and figure out where it's leaking from, but I didn't expect today's problems to happen. I took a neighbor's girl down town (ick! Football traffic home comming weekend.)

Talk about weird timing. As I pulled in by the Corner Room, the car filled with odd smelling smoke. She went in to check in with her mom as I popped the hood. All my coolant was gone from the reserve. I also noticed that it was dripping inside in the passanger's foot well.
I had no idea. I just new I had to get it somewhere where I could talk to someone.

SOOOOO, with hazard lights blinking, I very slowly drove to the Exxon station at the bottom of Allen St. A quick chat with a guy there and he confirmed that it could be drivable if I filled it with water. He let me use the hose on the side of the garage. I got it filled and started back home. Down by the recumbant bike shop, it started smoking again. I realized I had part of a bottle of water in the trunk, so I filled it up again. I then went into the shop to ask if I could fill the bottle up again. The guy working there was *really* nice. sooooo, I got almost it back home with only one more minor stop at the one gas station here in Boalsburg.

I have to thank KlrWombat for getting Q back to Lewistown. He also hung out with me for a while once we got back. We must have spent an hour or so poking, prodding, and looking at the car to try and figure out where it might be leaking from. *sigh* I really won't know till I can get it to a garage, maybe Monday if I'm lucky.

Of course, then the issue of having the funds to fix it become the next HUGE hurdle.

The only thing that I have to say 'hey! my good luck is working again!' is the fact that it happened on a cool, sunny day down town instead of on the way to Lewistown, during driving rain and 95 degree weather. I have to find something positive or I'll go crazy(ier?)

It also looks like I'm going to have to replace the right front tire. there's a pretty sizable gash in the sidewall that goes clear down to the steel belting. SO, I'm without working wheels again.


Friday, October 12, 2007

long time no update...

Nothing much exciting in my world, other than some messages from people I haven't talked to in a long while (*wave* Hi, Elise!). I've started the Lyrica, and it's helping, but considering that I went off the neurontin, anything would help at this point. ;-)
Seriously though, I'm still in the middle of a pretty big fibro flare-up. I've managed to do something horrible to my lower back (L5-S1) again, and my right neck/shoulder/arm is screwed up. My knees hurt, no surprise there, but for the most part, they're just background noise compared to my back and right side. Some weird things have cropped up since going off the Neurontin, including more muscle spasms and a weird sensation when I drove though sun-lit trees. I see Dr. Derstine Monday and Dr. Pro Friday next week, so we'll see if anything needs tweaked. Mentally, I'm doing pretty well beside the hurting.

For the most part, there really isn't anything noteworthy going on. Finances are tight, but that's the norm for me anymore...


Sunday, September 23, 2007

back to reality

mostly just a quick update. Things are going better. I've contacted some of those whom I hadn't talked to for a while. I need to figure out (still) this self-imposed isolation that I put myself into, sometimes. All it does is makes me miserable and causes angst for those around me. I realize I've been doing it off and on for a number of years now...

I'm not going to be taking 800mg Neurontin anymore. The Pain Clinic put on a different drug, Lyrica, just recently FDA approved for fibromyalgia. Today is day 1 of 9 to ween me
the Neurontin, but the up side is that apparently Lyrica starts to work within one week of starting it.

That's about it. I have a headache today. I ache like someone beat me with a baseball bat, but *shrug* such is life. =-}

Hugs and love,

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

a day...

House inspection this morning, then over to KlrWombat to dog sit for a while and use the hot tub. It felt really good on my back.
I also did my finances... It's ugly again this month. I'm short again. It really sucks. I don't know quite what I'm going to do this month. The icing on the cake is my car is leaking oil. I need an oil change but that's going to have to wait.
not much else to say...

take care all.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

more rough times, but I keep soldiering on...

I've been back and forth from Lewistown lately. I've stayed with a friend, Doug (just a friend, trust me, I'm not his type =), and his kitten, Loki. Things have been messed up for me. I seem to make my own drama. I really need to learn how to be boring again. There have been a couple 'dramas' that I've been contending with.

First and foremost was the release of Jeff S. from the Meadows, who wanted to come stay with me for a while. I called the Meadows and told them to send him to the local shelter, Centre House. I then proceeded to hide. I know. I'm a chicken, but you know what? I have enough crap going on in my life without adding him to it. I've decided to swear off any man named 'Jeff'.

What seems to be the most serious, because it affects my health directly is that my Medical Assistance was terminated 8/31 and still has not been reinstated. This leaves me adrift with everything from Counsel House group therapy, individual therapy, appointments with my neurologist, the Pain Clinic, my PCP, and worst of all my prescriptions. I have been working with my social worker, S.D., to figure out how to manage until it kicks back in. I have had to go to both the Interfaith Mission as well as the local St Vincent De Paul in order to get some of my prescriptions filled.

I feel horrible asking these people for money to pay full price even for the generics. Roughly, I would be spending about $800 (give or take) for all the medications I'm on. These two charities have been more than generous in helping me at least get the most important of the ones I was completely out of at a steep cost of $300, though that is only a 2 week supply of the one med, Effexor XR 150mg x2/in AM, and a full month's supple of Welbutrin (150mg bid) and Sythroid (now up to 88mcg).

I admit, it is my fault. I was unable to make my monthly premium payments the last couple of months, but I was able to pay, in full, this month. I had talked to my PA Dept of Welfare worker, Mrs. R and explained about the moving and cost associated with it and assured her that the check was in the mail for the full amount. She told me that she would keep my MA open. Imagine my shock when I tried to fill two prescriptions (Welbutrin $105/mo and my new increased Synthroid (only abotu $15/mo) and was told that I had no insurance. This was the weekend before Labor Day. The following Tuesday, once everyone was back to work, I called the local office and suddenly, the woman answering the phone had never heard of my case worker, (she was new, but it still freaked me the hell out!!) and transfered me to my new worker, Mrs. P.

Mrs. P. pretty much scared the crap out of me. Having no idea of my case history, she basically gave me the generic speech that I was suspended, if my payment does not arrive by the end of September, I have to start the process for applying for PA Workers with Disabilities all over again. Even IF the payment was received (she made me feel like I was lying about sending it in, which really stung) it would take a couple weeks to process it and there was no guarantee that it would be retroactive. She really hammered that part home too, making me feel that I was a loser milking the system, and that whatever 'disability' I had that lead me to this point was probably just made up and I needed no care. Whatever care I might have been getting was just a drain on the system and the longer I was off, the better. Maybe that's not really what she was thinking, but that's what I felt talking with her. I was taking up her precious time with spurious problems and I should just curl up in a ball and die.

This is the second time I've been mysteriously been given a new DPW case worker without any notification. S.D, my county worker apparently found out that the local PA DPW office just recently lost quite a few people and hired quite a few new people. All I know is every time I get handed off to a new state DPW worker, they seem less and less interested in me as a person and what's happening and more and more like I'm a nuisance generating more paperwork for them.

So, I have not been going to Counsel House for a couple weeks now (because I'm not taking the chance that it won't be retroactive, and I KNOW I cannot pay the bill to go there, or anywhere else for that matter), I've talked with Alissa on the phone only to let her know that I cannot come to our weekly one-on-one sessions, but that I'm alive and have not done any self harm (even if the thoughts have been there), I've lucked out that my Neurologist had to cancel this Friday's appointment, saving me the trouble of doing so. I keep in contact with S.D. almost daily now. It is very reassuring to know that at least someone knows the story as much as I do and has, if not answers, suggestions on what to do next. The next step, if this continues will be to talk to my State Representative. I don't know if that would be Scott Conklin Kerry Benninghoff or Jake Corman, but if I have to, well, I guess I will.

Over all, being off some of my meds for a couple days here and a couple days there, trying to stretch them out is wrecking havoc on me. I have not ached, no HURT, this much in a very long time, mentally, well, I'm just here. I'm afraid to let my place get too messy for fear of it becoming chronic, but beyond that, I'm just a lump who sleeps. I get theses bursts where I want to do things, but then I lose all intrested or it just seems to complicated. I've been selling PS2 games I have (no PS2 to play them on so why not?) just to put gas in my car and some extra oil.

It seems that aside from my A/C not working (freon needs charged? who knows), cruise control that only works on rare occasions, I have a slow oil leak somewhere. I just topped it off (valvolene 10w30). glah.

My mother bitches about how her mother never calls her except for really bad things. I called my mom months ago just to check in because it had been months before that where I had called to check in. You know what? She can eat her own words. I am done always being the peacemaker, the one who gives in and apologizes for being me. I'm waiting to see how long it will be before she decides to call me. "Oh, I thought you were angry with me." is usually what I hear if I break down and call. No, I have not been angry, but you know what? This double standard is going to end now. If you cannot stand to hear how my life is going, then how do you think it felt to have to listen to your life story for 20+ years? I've been more than patient with her. For a Registered Nurse who sufferers with some of the same things I now experience, one might think her to be a little compassionate. Ha. Too long working in the prison system has eroded her bedside manner and more than just a little of her humanity.

Argh. There has to be something good to write about. Well, I know that you're there reading this. You care enough to hear my troubles and still care. StudDragon's postcards always make me smile. I suppose I should end with a gratitude list to at least counter some of my venom. In no particular order:

  • StudDragon's postcards
  • Case's hugs
  • A 1 year old niece
  • kindness and generosity of strangers
  • dandelions (especially when they've gone to fluff!)
  • electricity and internet connectivity
  • phone calls from friends and silly messages on my VoiceMail
  • my cats' random licks
  • Duran Duran, Evans Blue, and VNV Nation
  • beads (didn't think I would leave those off, did you?? =)

hugs and love

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

late start today...

I was up till 5AM sorting books and cleaning up in general. I got the JVC receiver working so I could at least get the radio! huzzah. There's 3 large boxes ready to donate to the library. There's a good deal of other books that still need to be gone through yet. All my fabric has been sorted (and I even thrown out ugly fabric that I know I'll never use.) I'm getting better at tossing things. The place is actually starting to look nice. That's the good.

Now the bad. I was a couple of months late in sending my payment in for my health insurance (pa workers with disabilities medical access- AKA M.A.) but I did send the full amount in ($260) on 8/31. problem is , that was the day they wanted it in by. SO, for now, I have no insurance, it could be a couple of weeks till it kicks back in, there's no guarantee that it will be retroactive, therefore I don't know about going to Counsel House and I *sure as hell* cannot afford my medications (I'm looking at somewhere over $700 a month if it was out of pocket)

The final kicker is that I'm broke broke broke. =) I have enough quarters to dry at least one load of laundry a week, so that's good, but nothing else at all. No gas, no food (but at least I've got a well stocked freezer and cupboards, so that's not too bad. I didn't have enough to pay electric ($61) phone ($130 since I was late before and got zapped the 'reconnection fee' *sigh*) and a few other minor bills that are just hanging around but not life or death. I mean, at the moment, none of it is really life or death. Coming from me, that's a good sign. =)

Over all, I'm holding up pretty well. I actually called people (got StudDragon's new address to start sending him postcards again. I may start doing that with every one. =) Maybe I'll try setting aside an hour every Sunday or something and write postcards out to everyone (Hey, Granger, I think I need your mailing address. Get back to me on that one when you get a chance, please. I have Case's C&J, and StudDragon's now. =)

The part that most concerns me is that I might start running out of meds before this is all resolved with M.A. That might cause some mood issues. I called CH earlier, but it was too late in the day to talk with TheHeadCheese, so I'm expecting to talk with him tomorrow and find out what should be happening. I know it's my own fault, I can make up excuses about this or that, but really it comes down to me using my own money wisely, and, as we have all seen

Dory can be pretty dumb sometimes.

no need to even really mention allowing weird people into my home. I think everyone I've told has chastised me (and, all things considered, rightly so. For all I know he could have been another Ted Bundy or something)

I just got your postcard, StudDragon. I have to agree
Impulse Control = 0;
Are you sure we both aren't Borderline Personality?
anyhow, just got kissed by a dragonfly. lol Irony at its best.
got to go check on my laundry. **HUGS** to you all

Monday, September 03, 2007

Stone Sour "Through The Glass" kind of weekend.

" I'm looking at you through the glass...
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don't expect and easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect a bit of hope
And while your outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what your staring at is me"

Hair is still blond because I'm not sure what I want to do with it. I'm tempted to dye the tips black and the rest of it fire engine red. Maybe Purple. Go for the 'Blondie' look and do the tips black and leave the rest blond? Bubble gum pink streaks, maybe? I don't know.

It's been a bit since I updated. Life has been hectic. I attracted a transient named 'Jeff' who is the 3 year old President of the World (um, his words. Honestly!) who eventually ended up in Centre House, then the Meadows. I have been throughly chastised by my friends about letting strays follow me home. *sigh* I have a neon sign above my head that says 'weirdos: talk to me"

Just a side note It would be nice to figure out how to find someone who's a little more stable than any of my previous relationships. Of course, the really hard part is finding someone who doesn't mind that I'm a bit less than completely stable, myself. heh. With out even trying, my track record looks pretty questionable (and some would argue after the transient incident, I have a lot to learn about talking to strangers in general.) I'm a lost cause. I give up. I'm going to be the crazy cat lady.

Had a good time with Allō & Atom at the Balancing Rock down by Raystown. I really needed time to spend with them to re-center myself after everything. There was even more upsetting news, but it's a bit more private. A couple of friends have ended up at 3 South. One I can tell is pretty well medicated (just a step shy of the thorazine shuffle) and the other is just getting bad news heaped on top of her already suicidal state. I just want them well and back out among us 'living'.

well, it's not much of an update, but it's something. I love all you who know who you are. I realize just how lucky I am to have you as friends.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

busy day

I saw Alissa yesterday, but I saw Dr. Pro today. He increased my Synthroid to 88mcg, everything else seems to be staying the same for now. Dr Derstine moved me to 200mg Serequil XR (extended release) to see if that will help with the 'drunk' feeling the regular 400mg. We're going to slowly increase back to 400mg if my systems will tolerate it better...

SOOOOOOOOO, it's been a long while since I typed. People moved in and out of a couple spots around here so I lost the open WAP I was able to get to from my apartment. I'm out doing some laundry and there's one open here, hence finally posting again.

Rykujin moved out on the 14th, like I told him he had to do. It wasn't a pretty day. There were police involved because I was worried about what he was going to do since the homeless shelter here was full, but the police intervened and managed to get him a spot. He then decided to just go back to Lewistown. There's so much I could say about it, but I'll just say he's staying with a friend and apparently has started working with various community resources. The one I had been pushing the most for was getting back into the "Mental Health" system so that he could actually work on some of his problems. Time shall tell how far he goes to get real help and change.

I'm doing mostly ok. The cats all sneaked out Thursday morning. I was running late anyhow and the harder I tried to get them to come in the more they treated it like a game (Chaos got out first, and just after caught him and tried to put him back, they all came at me en mass and it was all over...) so I left them out so I could try to not be too late to Counsel House. When I got home I found the Bad Note.

The manager of the properties found them and herded them back inside. She said they seemed eager to get back in (all but one, and the Handy-dude for the complex found Shadow and put her back in. *sigh* I knew I couldn't keep all 5 (I mean, Rykujin was originally going to keep 3, but well.... we see how that all went). It also mentioned that my housekeeping and sheer amount of STUFF violated code. I have until 8/31 to get it up to snuff or I can be evicted.

I broke down and just lost it. I talked to Allō. She had been severely tempted to keep 2, but wasn't sure what Atom would think. In the end, they took the 2 boys and Shadow. I still have Momma Havoc and Half&half. If anything, it should be a lot less hectic in my house now. I just hope the kitties are good to them and don't make too much trouble. I vowed to provide 'kitten child support' (food, litter things like that to help take up some of the slack for their loving home. I think I actually feel bad for Boris and Sarge. I don't think the dogs are going to know what hit them ;-)

I've since talked with the manager, and everything is good between us. I will try to let her know Monday that the cats left for their new home today.

Allō helped me part with things I didn't need while Atom re-arranged the back room so that I can start going through the boxes of books, save the ones I want and donate the ones that I don't to either the local library, Schlow, or to the AAUW people. I have some ideas for how I think I can more effectively house all my fabric (been bad this month, not only did I buy 2 shirts that weren't on clearance, but I also bought 5 different kinds of fabric in anticipation of making myself some clothes.

I'm doing mostly pretty good on my own, though because of various reasons including a very sick Bubba's mom, I've been out of my place as much as in it, though until I get it all cleaned up, I'm going to try like hell to stay put for a couple days.

I'm tired, physically exhausted, mentally on a roller coaster, but I suppose some of those can be fun under the right circumstances. Realistically, I'm about 98% med compliant (Up from maybe 50%) and I'm still adjusting to being by myself. I have to haul things around that others used to (and that big Sweetpea Allō has been taking laundry home and doing it for me so I can catch up on other things, though I felt like being belligerent and doing it myself today. I have quite a good deal. *sigh* )

I want all my friends to know that you mean the world to me (and I LOVE the postcards. SOON! I promise I'll start sending them back once I figure out where I can sit and write, though with fewer cats, less cats will be chasing the pen point.) With out your help (in so many various ways) I would not be doing as well as I am. THANK YOU!! it's not peaches and cream, but I'm at least coping better than I ever did before. I continue to wish Demented and Rykujin the best in their endeavors.

**HUG** and lots of love,

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

a very long, traumatic week...

I know I haven't updated in quite a while. There's been a lot going on and the short version is Rykujin is now staying with friends in Lewistown. There's been a lot of tears and a lot of hurt and sadness at least on my part, probably his, but I hope that he follows through with getting help through county social services.

My friends here have been keeping a keen eye on me to make sure I'm ok through all this. It didn't happen at ALL how I wanted it to (longer post on this maybe later) but we are officially apart. Allō, Miss K, and Hobbs, and AP have been wonderful in keeping tabs on me to make sure I'm ok. Allō let me cry on her lap when I finally got back home today (stayed last night with Miss K and Bubba)

Thus ends and begins some new chapter in my life.

it feels weird. scary.
but I'll still wake up tomorrow =)

hugs and love to all,

Thursday, August 02, 2007


for some reason, I feel melancholy and forlorn. Sad. I touched up my hair last night as something to do. Off with the pink, on with the really really blue.

To see the crossroads
and hesitate over what
to do brings more strife.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Unpacking continues

I've begun to wonder if it will ever stop. I have piles of empty boxes stacked in some sort of weird Russian nestled matryoshka egg thingy. There is still so much more to go through. Today I went through boxes of papers. I even found pay stubs from when Demented worked at Bonanza. I just cried and cried and cried. They're stacked neatly in 3 boxes marked "BURN". Looking at them hurts.

My budget issue this month has been aided by a generous d[l]oaner.
It's very humbling to ask and even more humbling when a friend is willing to help. I can't impress upon you just how much this means to me.
Thank you, even though it seems so paltry an acknowledgment.

I hope Demented is able to reach out to people. I wonder what he's up to these days. Is he even still in town. Not that I have a clue how I would react if I saw him (other than try to blend into the crowd or hide and hope he doesn't see me... I don't know why some weird sense of fear is still there) But I'm living in the past and I have to leave that time.

Yesterday was busy with appointments at the Pain Clinic with Dr Ribiero (cyclobenzaprine 10mg TID) and to see me again in a couple of months. I then saw Alissa, my psychologist. It was a pretty good meeting. I left feeling better. Always a bonus. Then back home to meet Steve, my Resource Coordinator. Steve is a great guy who listens to me even when I start getting off track. Half&half was set on pestering him while we talked and went over things.

I realize that I still have a lot of people to call and update my address. I at least have the PA DMV taken care of. That's a step in the right direction.

well, off I go to do something other than chase Half&half away from biting my earrings!

hugs and love to you all

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

BIG oops =-(

Well, I balanced my check book when I got home. I'm $270 short for rent, and that doesn't include any of my other bills (health insurance @$177, $28 left to pay for storage, phone will be late next month, etc.)

I just want to kick myself in the ass for all this. I had sat down and did a budget and everything was cool. And I completely blew it. ARGH. Now I'm scrambling to come up with a plan.

On a more positive note, KlrWombat stopped by and took me out to Colyer lake again with Shasta. It was nice to just get away and look at the mountains and lake for a little bit.

when it rains, it pours.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

came home and cried

I don't know. I feel like everything is out of whack. Just..... lonely, I guess.

wet cheeks do not tell
the whole story. So much lost,
never to be found.

Monday, July 23, 2007

weekend from hell and a bad monday too

I spent way over an hour on the phone with Case yesterday and over an hour on the phone with K_ tonight. Just a brief recap of the last couple of days.

Yesterday, Sunday, I stopped over at the old place, got mail, saw that there was another overdraft for Rykujin and internally just sighed. We went to lunch with A_P_ and Rykujin was going to pay for A_P_'s meal, since he owed him (and I thought I would be 'dutch', paying for myself). When the bill came, Rykujin couldn't cover it, So I got stuck with a $35 tab. From there we went to Wal-Mart so I could get baking soda and napkins. Rykujin was going to pick up the new Harry Potter book that he had pre-ordered. Apparently, he lost the pre-order ticket while he was cleaning his room (it was a $2 voucher that he had paid to go towards the book). I apparently sighed and rolled my eyes when I found out, which set him off. He slammed the book down and walked out, leaving A_P_ and I there at the check out. Fine.

We get out of wallyworld and my car alarm is going off and Rykujin has his backpack and is on his way to walk to his job at burger king. I've seen him do this time and time before, so I'm just going with it. I've been moving and sorting and just generally trying to put my life back together for the last week. I'm too tired and sore to deal with it. He sees us and comes over to explain that he set the alarm off getting the backpack. I asked him if he had enough time to get to work by walking (I think I asked if A_P_ might be a better way to get there? memory is fuzzy) Rykujin explains that "I'm tired of being made to feel like dirt" (BAD choice of words to direct at me considering last Thursday. I don't know if he chose those intentionally or not) Apparently when I asked about the pre-order ticket and it was worth $2 off the book, but he was just going to forget about it and pay the full price, I sighed and rolled my eyes.

I lost it at this point. I said something to the effect of 'I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but I'm going to say this anyway.' I pointed out that I had covered his ass for over $300 worth of overdrafts within the past couple months and that at this point, for him, $2 would cover a meal. He said he was sorry and I told him I accepted his apology. I then said that I was sorry too. he said 'ok'. I gave up and started walking away to my car to shut the stupid alarm off, and he's following me saying 'let's talk' and I keep saying 'there's nothing to talk about."

I get to the car and only unlock the driver's side and get in, he's got his arms on top of the car talking down through the sun roof. I tell him that if he needs a ride, he should ask A_P_, I tell him he needs to get his arms off the car because I'm backing out, I am NOT going to sit and discuss this any more. I leave.

I get home, I end up accidentally smashing a glass as I lob the napkins over the counter, I'm fuming while I clean it up and I decide I need to get out of the house and do something. I take a big box, my skinning knife and head over to the field where it's filled with catnip and start hacking tops off to dry for later use. He calls (from burger king) and I just let it go to voice mail. I'm not in any mood to talk to him. Case sends me an aptly timed 'hug' and I txt back, and eventually we just end up talking on the phone. I must have spent about 1.5-2 hours in the field, cutting catnip and talking to Case.

I get back home and eventually A_P_ brings Rykujin over because he was worried that I wasn't returning his call, burger king sent him home early because they were over staffed and maybe we could still do laundry...

I finally agree and it turns into a very long night of sorting, folding, and not getting much else done. I had wanted to re-dye my hair, but I never found my dyes until some god-aweful hour at night. Rykujin eventually goes to sleep and I'm up, unable to sleep, so I take a 400mg Serequil. I go to sleep, but when I try to wake up, I can't. The plan HAD been to get up early, take him and his laundry home before Counsel House. None of this is going to happen. He gets kinda pushy about me taking him home and I'm trying to explain to him that it's physically impossible for me to do this. All I could think of was, " great, put me behind the wheel of a 2400lb weapon that I'm not in my right mind to control. forget killing myself or him, what about some 6yo and her mom that I wreck into. FUCK THAT! I need to sleep. I cannot function.

K_ and S_ show up around noon, and come back to check on me (though apparently Rykujin tried to dissuade them from doing so). I give them a brief recount of what went on, ask for a welbutrin thinking that might help give me a kick in the butt to wake up, and they take Rykujin home. In the end, I never got fully awake till after 7pm. *sigh* a whole day shot in the ass, my back is still killing me, I've missed my appointment with the Psych, and everything is thrown out of whack.

I know at some point K_ and her sweet, cute, charming son stopped over with flowers for me yesterday. That was definitely the high point of my day. Well, that and talking with Case.

This jealous, un-adult behavior is really bringing me down. It's got to stop or it's got to be out of my life. It makes me sad. It's like I'm not allowed to have friends and all waking moments are to be in tune with his schedule. It is going to stop. If it doesn't, I'm going to end up back in the hospital.

I'd cry right now if I wasn't so numb.

too much to post since I'm so tired

However, there is yet another "Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq" that is exceedingly frightening in it's scope. Passed July 17th 2007, this directive essentially gives the government power to seize assets and people who protest the war. We can only hope that the broad interpretation of this Presidential Executive Order will not end up like some Orwellian "1984" attempt at silencing the growing dissidence over the Iraq fiasco, but it does hover above us like some sledgehammer just in case.

I have images from The Siege playing through my head. It's when you look at section 1, subsection B "undermining efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform in Iraq or to provide humanitarian assistance to the Iraqi people;" where it gets questionable. Suddenly it screams "beware of saying you're against the ongoing occupation of a country that has repeatedly said they don't want us there anymore. While our government, who said they would leave when asked, now has completely ignored that request and seemingly now wants to make it questionable, if not illegal (?) to protest here in our own homeland (what happened to Free Speech??) Gods this whole thing makes me angry and more convinced that we're lead by some nefarious group of warmongers looking to line their pockets. ARGH!

I'll post more personal stuff later. I'm tired and my back is killing me from doing laundry. It's not been a great day, honestly. A blow up with Rykujin, a very long discussion with Case (that really did make me feel better =) and trying to still sort out boxes.

Oh and havesting a couple pounds of pure, blooming catnip... That helped get some of my angst out. Now to just get it to dry properly.

I have way too many boxes.'
WAY too many...

Tiny Miss K_ stopped by with her incredibly sweet and well behaved 5 year old. She brought me a bouquet of flowers that are just wonderful! I don't even know what most, if not all, are. Something to look up for my own edification. In the mean time, I see the caring and concern
that the flowers stand for and it makes me...... happy.

Scary thought for me, to be happy, but I'm learning to live with it.

*hugs* and love,