Tuesday, December 26, 2006

happy holidays

just a quick note that I'm in Scranton hanging with the Davis family. it has been a very nice escape from State College. actually, it's been a wonderful time away... =) I can't believe my good fortune to have been able to get here!

=( I'm heading back on the bus at 3pm tomorrow... but I have lots of things to think about, just in general. beads, finances, health, and the state of being... Somewhat ambiguous, perhaps, but at some point I'll flesh it out. all I know is that I need to cut my fingernails.

I hope everyone has a nice holiday and I wish all the very best in the new year.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Afraid to hope things may be looking up

Havoc got to have some turkey and stuffing (though what she most wanted was turkey and lots of gravy). But she did sniff the cranberry sauce just to make sure she really didn't want any. Oh, and she ate potatos, but left the corn. Rykujin and I went to The Diner for the famous $.50 Thanksgiving specials. We ate a plate and a half each and brought the rest home....

So the 'moving to Pittsburgh' idea gets bantered around more and more and seems to be a pretty good idea, at that. I still have the Dr's to talk to about it, but I guessing they're going to think Case's idea of 'getting the hell out of Dodge' might be good too.

Nothing to spectacular has happened over all, the weather has been at least somewhat warmer the last couple of days. Today I've been ancy, kinda a caged tiger, because there's things I want to do, but all this crap in the way (mentally, or literally, if you were to see my room =) back to the bump and grind of groups tomorrow.

OH! the one cool thing that's on my radar, Daval and Ellen are going to inflict me on Daval's family over the X-mas holiday.... whee!! I havn't seen him in over a year, and it's been even longer since I saw Ellen. The first time in a long while I have something to smile about at X-mas....

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Well, it's been another interesting interlude since the last update. Some good, some bad. But definitely interesting. So therapy is going well, I seem to be settling in with my groups. There may be lithium in my future to replace the lorazepam, but the Psych wants to wait on that for a little while yet. Let me get settled on my other meds first.

a couple weeks ago was quite emotional. Demented was evicted from his apartment. I think he's living with his mom again, but I'm not certain. It's a very long story, but I was given access to get things out of the apartment. I was able to retrieve a small table that meant a lot to me, my sewing machines and some fabric, and some miscellaneous crafting items. Some Ag, but no pliers and really no beads. that was a bit of a bummer, but *shrug* I have things that I didn't have prior. Though now the issue is finding space to put things. and I had to leave some stuff there that I really didn't want to. But it was hard. I don't know how many times I just stopped, broke down and cried hard. The kind of cry that comes from grief, deep howling tears that stream down your face and you cannot help but vocalize the pain. I didn't realize just how much it hurts. It still tears me apart. some of the things were set up in what I perceived as little vignettes or shrines to various aspects of life. Gods they hurt. A ghost of a life that shattered into tiny shards of razor sharp memories that were embedded with the force of a nuclear blast into my psyche.

That whole thing left me a wreck both physically (fibromyalgia screamed at me for moving things *sigh*) and mentally (picking scabs) Of course the call from the police a day later didn't help. The apartment above Demented's caught fire (no one was hurt) but there was some question about looting in Demented's apartment the day of the fire, and it -DID NOT- involve my description.... =(

Sign me up for fucking drama class.
on the plus side, Duckie had been talking about getting me down to the 'Burgh for some time. Well, maybe it will actually happen this time. I'm kinda in a holding pattern for a little while while I wait for the Social Security Administration's decision about disability. BUT, they (C&J) stopped by last night to catch up on life with me. We talked. and talked. and I cried. and they were supportive family. it was stunning. Something I've never had from my own, really. not like this. So there's some tentative plans that I may be moving perhaps in a couple months, but I may start making some inquiries about moving my medical treatment, and therapy, etc.... I actually am scared shitless about this, and excited at the same time. Maybe, just maybe, I can start doing my art again and selling it through galleries. rebuild myself. maybe get my own little shop someday. and if all else fails, and I have to get a job maybe try CERT through OVR

hugs and love to all you out there. you keep me going. and that means everything. you give me hope and something to hold on to.

Monday, November 06, 2006

It's been a while since I've posted. I've started doing out-patient hospitalization 3 days a week for my depression. It's not been good. It's hardest as the night creeps in, after the gloaming has left. I spiral down into fits of worthlessness and wanting to self-mutilate. Or worse. Things that I have not really done since high school. I minced part of my right leg on the 30th. Everything was just too much; what would have been a 9 year wedding anniversary, the upcoming (now past) Social Security Hearing, new therapy, worrying about how to pay rent. I'm not really sure how many people read this, and sometimes I don't know why I put such personal things down, but I guess the truth is better than a lie. It's not too bad today. at least so far I have had no need for atavan. bonus.

the weather has been fitful. Freezing cold, then mild during the day. Today is wonderful. The sun makes me smile, at least. During the day, if I go outside to smoke a clove, I at least get a face-full of sun.

so the SSD hearing is over. It was an hour and 1/2. I started out ok, but was a wreck by the end of it. I couldn't get to my atavan fast enough. I wanted to cry part way through. My attorney seemed to think we did ok, but we won't know anything for at least another 2 to 4 months. Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait.

I often wonder if I know what love is, or beauty for that matter. but then I think about the postcards and small messages people leave me. It is then I know for a tiny moment love. You all are what keeps me going sometimes in my darkest hours. I cannot tell you how much some of you mean to me. Blood is not thicker than water, my parents have both proved that time and time again. but sometimes there IS a connection that bonds us. I love you.


Thursday, October 19, 2006

Well, Dr's visit. Meds have been tweeked. Again. but we keep trying. I keep trying. Sometimes I don't know why, but then little bolts of sun pierce the black fog that exisits around my head. Feel crappy (so what else is new?) and had to get a muscle relaxer for my head and neck. we'll see how this goes. I have contacted my insurance agent about making sure the mortgage insurance isn't being paid anymore (since the house was forclosed) and it turns out that my only source of income may go away with it. not a good thing. I keep thinking worst case scenarios about being destitute and it freaks me out. what if SSD falls through? then I'm going to be working X number of jobs and killing myself. One way or another I guess we all die sometime. ANYHOW. I've been doing a little beading with what small supply I have, and some painting with watercolors and overlaying them with india ink. pretty cool. Rykujin has been pretty supportive of me and my breakdowns. I guess it's only a matter of time till I turn him into whatever it was that happened to Demented. I think the world is better off with me in isolation, if at all, most of the time. been listening to NIN, old Alice Cooper, and random other industrial music. VNV Nation make me cry most of the time. Icon of Coil and Covenent, well, I still love them. sometimes they make me happy and sometimes they make me sad.... some songs are so intertwined with things from my past that it's hard to hear them. they speak to me. I can put headphones on and disappear from this realm and be in the music.... riding the waves of sound and lyrics. just about anything from Metropolis moves me. I think they have to be my number 1 record lable.

ahhhhh. the Skelaxin is kicking in. I just cracked about 13 different parts of my body. that's a good start. now to get the headache to go away. that's the trick.

I'm glad to be getting communication from Daval. he always makes me smile. I hope your trip is a wonderful experience! (and you can always looks for some cheap beads to send me back ;-)

Hugs and love to my neice. I'm still working on something small for you, Katherine!!

Take care everyone. You are what keeps me breathing.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Weather makes me think of Seattle

Today's look is black lip gloss Rykujin bought me, black eyeliner, black eyeshadow, Full Metal Alchemest beanie, black sweatshirt, olive drab BDUs, and Tevas. It's wet and cold. Feel sorta like a Suicide Girl today, I guess. it at least gives me the balls to go outside and face the masses.

So it goes. I've cleaned my room somewhat, and that's made me feel a little better. I can manuver around at least parts of it. I have access to my desk again and can paint and draw a little. The India Ink has come out to play with watercolors. some interesting things, but like most things I do, generally shit anyhow.

I found out today that my current 'income' of Mortgage Disability may be canceled because of the policy being canceled. So now I have my major panic about how I'm going to pay rent, for my phone, my medicine and doctors' visits. life seems to be somewhat one piece of shit piled on top of another.

well, enough drivel for now. nothing really all that ground shaking or interesting to report. Other than I seem to be on a computer lab machine that won't allow me to upload photos, so you just had to use your imagination.

Friday, October 13, 2006

The Arch Duck

So, it's been a while since I posted. On the upshot, the Library has got new computers and are running some flavor of linux. woot. The down side is I've been very down. Very very down. But things are looking up in their own weird little way. I'm changing meds around again, and adding some more therapy. I can use it. I'm a little too familiar with sharp pointy things at the moment. *sigh*

I realize everything I own fits in a 12'x 12' room and most of it has been scrounged since August when the students left everything behind. It's strange starting over at 32. I feel like an idiot most of the time. (though I do know better than 'The World According to Student Bloopers'. Something I've seen since at least 1995 cruising around bitnet, look towards the bottom) but as far as human interactions, I'm clueless. Take dating for instance. Not a clue how it works. regardless of gender. being verbal about getting housemates to help clean. that's a new skill I've had to learn. Convincing the cat she doesn't want to go out every day now that it's cold and windy. all things I am working on =-}

what little beads I have are slowly dwindling and I really don't have any money to get more. very sad. very very sad. I've been beading since I was 9, selling silly little things since I was maybe 13? I don't know what to do about that. I've been watercoloring and doing india ink work too, which at least fills in some of the art gaps I'm experiencing. If anyone has extra beads hanging around, esp. seed beads, let me know, I'll take donations ;-)

anyhow. things progress with Disability, slowly, I have my hearing November 1. I cut my hair even shorter 1) because it's easier to take care of and 2) less hair to get ahold of and pull. voila. that kind of year. so today dawned golden and I felt a little better than I can remember feeling for months and months, but I'm afriad of that feeling. like it will go away and never come back, or ever get better, but I'll just take my Ativan and keep breathing.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

another day in State College. Hiding

kinda sick. head cold. generally just blah. body is doing strange things, my brain is broken, and life goes on. Alive, yes, loving life, no. playing with Debian & The GIMP thanks to klrwombat though!! thank you Sir!! )even if I feel it in my hands... too long away from a keyboard??(

generally melencholoy and misanthropic as of late. takes a sheer effort of will to get me out of the house. I've been doing a little beading, which takes my mind away from everything. substitute one diversion for another.... now to just stop smoking cloves....... *sigh*

glad to hear that Stacie & baby Katherine are doing well. That touched me... after the year I had, I cried to know that it went well for someone else.

The wind rustles sweet / promises of change as leaves / kiss autumn skies bye.

Monday, September 18, 2006

it's been a while...

A synthasized voice / from a song I can't quite place / know this: BE FEARLESS

Well, I saw Dr.Osbourn this past week. He's a Psychiatrist at PSU. I liked him he was nice. I'm on .5mg RISPERDAL 2xday. Schizophrenia is what echos in my mind. what the fuck have I become? the list of meds I take is huge. 2 here, 4 there, 3 here, but that has to be doubled up.... ARGH. at least I'm not thinking the Bad Thoughts again. there was a couple days last week that 'melencholoy' wouldn't even touch the reality I had. I teeter back and forth on the edge of oblivion and living zombie, drugged on atavan just so that I can be out in public and not freak. it really sucks. I live in this abysmal limbo where nothing is real anymore other than trying to survive one dau to the next and sometimes I wonder why bother.

Havoc brought a live chipmonk in to myroom again today. I went and curled up in Quentins bed because I didn't want to dealwith it. appareently sometime while I was aslep, cat and rodent folloedme over. now tey'ere there.... igh. can't type for shit. later all. *hugs and love* to the people who deserve it. and even to someof the ones that dont.... I think I'm going to go and cry for a while..........

be good to each other, right????

Thursday, August 24, 2006

quick update

So Demented almost got arrested, but the DA decided to let him go this one time. The officer that handled the incident had a little chat with him and 'got in his face' when Demented got 'lippy' with him. This is still all so surreal.

Saw my Dr. today. More bloodwork, and probably some more tests, but over all, ok. my weight is still going up and I'm not happy about that, but one thing at a time, I guess. We both agreed that I could use a little less drama in my life. I've got some sort of bizarre soap opera going on. ugh.

well, that's all for now. everyone have more fun than me, k?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


I'm in the Library on the computer that has a semi-broken space bar. I have to wang on it just right to get it to work which makes me the loudest person here. I feel like I always stand out in a crowd just to the annoyance of everone else. Perhaps that's part of the reason I've been hiding in my apartment for the last couple weeks.

Well, that and I got my tubes tied. So I've not really been up to doing much. My lower stomache is an attractive deep purple and greenish-yellow. Lovely. Over all, I'm meh. Achy (what else is new?) and while I started PT for my back (again) and occupational therapy for my hands, that got put on hold because of the surgery. I seem to be healing well, though, so that's good. Mentally, well, I still swing back and forth from having some semblance of hope and just down in the dumps because I'm a worthless piece of shit who's never going to accomplish anything worthwhile ever again.

Of course, Demented* dropping his little note off at Rykujin's work (Nittany Line Hobby didn't do anything good for me. "Reap what you sow" I called his mom once to find out about shoes, he slaps a PFA back against me, but it's ok for him to harass Rykujin (and me through proxy)?

Uh, I tried being nice when we made our first tentive steps towards being friends again. I wanted my best friend back. It wasn't meant to be. Once again I'm afriad to say anything for fear he'll throw the words 'LIBEL' or 'SLANDER' at me. That was a bludgeoning tool back in spring of '05. I went for days afraid to say a single word. I feel it hovering over me again. He got everything excecpt the debt. That's been given to me. Thanks. I hope he enjoys my father's copy of Danse Macabre. I hope it means as much to him as it did me. I still have a hard time saying anything bad about him, the situation (it's all my fault. it's all me, right?), but this being beat down mentally over and over.... I am so tired.... so very tired.... It's uncouth to cry in the library.

I want to, though.

Days float by on tears.
The river knows no bounds, damp
eyes reflect my soul.

* and just so EVERYONE KNOWS, "Demented" was the name HE PICKED for Quake III in years past. I'm not labeling him, just using the moniker he already chose. Yes, I'm that paranoid I have to put this footnote in. & Just to be fair, during Q3 I was 'Naked Chick". Now I'm just 'd.'; the shadow of who I used to be.....

Friday, July 28, 2006

The on-going melodrama...

Well, I've been talking with people. That's good. I don't feel as lonely, just sad that I've been lax in being in contact. Sad that they're seemingly so far away. I got mail from TechSquire and it was so sweet and touching I wanted to cry. But... sitting in the local library I managed to keep my eyes from overflowing. Sometimes my heart just aches at the way life has manifested itself over the last couple of years.

Over all, it's been a 'meh' kind of week. The landlord put new carpeting in the house. It looks faboo. MUCH better and less dingy than the old stuff. But it necessitated emptying out my room and closet. THAT sucked ass. I'm still stiff and sore from doing it, and my room is still a disaster waiting to be given order.

That and yesterday I was served with papers that Demented is attempting to get a PFA against me. The initial one was denied, but there will be a hearing 8.2.06 @2:15 courtroom B (Judge Grine [Sr] I think). This whole experience is still ripping me to shreds. I took more Atavan yesterday than the entire previous two weeks.

Burning embers of
a life forgotten. A new
fire not yet forged.

Monday, July 24, 2006

crappy couple of weeks

A long sigh intones
all that could be said, summed
up in a quiet breath.

I had been reading over old journals. I have been crying a lot. Everything seems so far removed from what I ever expected out of my life. Miscarrige, PFA... losing my best friend... I received the official PFA against Demented on Saturday.

Friday, July 14, 2006

a less than mundane life

Well, I go to court Monday for a PFA on Demented. I'm not looking forward to this. Havoc has been very sweet and sleeping with me even though it's miserably hot. Oh to be a cat, sometimes....

Folly of my own
illusions wrecks havoc in
my mind. Shattered & torn...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

A bright day

Well, I heard from Demented. He seems to be doing well. At the very least, better than he had been. That's good. I'm sad. I realize this is the case, but it still hurts. We cannot see each other. For a very long time. I don't know what paths our lives are going to take, but they are not going to be intersecting circles for quite a while.

I saw a previous co-worker/artist/friend today outside the library. It was good to see MouseJockey. I forgot just how much I missed him and his insights. We talked (ok, he made the important points) about art and media and how intent, purpose, and impact all seems to change as society and technology changes. Simple, but profound. What might have been initially a main mode of communication and art as a secondary value, becomes supplanted by newer technology or methods (ink brush painting vs Flash web presentations, for extreme examples). Now ink brush painting is more of a mode of process for the artist (or executor, I guess, if you don't want to use the term 'artist'). The art is done for the "artist's" sake, and message is left for the viewer, if they even choose to delve that deep. It's no longer the method of 'news broadcast' as it were.
(and MouseJockey, please correct my paraphrasing as you see fit!!)

today's haiku

my small piece of life,
insane, holds no real answers;
Who knows what comes next?

Still around

welcome to my little
piece of insanity; what
comes next? who can know?

Friday, April 21, 2006

Ended up on the couch at Demented's. Figured my back's all screwed up, so it's difficult moving at the moment. Hand's are mostly behaving, so why not start the blog, finally.

Watched 'White Noise' (very odd movie. interesting in a good way) and 'Devil's Rejects'. I liked it better than Zombie's first flic. Wondering how Havoc is doing. Hoping Rykujin's sleeping peacefully.