Thursday, October 19, 2006

Well, Dr's visit. Meds have been tweeked. Again. but we keep trying. I keep trying. Sometimes I don't know why, but then little bolts of sun pierce the black fog that exisits around my head. Feel crappy (so what else is new?) and had to get a muscle relaxer for my head and neck. we'll see how this goes. I have contacted my insurance agent about making sure the mortgage insurance isn't being paid anymore (since the house was forclosed) and it turns out that my only source of income may go away with it. not a good thing. I keep thinking worst case scenarios about being destitute and it freaks me out. what if SSD falls through? then I'm going to be working X number of jobs and killing myself. One way or another I guess we all die sometime. ANYHOW. I've been doing a little beading with what small supply I have, and some painting with watercolors and overlaying them with india ink. pretty cool. Rykujin has been pretty supportive of me and my breakdowns. I guess it's only a matter of time till I turn him into whatever it was that happened to Demented. I think the world is better off with me in isolation, if at all, most of the time. been listening to NIN, old Alice Cooper, and random other industrial music. VNV Nation make me cry most of the time. Icon of Coil and Covenent, well, I still love them. sometimes they make me happy and sometimes they make me sad.... some songs are so intertwined with things from my past that it's hard to hear them. they speak to me. I can put headphones on and disappear from this realm and be in the music.... riding the waves of sound and lyrics. just about anything from Metropolis moves me. I think they have to be my number 1 record lable.

ahhhhh. the Skelaxin is kicking in. I just cracked about 13 different parts of my body. that's a good start. now to get the headache to go away. that's the trick.

I'm glad to be getting communication from Daval. he always makes me smile. I hope your trip is a wonderful experience! (and you can always looks for some cheap beads to send me back ;-)

Hugs and love to my neice. I'm still working on something small for you, Katherine!!

Take care everyone. You are what keeps me breathing.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Weather makes me think of Seattle

Today's look is black lip gloss Rykujin bought me, black eyeliner, black eyeshadow, Full Metal Alchemest beanie, black sweatshirt, olive drab BDUs, and Tevas. It's wet and cold. Feel sorta like a Suicide Girl today, I guess. it at least gives me the balls to go outside and face the masses.

So it goes. I've cleaned my room somewhat, and that's made me feel a little better. I can manuver around at least parts of it. I have access to my desk again and can paint and draw a little. The India Ink has come out to play with watercolors. some interesting things, but like most things I do, generally shit anyhow.

I found out today that my current 'income' of Mortgage Disability may be canceled because of the policy being canceled. So now I have my major panic about how I'm going to pay rent, for my phone, my medicine and doctors' visits. life seems to be somewhat one piece of shit piled on top of another.

well, enough drivel for now. nothing really all that ground shaking or interesting to report. Other than I seem to be on a computer lab machine that won't allow me to upload photos, so you just had to use your imagination.