Thursday, August 24, 2006

quick update

So Demented almost got arrested, but the DA decided to let him go this one time. The officer that handled the incident had a little chat with him and 'got in his face' when Demented got 'lippy' with him. This is still all so surreal.

Saw my Dr. today. More bloodwork, and probably some more tests, but over all, ok. my weight is still going up and I'm not happy about that, but one thing at a time, I guess. We both agreed that I could use a little less drama in my life. I've got some sort of bizarre soap opera going on. ugh.

well, that's all for now. everyone have more fun than me, k?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


I'm in the Library on the computer that has a semi-broken space bar. I have to wang on it just right to get it to work which makes me the loudest person here. I feel like I always stand out in a crowd just to the annoyance of everone else. Perhaps that's part of the reason I've been hiding in my apartment for the last couple weeks.

Well, that and I got my tubes tied. So I've not really been up to doing much. My lower stomache is an attractive deep purple and greenish-yellow. Lovely. Over all, I'm meh. Achy (what else is new?) and while I started PT for my back (again) and occupational therapy for my hands, that got put on hold because of the surgery. I seem to be healing well, though, so that's good. Mentally, well, I still swing back and forth from having some semblance of hope and just down in the dumps because I'm a worthless piece of shit who's never going to accomplish anything worthwhile ever again.

Of course, Demented* dropping his little note off at Rykujin's work (Nittany Line Hobby didn't do anything good for me. "Reap what you sow" I called his mom once to find out about shoes, he slaps a PFA back against me, but it's ok for him to harass Rykujin (and me through proxy)?

Uh, I tried being nice when we made our first tentive steps towards being friends again. I wanted my best friend back. It wasn't meant to be. Once again I'm afriad to say anything for fear he'll throw the words 'LIBEL' or 'SLANDER' at me. That was a bludgeoning tool back in spring of '05. I went for days afraid to say a single word. I feel it hovering over me again. He got everything excecpt the debt. That's been given to me. Thanks. I hope he enjoys my father's copy of Danse Macabre. I hope it means as much to him as it did me. I still have a hard time saying anything bad about him, the situation (it's all my fault. it's all me, right?), but this being beat down mentally over and over.... I am so tired.... so very tired.... It's uncouth to cry in the library.

I want to, though.

Days float by on tears.
The river knows no bounds, damp
eyes reflect my soul.

* and just so EVERYONE KNOWS, "Demented" was the name HE PICKED for Quake III in years past. I'm not labeling him, just using the moniker he already chose. Yes, I'm that paranoid I have to put this footnote in. & Just to be fair, during Q3 I was 'Naked Chick". Now I'm just 'd.'; the shadow of who I used to be.....