Monday, November 06, 2006

It's been a while since I've posted. I've started doing out-patient hospitalization 3 days a week for my depression. It's not been good. It's hardest as the night creeps in, after the gloaming has left. I spiral down into fits of worthlessness and wanting to self-mutilate. Or worse. Things that I have not really done since high school. I minced part of my right leg on the 30th. Everything was just too much; what would have been a 9 year wedding anniversary, the upcoming (now past) Social Security Hearing, new therapy, worrying about how to pay rent. I'm not really sure how many people read this, and sometimes I don't know why I put such personal things down, but I guess the truth is better than a lie. It's not too bad today. at least so far I have had no need for atavan. bonus.

the weather has been fitful. Freezing cold, then mild during the day. Today is wonderful. The sun makes me smile, at least. During the day, if I go outside to smoke a clove, I at least get a face-full of sun.

so the SSD hearing is over. It was an hour and 1/2. I started out ok, but was a wreck by the end of it. I couldn't get to my atavan fast enough. I wanted to cry part way through. My attorney seemed to think we did ok, but we won't know anything for at least another 2 to 4 months. Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait.

I often wonder if I know what love is, or beauty for that matter. but then I think about the postcards and small messages people leave me. It is then I know for a tiny moment love. You all are what keeps me going sometimes in my darkest hours. I cannot tell you how much some of you mean to me. Blood is not thicker than water, my parents have both proved that time and time again. but sometimes there IS a connection that bonds us. I love you.